I wrote two conservative Christian marriage books in 2006 and 2007 filled with all the stuff I’d read in other conservative Christian marriage books and regurgitated in my own style. 🙄 I was married for 22+ years when my husband left and I found out he’d been cheating for 4 years (this was 2020). I have a LOT of work to do around figuring out what parts of romance/sexuality were damaged for me by my religion and my unkind spouse. Right now I have so little interest in sex and dating, and it’s probably due in large part to the fact that I’m still detoxing/recovering. And also never got to explore what I wanted, just what he wanted and what I thought was expected of me. Plus also: I love my freedom. And I have so many books to read. I saved your book valentine photo. 😍 I’ll be writing a lot about this in the months to come.
"That might feel like a lot of change for outside observers, but for me it just feels like making peace with what was already happening in my inner world." Oooh, yes, this. Thank you for sharing this story. I haven't thought about Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage in a long time, but I used to listen to that content a lot because I was desperate for any kind of sex ed, and that was the only thing available. Cheers to healing, better resources, actually healthy relationships, and learning more about our sexual and gender identities. I also married a egalitarian radical, and he has been so great as I've been on my journey of naming and living into my queerness; I love that Kevin and I get to be weirdos together! (P. S. Also, yay Microcosm books---that's my publisher and I also work for them as an editor, as of December. I love their whole catalog too!)
Probably about a year ago now I also stumbled upon the term "demisexual" and after reading up on it had a very similar response to your "wow, what’s the point of identifying as something that is really common?" :P I think one of the things that held me back from claiming that identity and also why I assumed that was just how most people operated was largely due to the commentary about how most women don't want or care about sex and being in a physical relationship (of course only after marriage) and that any intimate relationship basically depends on the woman in traditionally partnered relationships to just make do. With that as my expectation, I never balked at the fact that I didn't ever have a crush on anyone who wasn't a good friend for a long time and just thought that I was such a good Christian girl that I had so conquered sexual purity that I very very very rarely had any desire for physical intimacy.
Having this framework has given me room to breathe I didn't know was missing, and reading Ace-spec romance has been such a fun way to continue exploring that! Azalea Crowley writes goofy neurodivergent and ace-spec monster romances which I also didn't know I needed in my life, but I have quite enjoyed. Role Playing by Carthy Yardley and Love, Theoretically by Ali Hazelwood were other ones I enjoyed this year!
"That might feel like a lot of change for outside observers, but for me it just feels like making peace with what was already happening in my inner world." This sentence also resonated so much with me. I was in complete disbelief when I realized all the couples who were/are propped up in the high control group I was in were very cis and hetero. Was it really that simple and obvious all along? I guess it goes hand in hand with not realizing my gender expression was different enough that it would cause a lot of emotional pain trying to keep with the group. I felt like I was being pushed to blame my husband and create drama that wasn't there instead of address the struggles we were experiencing with our mental health, which pointed to systemic issues we couldn't talk about because they were "political".
I feel so much compassion for my younger self who earnestly wanted to be “good” and read alllllll the books on xtian marriage/sex/relationships. I never dated (until I met my spouse at 20 and married him at 21 LOL) and had zero experience but was told waiting would be “the best gift” I could give my spouse. If by “best” you mean a bit traumatized. Thankfully I married a patient, loving man who has evolved into a Buddhist-adjacent egalitarian. I dodged many bullets before him! I saved that book valentine too to send to my ace teen tomorrow ❤️
"Platonic relationships are so important to our society, and a lot of autistic people seem to know this intrinsically. We don’t always understand all the hype around (seemingly volatile) romantic relationships. We long for a community that isn’t dependent on whether or not someone is sexually attracted to us."
Wait. I thought this was because I'm Ace. *Moves another thing from the Ace column to the neurodivergent column*
Loved this post and love you even more now knowing more of your background! I am a new-ish self-identified autistic, divorced mom of an autistic, gender expansive, ace teen. :-). Keen to test the dating waters but uncertain how to approach my ideal match. I'm thinking it would be easiest to date a neurodiverse cis man but am also curious about dating beyond these confines. Exciting, but daunting. Advice welcome!!
I wrote two conservative Christian marriage books in 2006 and 2007 filled with all the stuff I’d read in other conservative Christian marriage books and regurgitated in my own style. 🙄 I was married for 22+ years when my husband left and I found out he’d been cheating for 4 years (this was 2020). I have a LOT of work to do around figuring out what parts of romance/sexuality were damaged for me by my religion and my unkind spouse. Right now I have so little interest in sex and dating, and it’s probably due in large part to the fact that I’m still detoxing/recovering. And also never got to explore what I wanted, just what he wanted and what I thought was expected of me. Plus also: I love my freedom. And I have so many books to read. I saved your book valentine photo. 😍 I’ll be writing a lot about this in the months to come.
"That might feel like a lot of change for outside observers, but for me it just feels like making peace with what was already happening in my inner world." Oooh, yes, this. Thank you for sharing this story. I haven't thought about Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage in a long time, but I used to listen to that content a lot because I was desperate for any kind of sex ed, and that was the only thing available. Cheers to healing, better resources, actually healthy relationships, and learning more about our sexual and gender identities. I also married a egalitarian radical, and he has been so great as I've been on my journey of naming and living into my queerness; I love that Kevin and I get to be weirdos together! (P. S. Also, yay Microcosm books---that's my publisher and I also work for them as an editor, as of December. I love their whole catalog too!)
Probably about a year ago now I also stumbled upon the term "demisexual" and after reading up on it had a very similar response to your "wow, what’s the point of identifying as something that is really common?" :P I think one of the things that held me back from claiming that identity and also why I assumed that was just how most people operated was largely due to the commentary about how most women don't want or care about sex and being in a physical relationship (of course only after marriage) and that any intimate relationship basically depends on the woman in traditionally partnered relationships to just make do. With that as my expectation, I never balked at the fact that I didn't ever have a crush on anyone who wasn't a good friend for a long time and just thought that I was such a good Christian girl that I had so conquered sexual purity that I very very very rarely had any desire for physical intimacy.
Having this framework has given me room to breathe I didn't know was missing, and reading Ace-spec romance has been such a fun way to continue exploring that! Azalea Crowley writes goofy neurodivergent and ace-spec monster romances which I also didn't know I needed in my life, but I have quite enjoyed. Role Playing by Carthy Yardley and Love, Theoretically by Ali Hazelwood were other ones I enjoyed this year!
"That might feel like a lot of change for outside observers, but for me it just feels like making peace with what was already happening in my inner world." This sentence also resonated so much with me. I was in complete disbelief when I realized all the couples who were/are propped up in the high control group I was in were very cis and hetero. Was it really that simple and obvious all along? I guess it goes hand in hand with not realizing my gender expression was different enough that it would cause a lot of emotional pain trying to keep with the group. I felt like I was being pushed to blame my husband and create drama that wasn't there instead of address the struggles we were experiencing with our mental health, which pointed to systemic issues we couldn't talk about because they were "political".
I feel so much compassion for my younger self who earnestly wanted to be “good” and read alllllll the books on xtian marriage/sex/relationships. I never dated (until I met my spouse at 20 and married him at 21 LOL) and had zero experience but was told waiting would be “the best gift” I could give my spouse. If by “best” you mean a bit traumatized. Thankfully I married a patient, loving man who has evolved into a Buddhist-adjacent egalitarian. I dodged many bullets before him! I saved that book valentine too to send to my ace teen tomorrow ❤️
"Platonic relationships are so important to our society, and a lot of autistic people seem to know this intrinsically. We don’t always understand all the hype around (seemingly volatile) romantic relationships. We long for a community that isn’t dependent on whether or not someone is sexually attracted to us."
Wait. I thought this was because I'm Ace. *Moves another thing from the Ace column to the neurodivergent column*
Loved this post and love you even more now knowing more of your background! I am a new-ish self-identified autistic, divorced mom of an autistic, gender expansive, ace teen. :-). Keen to test the dating waters but uncertain how to approach my ideal match. I'm thinking it would be easiest to date a neurodiverse cis man but am also curious about dating beyond these confines. Exciting, but daunting. Advice welcome!!
These Vday cards are SO cute! Thanks for sharing! Love them.