Shame! The bully of all bully's. Most devious, this malleable slithery monster. Yet, it has been my experience, that once confronted, it becomes a simpering force, a force that long ago, never got heard. I have also found that every time I have confronted it, and yes, it's scary, and yes, it takes courage, regardells every time, no exception, my own intuition has increased beyond imagination. In the beginning, shame would come directly at me, then over time, it became sneaky, sometimes hiding behind pretty curtains, so to speak. It has been decades now. Is there any shame left? Well the answer is since, I'm not dead yet, and since I'm human, who knows where shame might lurk in the future. What I do know, is my intuition is strong, SO when and if we meet again, we will laugh, and laugh a deep belly laugh. Just like a couple of kids palying hide and seek. Congratulations on your willingness to continue your healing. May you be blessed every step of the way.
well, as usual, your writing showed up at the perfect time about a subject i didn't realize i was holding in so much. thank you, D.L.
a friend was at my house last night & we had a lovely discussion about what we think our "calling" is in life, what we think the other person's is, & then feedback about what we observed, & she said she wishes i wouldn't be so hard on myself & wouldn't isolate so much (would let her/others know when i need help). but i didn't actually realize until right now that the reason i do that is shame (&anxiety about the shame). i actually did feel all my feelings as a child but they were not validated, so i learned to keep them hidden in my journals etc.
anyway, thank you so much for this revelation & for all that you do here & i definitely had a religious authoritative parenting experience but also don't think i'm healthy enough to read about it yet without being massively triggered. :/
I so relate! I did not grasp that I can't control my feelings or thoughts just my actions until therapy this past year. No wonder I developed OCD so many years ago! Shame really sums up my whole life really. Trying to now be the parent I needed and I think honestly my kids have helped me to be a better parent to myself!
Thank you for putting this out in the world, D.L., it resonates. I (now self-diagnosed AuDHD, socialised female in American 90s evangelicalism) especially relate to the overintellectualization of my feelings. I'm very feelings-aware, but I want to pick them apart and then work out how to avoid feeling the uncomfortable ones. Thanks for the reminder / challenge that it is okay to let them move through you!
I think what has helped the most has been listening to podcasts or reading substack articles and journaling my responses. Then I reread my journals months and years later to keep processing those thoughts and feelings from a different perspective. Right now, I’m learning to process anger. That one has been really squashed.
Thank you for sharing so vulnerably! I resonate so much with all you have said. I've been doing somatic stuff in therapy for a while now, and I'm increasingly getting to a point where I can just feel the emotions and not, as you say, have that process derail my whole day. I still carry so much shame, but I think there is so much healing and power in recognizing that, noticing it, and not berating ourselves for that process. Cheers to re-parenting ourselves!
5 years ago, I gave up shame for Lent, and it was incredibly revealing. I had no idea how much power shame had on me until then. The process was very therapeutic. As another commenter mentioned, shame truly is the bully of all bullies - now I recognize it better and don't let it bully me (much).
Your section on finding yourself, especially this, resonates so hard with the beautiful place I’m finding myself in now: “I found what I have always been wanting, and I found it within myself.” I was raised that I was the last place to look/trust for authority in my life. It was God, then my parents, then really any adult. I have loved finding and trusting myself, and comforting and reparenting little me too (when I started counseling I hated being with/around little me…like woah!). I’m finding that I really like myself!! Thanks for this post. It’s reminding me of the beauty within the work that we’re doing to process our trauma and the impact of high control religion and religious authoritarian parenting.
Thank you for being vulnerable and choosing to share. Emotions are like a foreign language that I’m slowly learning to read. It feels like it’ll be years before I’m fluent enough to have a conversation, but hearing your story gives me hope. And community. So thank you.
Reading this, I could have written it myself. Only difference, I used to hold the ice cubes in my hand. Sorry you are going through this
But honestly, you don’t have to feel this way. You can clear this shame and the CPTSD. I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t experienced it myself.
This guy and his method fixes the glitches in 1-2 sessions. No affiliation. Just love him. He helped me so so much and helped my partner too. I did his method a year ago and have been so much better ever since. I even stopped going to weekly therapy, didn’t need it anymore. Worth booking a trip just to see him. Or find someone in your area trained in the same method.
I also believed for a long time that people were in control of their feelings, and it could just be the autism, but I think it's also that I was taught in church that my thoughts and feelings could be sinful. Which set me up for a whole boatload of anxiety around thinking/feeling the wrong things, but also led me to assume that I could choose 'pure' or 'holy' thoughts and feelings. It has been a real kick in the teeth to discover as an adult that the feelings just... arrive! Maybe flow through, maybe linger, maybe destroy me a little bit (hard to tell which of those three is happening in the moment; I'm also alexithymic), maybe leave. I think one day that will be liberating but I'm still in the early phase of being baffled that this fundamental thing I had assumed about human emotion is untrue.
(Also, I can't be the only one who writes about people/humans as 'they' and not 'we,' right? It's instinctive; my brain is convinced I'm an alien.)
Reading everyone’s comments makes me feel like I’m in good company. That positive feeling of not being alone chips away at the shame I carry around that drives my perfectionism and tells me that to be loved, accepted, and included I must not have any faults whatsoever. Thanks D.L. for your vulnerability that makes space for us to do likewise and rest in our humanity.
I had a newish-to-me experience on Monday regarding noticing how shame easily haunts me but then not letting it derail my day. My partner called to let me know our e-file for our taxes had been denied due to a missing health insurance document (mind you, we are among the 11% uninsured in Florida). My very heavily trafficked neural pathways connected to feeling as though I am 100% responsible for whatever trouble woes us (especially financial ones) fired, and according to my partner, I got a tad bit agressive and agitated before they quickly called it out. Instead of feeling shame for the way I’m responding out of more shame, I allowed myself to feel whatever emotion came my way and got curious about the episode. Grief was not far behind the initial reactivity. I realized I’m living out the consequence of growing up in a family that didn’t teach me emotional intelligence or how to talk about money without panicking and in Pentecostal circles that equated financial responsibility with God’s favor. I’ve always worried I would be one day be abandoned because I became a burden. Now I know where the origins of the thoughts that shame me into doing all I can not to drop a single ball or scare me into playing small and masking the fiery and justice-oriented me into subsmission come from.
The brain scans that I underwent last summer showed massive emotional trauma and stunting of the prefrontal cortex. My limbic system is overactive. It’s no wonder I reacted the way I did when supposedly threatened. And maybe, just maybe, responding with compassion during moments where shame will turn the neural highways into dusty footpaths less trodden.
i had a GIANT shame spiral last night after i accidentally hurt my partner’s feelings, and then the notification for this post popped up shortly after and we were just laughing and laughing about how timely this is. thank you for what you do!
Lately I keep telling myself: "It's okay to want what you want. That's beautiful that you want what you want. Try not to second-guess your wants, Sweetie. It's good." It helps some. But last week I had a day where I was acting on a desire that was good and innocent and I kept noticing that I was feeling guilty about it--I had to repeat this mantra to myself at least 15 times over the course of two hours. Wild. Hoping it will sink in eventually and I won't have this internal battle over something as simple as choosing to go be in nature.
Shame! The bully of all bully's. Most devious, this malleable slithery monster. Yet, it has been my experience, that once confronted, it becomes a simpering force, a force that long ago, never got heard. I have also found that every time I have confronted it, and yes, it's scary, and yes, it takes courage, regardells every time, no exception, my own intuition has increased beyond imagination. In the beginning, shame would come directly at me, then over time, it became sneaky, sometimes hiding behind pretty curtains, so to speak. It has been decades now. Is there any shame left? Well the answer is since, I'm not dead yet, and since I'm human, who knows where shame might lurk in the future. What I do know, is my intuition is strong, SO when and if we meet again, we will laugh, and laugh a deep belly laugh. Just like a couple of kids palying hide and seek. Congratulations on your willingness to continue your healing. May you be blessed every step of the way.
well, as usual, your writing showed up at the perfect time about a subject i didn't realize i was holding in so much. thank you, D.L.
a friend was at my house last night & we had a lovely discussion about what we think our "calling" is in life, what we think the other person's is, & then feedback about what we observed, & she said she wishes i wouldn't be so hard on myself & wouldn't isolate so much (would let her/others know when i need help). but i didn't actually realize until right now that the reason i do that is shame (&anxiety about the shame). i actually did feel all my feelings as a child but they were not validated, so i learned to keep them hidden in my journals etc.
anyway, thank you so much for this revelation & for all that you do here & i definitely had a religious authoritative parenting experience but also don't think i'm healthy enough to read about it yet without being massively triggered. :/
I so relate! I did not grasp that I can't control my feelings or thoughts just my actions until therapy this past year. No wonder I developed OCD so many years ago! Shame really sums up my whole life really. Trying to now be the parent I needed and I think honestly my kids have helped me to be a better parent to myself!
Thank you for putting this out in the world, D.L., it resonates. I (now self-diagnosed AuDHD, socialised female in American 90s evangelicalism) especially relate to the overintellectualization of my feelings. I'm very feelings-aware, but I want to pick them apart and then work out how to avoid feeling the uncomfortable ones. Thanks for the reminder / challenge that it is okay to let them move through you!
I think what has helped the most has been listening to podcasts or reading substack articles and journaling my responses. Then I reread my journals months and years later to keep processing those thoughts and feelings from a different perspective. Right now, I’m learning to process anger. That one has been really squashed.
Thank you for sharing so vulnerably! I resonate so much with all you have said. I've been doing somatic stuff in therapy for a while now, and I'm increasingly getting to a point where I can just feel the emotions and not, as you say, have that process derail my whole day. I still carry so much shame, but I think there is so much healing and power in recognizing that, noticing it, and not berating ourselves for that process. Cheers to re-parenting ourselves!
5 years ago, I gave up shame for Lent, and it was incredibly revealing. I had no idea how much power shame had on me until then. The process was very therapeutic. As another commenter mentioned, shame truly is the bully of all bullies - now I recognize it better and don't let it bully me (much).
Your section on finding yourself, especially this, resonates so hard with the beautiful place I’m finding myself in now: “I found what I have always been wanting, and I found it within myself.” I was raised that I was the last place to look/trust for authority in my life. It was God, then my parents, then really any adult. I have loved finding and trusting myself, and comforting and reparenting little me too (when I started counseling I hated being with/around little me…like woah!). I’m finding that I really like myself!! Thanks for this post. It’s reminding me of the beauty within the work that we’re doing to process our trauma and the impact of high control religion and religious authoritarian parenting.
Thank you for being vulnerable and choosing to share. Emotions are like a foreign language that I’m slowly learning to read. It feels like it’ll be years before I’m fluent enough to have a conversation, but hearing your story gives me hope. And community. So thank you.
Reading this, I could have written it myself. Only difference, I used to hold the ice cubes in my hand. Sorry you are going through this
But honestly, you don’t have to feel this way. You can clear this shame and the CPTSD. I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t experienced it myself.
This guy and his method fixes the glitches in 1-2 sessions. No affiliation. Just love him. He helped me so so much and helped my partner too. I did his method a year ago and have been so much better ever since. I even stopped going to weekly therapy, didn’t need it anymore. Worth booking a trip just to see him. Or find someone in your area trained in the same method.
https://timothy-oconnor.clientsecure.me/
I also believed for a long time that people were in control of their feelings, and it could just be the autism, but I think it's also that I was taught in church that my thoughts and feelings could be sinful. Which set me up for a whole boatload of anxiety around thinking/feeling the wrong things, but also led me to assume that I could choose 'pure' or 'holy' thoughts and feelings. It has been a real kick in the teeth to discover as an adult that the feelings just... arrive! Maybe flow through, maybe linger, maybe destroy me a little bit (hard to tell which of those three is happening in the moment; I'm also alexithymic), maybe leave. I think one day that will be liberating but I'm still in the early phase of being baffled that this fundamental thing I had assumed about human emotion is untrue.
(Also, I can't be the only one who writes about people/humans as 'they' and not 'we,' right? It's instinctive; my brain is convinced I'm an alien.)
Reading everyone’s comments makes me feel like I’m in good company. That positive feeling of not being alone chips away at the shame I carry around that drives my perfectionism and tells me that to be loved, accepted, and included I must not have any faults whatsoever. Thanks D.L. for your vulnerability that makes space for us to do likewise and rest in our humanity.
I had a newish-to-me experience on Monday regarding noticing how shame easily haunts me but then not letting it derail my day. My partner called to let me know our e-file for our taxes had been denied due to a missing health insurance document (mind you, we are among the 11% uninsured in Florida). My very heavily trafficked neural pathways connected to feeling as though I am 100% responsible for whatever trouble woes us (especially financial ones) fired, and according to my partner, I got a tad bit agressive and agitated before they quickly called it out. Instead of feeling shame for the way I’m responding out of more shame, I allowed myself to feel whatever emotion came my way and got curious about the episode. Grief was not far behind the initial reactivity. I realized I’m living out the consequence of growing up in a family that didn’t teach me emotional intelligence or how to talk about money without panicking and in Pentecostal circles that equated financial responsibility with God’s favor. I’ve always worried I would be one day be abandoned because I became a burden. Now I know where the origins of the thoughts that shame me into doing all I can not to drop a single ball or scare me into playing small and masking the fiery and justice-oriented me into subsmission come from.
The brain scans that I underwent last summer showed massive emotional trauma and stunting of the prefrontal cortex. My limbic system is overactive. It’s no wonder I reacted the way I did when supposedly threatened. And maybe, just maybe, responding with compassion during moments where shame will turn the neural highways into dusty footpaths less trodden.
i had a GIANT shame spiral last night after i accidentally hurt my partner’s feelings, and then the notification for this post popped up shortly after and we were just laughing and laughing about how timely this is. thank you for what you do!
Lately I keep telling myself: "It's okay to want what you want. That's beautiful that you want what you want. Try not to second-guess your wants, Sweetie. It's good." It helps some. But last week I had a day where I was acting on a desire that was good and innocent and I kept noticing that I was feeling guilty about it--I had to repeat this mantra to myself at least 15 times over the course of two hours. Wild. Hoping it will sink in eventually and I won't have this internal battle over something as simple as choosing to go be in nature.