The Five Love Languages of Autism
EDITED VERSION: Just kidding, I would never write a post like that!
Due to user error (mine!) I accidentally deleted the original post that went up this morning. Here it is again (and sorry to your inbox).
Welcome to Healing is My Special Interest, the newsletter at the intersection of late-diagnosed neurodivergence and healing from high control environments. One thing about religious groups like evangelicalism that are predicated on upholding patriarchal heirachy is that they are going to churn out some AWFUL advice when it comes to relationships—be they romantic or not. Today I am tackling just a teensy bit of this large topic—but lord knows most of us still have a lot of processing to do when it comes to the harms of the patriarchy. As always, it’s because of reader support that this newsletter keeps going—so thank you so much for reading, for sharing, and for supporting :) I love you!
To grow up evangelical in the 80s and 90s was to have patriarchal romantic relationship roles shoved down your throat constantly. My dad was (and still is) a pastor who specialized in giving romantic advice to couples. Think The 5 Love Languages1, Love and Respect2, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and series like “Laugh your way to a better marriage.3”
The strange thing about my childhood and adolescence is that early on everybody in my family clocked me as someone who would most likely never have a romantic partner. For one, I never seemed interested in any boys (um . . . have you met white evangelical teenage boys? They were sort of the worst). And for two, my family thought of me as strange, inward, shy, intense, slightly masc-presenting and (as I got older) not conventionally attractive for someone socialized as female4.
Since I didn’t fit the mold of what a white evangelical woman should be I didn’t internalize the pressure as much as other people (or so I thought). I acted as if the rigid gender roles didn’t apply to me, since I never could see myself in “good” relationships that were always being talked about. But when I started seriously dating Krispin, a) my family was shocked that I had a boyfriend and b) that’s when I started getting all the patriarchal Christian relationship “advice”5.
Back then I was pressured into engaging with the materials and I mostly found dull and insipid and not relevant to me in the slightest. Now I would go a step farther and say those materials are actively harmful, especially to women, and most of the relationship books my parents love are aimed at upholding white supremacist patriarchal relationships (and getting women to submit to these abusive relationships for life). There is no mention of consent, and most of the materials are aimed at getting women to give up their own needs, preferences, and desires for the sake of the marriage. It’s literally designed to crush the autonomy of women, and all of these materials act as if people of color and LGBTQIA+ people simply don’t exist (or they are outside of god’s will). If anyone is interested in more of my thoughts on these matters, we did an entire season on Christian romance for my podcast The Prophetic Imagination Station—think Captivating by Staci Eldridge and the Christy Miller Series—it’s perfect for your February listening 🙂
Since tomorrow is Valentine’s Day I thought it would be fun to take some time to think through the messages we received about romantic relationships growing up and what kind of wisdom we have gleaned since our early days.
One helpful societal change we are experiencing is that people are becoming more and more aware of sexual and gender diversity and the importance of understanding them through the usage of labels. Coming out of a high control religion that was obsessed with patriarchy, it took me a long time to understand the benefits of allowing myself to explore what my sexual orientation might be. For one, I thought of myself as very straight and very cis. To be fair, I also didn’t think I had anxiety or depression and had no clue I was autistic . . . see the pattern here?
I remember seeing someone put “demisexual” in their twitter bio and looking it up--this must have been 7 or 8 years ago? And I thought “wow, what’s the point of identifying as something that is really common?” Now this makes me giggle, because I don’t think it is all that common for people to be demisexual (where you only feel sexual attraction for someone after you develop a close emotional bond). But because it was MY reality I assumed it was the reality for everyone else. Now I have a better understanding of how my sexuality is different from other people and it has actually given me more understanding and empathy for folks and their orientations and preferences. I also don’t feel like I am missing out on some important part of being a human just because my sexuality doesn’t look the same as a lot of other people. And I can explore books and media that feature demisexual relationships that make me feel seen (I swear Darcy is a demisexual, which is why I love most Pride and Prejudice retellings).
Since demisexual is a part of the asexual spectrum, it’s also been great to learn more about folks who experience varying levels (if any) of sexual and/or romantic attraction. Learning about this has been so helpful for continuing to undo the damage of heteronormativity (which is closely linked with the patriarchy and white supremacy!). I’m so, so grateful to every person who takes the time to identify their own gender and sexuality and who gently educates the world around us. Despite Christian fascists working hard to eliminate the exposure to such things, more and more young people have access to information that will help them know themselves better--and not feel shame if they don’t fit the rigid gender or sexual roles assigned to them by their families and communities.
The past few years I have started understanding myself as autistic, demisexual, and non-binary. That might feel like a lot of change for outside observers, but for me it just feels like making peace with what was already happening in my inner world. Now that I have better terms for what I have experienced my entire life, there is so much less shame and judgment (for myself, and towards other people). And the older I get, the more I am wary of anyone who dismisses, belittles, or tries to shame people into NOT self-reflecting on their gender, sexuality, or neurotype. Usually this is a control tactic (or, sometimes, it comes from folks who are too terrified to do this work themselves).
Since I am happily partnered I personally don’t read or find any books on romantic relationships to be all that helpful. But my partner Krispin is a therapist who works with couples where at least one of the people is neurodivergent, and he told me that his absolute favorite book is The Autistic Partner Handbook: How to Love an Autistic Person6. I have read half of the book and I whole-heartedly agree—it’s fantastic (and no surprise, that is in part because one of the authors is autistic). Autistic and allistic people will find so much good insight and information in this book, and it certainly does not have to be limited to romantic relationships.
Platonic relationships are so important to our society, and a lot of autistic people seem to know this intrinsically. We don’t always understand all the hype around (seemingly volatile) romantic relationships. We long for a community that isn’t dependent on whether or not someone is sexually attracted to us. We tend to not conform to gender norms and therefore can find it challenging to find spaces where our partnerships are represented in media.
But the good news is—more and more people are on a similar journey towards understanding themselves better. The positive ripple effects of this deep inner work are incredible—it helps us process chronic shame and also allows us to lean into what actually gives us pleasure. Pleasure is one of the main resources we have for surviving a sometimes cruel and overwhelming world—so anything that connects us to this life-giving resources is good news in my book!
I’d love to know how folks are feeling these days about romance, neurodivergence, and healing from high control religions and their wretched relationship advice. Let me know in the comments how you are feeling about Valentine’s Day, book or media recommendations, or your own thoughts on romance!
For now, I leave you with some autistic valentines I made. If you could make some yourself what would they say?
For a great deep-dive into how untrained, homophobic, and anti-women Gary Chapmans’ the 5 Love Languages is, read this article.
The idea that women want love and men deserve “unconditional respect” is the backbone of the pastoral “relationship” counseling many evangelicals get. Here is an article that gets into the abusive messages of the book.
My parents pressured Krispin and me to watch this series when we were newly married. A better description is “laugh your way to an abusive marriage.” The author/presenter Mark Gungor basically makes fun of women the entire time—good evangelical marriage content right there!
Apparently it never crossed anyone’s mind that I could be a lesbian either. But I certainly dressed like a little butch for a long, long time!
A funny/sad story is that when I got engaged and my parents took Krispin and I out to celebrate I was not very excited or happy. My mom kept asking me why and I finally said “because marriage is hard work and it is a life-long commitment.” I HAD internalized the patriarchal marriage materials that made marriage out to be a slog for women from which there was no escape. Even though I loved Krispin I knew how much freedom I was giving up in that particular framework. Luckily for me I married a little gender-nonconforming egalitarian radical!!!!
I highly recommend checking out all the entire catalogue of Microcosm books/zines!
I wrote two conservative Christian marriage books in 2006 and 2007 filled with all the stuff I’d read in other conservative Christian marriage books and regurgitated in my own style. 🙄 I was married for 22+ years when my husband left and I found out he’d been cheating for 4 years (this was 2020). I have a LOT of work to do around figuring out what parts of romance/sexuality were damaged for me by my religion and my unkind spouse. Right now I have so little interest in sex and dating, and it’s probably due in large part to the fact that I’m still detoxing/recovering. And also never got to explore what I wanted, just what he wanted and what I thought was expected of me. Plus also: I love my freedom. And I have so many books to read. I saved your book valentine photo. 😍 I’ll be writing a lot about this in the months to come.
"That might feel like a lot of change for outside observers, but for me it just feels like making peace with what was already happening in my inner world." Oooh, yes, this. Thank you for sharing this story. I haven't thought about Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage in a long time, but I used to listen to that content a lot because I was desperate for any kind of sex ed, and that was the only thing available. Cheers to healing, better resources, actually healthy relationships, and learning more about our sexual and gender identities. I also married a egalitarian radical, and he has been so great as I've been on my journey of naming and living into my queerness; I love that Kevin and I get to be weirdos together! (P. S. Also, yay Microcosm books---that's my publisher and I also work for them as an editor, as of December. I love their whole catalog too!)