I came to the realization this year that it's difficult enough to be a human in the world, and no one gets extra points for doing life on hard mode. So do whatever you can that's accessible to you to make your life easier. Take the meds, buy the convenience foods, choose the auto-ship option, whatever.
I also have a job that can be physically demanding, and sometimes when I'm feeling lonely or low or stressed, I get really bummed out that I don't have anyone to help me deal with the pain in my feet or the knots in my back. I am the only person here that can take care of me, so I've been trying to do a little bit better job with that. For me, that means walking my dog, trying to do yoga semi-consistently, and liberal use of heating pads. I think the net result is a more positive and more gentle relationship with my own body, and therefore I'm able to pay more attention and better respond to my own needs.
PS: Those granny squares are beautiful, very excited to see the finished product at some point far in the future.
it is SO difficult to be a human. I love your entire framework here. And I will definitely post a braggy pic when my blanket is done! I am doing one of the monthly kits from Annie's Crochet Club (I paused it for 6 months LOL)
I have been using long hot showers as a regulation method from before I knew anything was up. It's the one place in the house you are guaranteed to be alone, and it's warm and cozy, and fully of water white noise. It's often where I process whatever is going on and or make up songs, sing loudly ( which is a great somatic release for me), make up stores in my head. I also journal, art journal, and use scents. I have ADHD, and I've been working on fighting it less, but aknowlaging it more. So I will indulge many of my hyperfixations, for example to make a baby dragon puppet, but also acknowledge that the dopamine for this project might run out and I won't finish it, may ever, maybe later. And that's okay. I've been doing easy to make meals and paper plates (compostable to make me feel less guilty). I've also been spending more time reading paper books, going by to libraries and book stores-bueautiful quiet regulating places filled with books! I will buy myself little things that make me happy more often. Tea. Trying to make sure that I have healthish food that I actually like and will eat in the house. Stuff like that. :)
Lol your heating pad era! Thank you for saying cold showers stress you out. I do think they help me but also sometimes I’m like “do I have to do one more effing hard thing today?! I just want to relax and feel good, even if it means my face is pink for an hour after my shower because I overdid the heat…”. I love this and really agree: “my body has wanted to go on longer and longer walks around my neighborhood.” I wish I could add more but your list really nails it!! Get weird being the top one. A thing that helps me is knitting in the carline at school pickup. Instead of the social nightmare that is waiting for my kids outside the (frankly bald and overly concrete building), I sit in my car, listen to an audiobook or message from my friend or tunes, and knit for fifteen minutes before the bonanza of afterschool reunion 🥳 💯 🧶
This is so funny, both the carline AND walking up to pick up/drop off my kid are both nightmares for me, at the current moment parking and walking are slightly less awful so that's what I do. I never thought about doing the carline and making it fun/relaxing tho!
Same! I did a “cold plunge” in a local lake with a friend last spring and it was so fun and regulating and it felt like the right context to be cold (outdoors)! Then I went home and took a hot shower 😂
FINALLY someone else who doesn't find deep breathing particularly helpful. It makes me feel more panicky too. (Also, I'm sorry we have this in common.)
As far as what I've found helpful . . . some of it is just stuff I've been doing my whole life, but this year I've realized the reason behind why I've done this stuff my whole life (hint: it's the autism, LOL). Like rereading my favorite books & fanfics and watching my favorite shows over and over (and then going onto Tumblr to reblog gifsets of said favorite shows) and eating the same meal for breakfast and lunch because it's just easier and also it tastes good.
But this year I've leaned into embracing comfortable clothes even if it means I'm slightly "underdressed." Not being Constantly Aware of a shirt's collar is way more important to me than looking fancy or whatever. And fidgeting. I've always kind of fiddled with my hands, but now I'm like "Oh, I actually need to do this." I had an orange paperclip in my coat pocket that was the perfect size/texture for fiddling with, and I lost it somewhere T__T
Honestly, just figuring out why I am the way that I am has been really helpful, because I can plan better for situations that are going to be overstimulating, either to avoid them or to deal with them however I need to. But it's frustrating too, knowing I'm going to struggle in certain areas my whole life. I restarted therapy this year thinking I'd "conquer" my anxiety and childhood stuff. Turns out I can't! Because I'm actually most likely autistic! Which is not something to be conquered but rather treated with extra self-kindness, which is not something I'm great at, but I'm working on it!
These accommodations we give to ourselves really add up (in a positive way) and help us get better at asking for accommodations from others. It's a really nice trickle-down effect. Instead of conquering our perceived failings, we learn to live within our actual bodies and their actual limits!
It felt like a real epiphany when I finally figured out why I had subconsciously felt a need to transition to v-neck tshirts years ago (also the autism).
Deep breathing is also unhelpful for me. I get too focused on counting and the wondering am I breathing enough or too much, and is this enough oxygen, am I supposed to feel light-headed...Not a good practice for me, haha.
I feel the pain of that orange paperclip loss! I have a small stone in my jacket pocket that I've fidgeted with for probably a year or two now. No memory of where I picked it up, but it has the right mix of smooth and jagged (nothing sharp enough to cut myself on) for me to play with.
Best of luck with therapy and learning self-kindness; that stuff is hard but worth it!
Thank you for validating the feelings I’ve had surrounding boundaries and relationships. It is hard when you start to see things differently and then you really see how much dysfunction is seen as normal. It is so draining to witness and feel and process. It’s so draining to have judgement and mean things said to you because you have boundaries.
Appreciate you thoughtful care for us here and for yourself. It’s an encouragement. Being trained by religions settings to people please and live for other people has caused me so much pain as I disinvest from the dysfunction, but I must! I cannot unsee. I cannot unfeeling it. Reading that a hermit stage is ok and in fact celebrated here is so timely and heartening. You rock!
It's so, so, so hard. I'm so glad you can be honest with yourself and recognize we can't just stuff it inside anymore. We can't unsee and we can't unfeel, no matter how much people in our lives wish we could. Happy hermiting to you, you definitely deserve all the love and care and safety you can get!
1. Get weird. Whenever I participate in a conversation about self care I’m struck by how cliche all my methods are: light a candle, pour tea, meditate, journal, yoga. Which I’m genuinely fine with! I don’t need to be more interesting! HOWEVER, when I go days or weeks without being able to access “peace” I lose access to all self-connection. Maybe this is where the weird comes in? Like we aren’t just peace factories. We get to feel and embody other things too. And maybe there are ways to embody anger or fear that aren’t scary and toxic, and maybe I need to open myself to being weird to find that.
2. Open yourself to creativity that produces mediocre/poor results. Why is this part of being human so hard to recover? It’s such a natural way to be in our bodies--to just try things and have fun with it. But when you are in a social environment that requires you to prove your value rather than taking it for granted, everything gets funneled into that anxious pursuit, and all other ways of being human get funneled out.
3. Swinging camp chairs exist! I want one! This turned out to be a Christmas list after all...
I almost posted a link to the chair but felt weird about it! I got mine from costco but I think you can get them anywhere. https://www.costco.com/rio-swinging-hammock-chair.product.100660750.html I originally bought it for my autistic kid but I use it a lot more than they do (I think it is sort of a cult classic among autistics?). I love how it folds up/you can store it in a closet and then pull it out for a few days. Also your thoughts on getting weird/being mediocre at creativity are so spot on to my experience!
As someone who has been on a creative healing journey for a while (I had a very bad case of creative burn out for years, and I'm a visual artist, so it sucked), and I am just starting to see the results that healing, making art just for you, that no one else will see, and making mediocre, cheesey, weird, campy, all of those is actually really important part of that healing process, and I would argue a healthy and normal part of being a creative human. (Also feeling weird and self conscious about it is super normal, but you get over it slowly.) I'm a professional artist, I can draw very well when I need to, but my art journal is not "good" art, alot of it is super cheesy and feels like a teens' emo journal, and it is important to my creative health.
I honestly love tapping into my emo teen at times. Thank you so much for your comment, it’s so nice to hear from an actual artist about how it works for them!
It’s walks and trees and birds for me! Also so many others you’ve mentioned - tapping & meditation & making art & naps. I’ve used your ice pack trick with my anxious 11 year old and she loved it. Today was a particularly challenging morning with said child and I am still regulating myself - I hate the sense of powerlessness and overwhelm I feel when we have a hard morning and my body feels like it’s vibrating for hours after. I think I’m going to try to squeeze in a walk before pickup. Here’s to more resilience in 2024!
I loved all your suggestions and utilize a lot of them myself! I hate cold showers but I can turn the water cold for about one second before turning it off at the end of my shower. A short little “whoa!” And then I can step out into the warm bathroom and I feel great.
I’ve been nurturing my inner child a lot this year - one way has been through creative arts. I’ve been letting my freak flag fly in the privacy of my own home, posting up quotes and images and art that speaks to me, as cringey as others might find it. I bought some wax pencils and I write/doodle on my shower walls sometimes. It wipes off with a magic eraser.
I got a tiny little clear glass bong and I painted the outside of it with neon rainbow paint, channeling my inner 90’s Lisa-Frank-loving self. Cannabis helps me so much on days when everything is just too much!
I also created a mental health first aid kit, with notecards listing practices I find helpful for times when I’m in fight/flight mode, and other things for when I’m in freeze mode and I need to come back into focus. Binaural beats are helpful (you need headphones for them to work,) and bilateral movement is great too. There are so many people sharing their methods that I’ve found some that work well for me. A self-hug with alternating tapping my chest on either side is one of my favs!
I just saw a quote on tik tok that said something like "it's never too late to have a happy childhood" and that is such a nice way of thinking about showing up for our inner kids here and now. I am also REALLY intrigued by your bong and want to see a pic!!!
Oh wow -- I love this post! Thank you for sharing it with us. I've hit both burnout and hormone dysregulation/adrenal fatigue in the last year (the former probably induced the latter). A couple of additional things that I've found really help my body get out of a stress response --
1. Listen to meditation music instead of a podcast/audiobook/course/tv show. I used to have information coming at me during all moments of the day that I could. Now, I listen to lyric-less music.
2. Lay down during the day, elevate legs/feet when I can. I never, never, never have done this in my adult life. It's the quickest way for my nervous system to click into low stress or rest state.
3. Eat dinner much earlier, no food 2-3 hours before bed. I get muuuuuch more restful sleep when I do this.
Mine are pretty mundane, but they've been the needle movers for me early in the game of focusing on helping my nervous system downshift.
I copied a couple of passages into my journal, so I’m more likely to remember them — the ones about dysregulated family members who don’t like my boundaries. I’m having an annoyingly hard time not feeling horribly guilty about not pleasing my mom. We’ve ended up low-contact, but any contact is dysregulating. I’ll keep doing the things I can to regulate. Thank you for the list of a variety of things I can try! I like building with Lego (miniatures for the win) and playing board games with my kids. I know someone who likes to screech and jump up and down when he’s upset, and that got me to thinking about football games. When I went to games, that really did feel good to yell and jump and shake my fist! Haha
Please don't shame yourself if you are having a hard time enforcing boundaires! You were most likely programmed as a young child to please your mom, and therefore this is a deep attachment need. My therapist told me it feels like dying to folks like us when we finally start to set boundaries with our parents. And that felt pretty true in my case! Once those initial feelings are processed, however, it does get a lot better.
Not so much a general practice, but, if Christmas and/or the holiday season is triggering for you, I suggest honoring that however you can. I recently wrote something on this topic to help others who aren’t enthusiastic for Christmas to know they’re not alone:
Thanks for sharing. I’ve been celebrating Yule (and other pagan holidays) with my kids -this is the third year- and it helps me feel less yucky about the season. My kids probably won’t ever really get why Christmas feels bad to me, but they roll with it.
Also small world: I saw your name and it looked familiar. Realized that (until two days ago) I had been working for your uncle and cousin. Your family’s holidays sound rough!
This is lovely and hopeful and helpful. Thank you so much for all your time with this. I always wondered why I yawned when I was hiking or running and now I know why!!!
I know the yawning thing is so weird to me but lots of somatic therapists mention it and that it is always a sign your nervous system is happy/is releasing tension!
I hope so. I don’t feel ashamed so much as just stuck in a loop about it all. I find myself practicing conversations with her (autistically). I think way too much every day about my mom and what she’s likely feeling. I was definitely programmed to please her and never upset her. Now that she’s super upset, I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I have heard someone say it would be easier if she was, indeed, dead, but I’m not so sure. I still have the irrational feeling she’ll haunt me. Her prayers have always seemed so powerful, will they be even more powerful in death? Have we covered that feeling yet in this group? I guess her prayers haven’t re-converted me, so they’re not that strong…ugh. And this is why I fight hard against any form of behavioral or compliance-based training. It is seriously messed up. Talking about it with you all helps, but it’s not a quick process moving through this.
Getting stuck in that loop is hard, but many of us have gone through (and continue to go through that.) I'm low contact with my mom and it took a while to get over that, but it is easier now. Don't underestimate the fact that you've taken that first step to take better care of yourself, and that's really hard, but you did it. Remember that, and that you can continue to do that because you've done it before, even if you don't hold the boundaries as well as you'd like everytime. I was able to get some EMDR therapy to help process that feeling of guilt with my mom because it was so, so strong, and it really helped. I think finding a balance of aknowlaing the feeling and processing it, but also regulating yourself as to not get lost in it for too long over time can help. It will get better. Good luck!
This is exactly right! I feel like all these nervous system regulation tricks help me process all the big feelings (like guilt about making my mom sad) AND they teach me how to tap in and out of big feelings and only process as much as I am able to at that moment. Which are both really important life skills I did not learn growing up!
I can confirm that it is not, in fact, easier if they are dead. I dream about my mother far more frequently now than I ever did when she was alive. Generally dreams in which she's dying but then SURPRISE! she's had a miraculous recovery and now I have to care for her. (This is probably residual guilt over not making the trip to see her before she died.) I am usually quite disregulated the day after I have one of those dreams, so I plan on leaning in to some of these practices in the future. (This is actually the first time I've put that word to the feeling I have when waking after certain dreams. I've called them 'sticky spider web dreams' and recently learned that instead of just trying to muscle through my day after one of them I NEED to do some sort of regulating activity first. Now it makes sense on a new level.)
Growing up with super religious parents I definitely felt like everything had to have a purpose with anything I did. trying to work through that still. Even if I just create for myself that is ok. Even if it is not PINTEREST worthy it is still worth doing! I talk myself out of doing so many things because it doesn't seem to have a purpose or save the world or whatever. Thank you for sharing that you make weird stuff just because! I love this! For instance I have bought so many colorful wigs over the years but have only gotten them out on halloween but I would love to actually just dress up for fun so many days but something in me won't let me do it. ugh. I am really inspired by what you share. <3
Making dinner has always stressed me out so much. We started buying premade meals at costco and easy stuff back in 2020 and have never stopped. That is one thing I have to do for myself. It might seem silly to some but taking the stress out of whatever you can really does help.
I was doing some christmas shopping on ETSY this weekend and went down the miniature rabbit hole. Miniatures are just so amazing! Love your little miniature christmas scene. :)
About the wigs: I have a little ritual I go through when I’m trying to work a new look/clothing item/color that I’m not really comfortable wearing around others into my regular wardrobe. First, I wear the item at home only while doing a specific task, this helps me break through the “put the item on” block. Next I’ll wear it all evening (and change out of it if leaving the house) this lets me check how comfortable the item is to wear in a variety of activities. Some stuff doesn’t make the cut at this stage and I try to be very detailed in what isn’t working and write out why it didn’t work. Finally I’ll wear the item to a low stakes short outing, like picking up takeout. Usually this is enough to feel comfortable adding the item to my regular wardrobe. If not, I keep doing small outings until I either become comfortable or figure out what isn’t working.
I came to the realization this year that it's difficult enough to be a human in the world, and no one gets extra points for doing life on hard mode. So do whatever you can that's accessible to you to make your life easier. Take the meds, buy the convenience foods, choose the auto-ship option, whatever.
I also have a job that can be physically demanding, and sometimes when I'm feeling lonely or low or stressed, I get really bummed out that I don't have anyone to help me deal with the pain in my feet or the knots in my back. I am the only person here that can take care of me, so I've been trying to do a little bit better job with that. For me, that means walking my dog, trying to do yoga semi-consistently, and liberal use of heating pads. I think the net result is a more positive and more gentle relationship with my own body, and therefore I'm able to pay more attention and better respond to my own needs.
PS: Those granny squares are beautiful, very excited to see the finished product at some point far in the future.
it is SO difficult to be a human. I love your entire framework here. And I will definitely post a braggy pic when my blanket is done! I am doing one of the monthly kits from Annie's Crochet Club (I paused it for 6 months LOL)
I have been using long hot showers as a regulation method from before I knew anything was up. It's the one place in the house you are guaranteed to be alone, and it's warm and cozy, and fully of water white noise. It's often where I process whatever is going on and or make up songs, sing loudly ( which is a great somatic release for me), make up stores in my head. I also journal, art journal, and use scents. I have ADHD, and I've been working on fighting it less, but aknowlaging it more. So I will indulge many of my hyperfixations, for example to make a baby dragon puppet, but also acknowledge that the dopamine for this project might run out and I won't finish it, may ever, maybe later. And that's okay. I've been doing easy to make meals and paper plates (compostable to make me feel less guilty). I've also been spending more time reading paper books, going by to libraries and book stores-bueautiful quiet regulating places filled with books! I will buy myself little things that make me happy more often. Tea. Trying to make sure that I have healthish food that I actually like and will eat in the house. Stuff like that. :)
I love how you are able to talk to yourself so nicely about dopamine running out on projects. What a great way to take shame out of the equation!
I'm not always good at not shaming myself, but working on it and getting better. :)
Lol your heating pad era! Thank you for saying cold showers stress you out. I do think they help me but also sometimes I’m like “do I have to do one more effing hard thing today?! I just want to relax and feel good, even if it means my face is pink for an hour after my shower because I overdid the heat…”. I love this and really agree: “my body has wanted to go on longer and longer walks around my neighborhood.” I wish I could add more but your list really nails it!! Get weird being the top one. A thing that helps me is knitting in the carline at school pickup. Instead of the social nightmare that is waiting for my kids outside the (frankly bald and overly concrete building), I sit in my car, listen to an audiobook or message from my friend or tunes, and knit for fifteen minutes before the bonanza of afterschool reunion 🥳 💯 🧶
This is so funny, both the carline AND walking up to pick up/drop off my kid are both nightmares for me, at the current moment parking and walking are slightly less awful so that's what I do. I never thought about doing the carline and making it fun/relaxing tho!
Same! I did a “cold plunge” in a local lake with a friend last spring and it was so fun and regulating and it felt like the right context to be cold (outdoors)! Then I went home and took a hot shower 😂
perfect yin/yang >>O<<
FINALLY someone else who doesn't find deep breathing particularly helpful. It makes me feel more panicky too. (Also, I'm sorry we have this in common.)
As far as what I've found helpful . . . some of it is just stuff I've been doing my whole life, but this year I've realized the reason behind why I've done this stuff my whole life (hint: it's the autism, LOL). Like rereading my favorite books & fanfics and watching my favorite shows over and over (and then going onto Tumblr to reblog gifsets of said favorite shows) and eating the same meal for breakfast and lunch because it's just easier and also it tastes good.
But this year I've leaned into embracing comfortable clothes even if it means I'm slightly "underdressed." Not being Constantly Aware of a shirt's collar is way more important to me than looking fancy or whatever. And fidgeting. I've always kind of fiddled with my hands, but now I'm like "Oh, I actually need to do this." I had an orange paperclip in my coat pocket that was the perfect size/texture for fiddling with, and I lost it somewhere T__T
Honestly, just figuring out why I am the way that I am has been really helpful, because I can plan better for situations that are going to be overstimulating, either to avoid them or to deal with them however I need to. But it's frustrating too, knowing I'm going to struggle in certain areas my whole life. I restarted therapy this year thinking I'd "conquer" my anxiety and childhood stuff. Turns out I can't! Because I'm actually most likely autistic! Which is not something to be conquered but rather treated with extra self-kindness, which is not something I'm great at, but I'm working on it!
These accommodations we give to ourselves really add up (in a positive way) and help us get better at asking for accommodations from others. It's a really nice trickle-down effect. Instead of conquering our perceived failings, we learn to live within our actual bodies and their actual limits!
It felt like a real epiphany when I finally figured out why I had subconsciously felt a need to transition to v-neck tshirts years ago (also the autism).
Deep breathing is also unhelpful for me. I get too focused on counting and the wondering am I breathing enough or too much, and is this enough oxygen, am I supposed to feel light-headed...Not a good practice for me, haha.
I feel the pain of that orange paperclip loss! I have a small stone in my jacket pocket that I've fidgeted with for probably a year or two now. No memory of where I picked it up, but it has the right mix of smooth and jagged (nothing sharp enough to cut myself on) for me to play with.
Best of luck with therapy and learning self-kindness; that stuff is hard but worth it!
Yes, exactly! I overthink it D: And it's entirely possible I just dropped the paperclip in the car somewhere. I'm going to check . . .
Thank you for validating the feelings I’ve had surrounding boundaries and relationships. It is hard when you start to see things differently and then you really see how much dysfunction is seen as normal. It is so draining to witness and feel and process. It’s so draining to have judgement and mean things said to you because you have boundaries.
Appreciate you thoughtful care for us here and for yourself. It’s an encouragement. Being trained by religions settings to people please and live for other people has caused me so much pain as I disinvest from the dysfunction, but I must! I cannot unsee. I cannot unfeeling it. Reading that a hermit stage is ok and in fact celebrated here is so timely and heartening. You rock!
It's so, so, so hard. I'm so glad you can be honest with yourself and recognize we can't just stuff it inside anymore. We can't unsee and we can't unfeel, no matter how much people in our lives wish we could. Happy hermiting to you, you definitely deserve all the love and care and safety you can get!
Oh this is just so good. My takeaways:
1. Get weird. Whenever I participate in a conversation about self care I’m struck by how cliche all my methods are: light a candle, pour tea, meditate, journal, yoga. Which I’m genuinely fine with! I don’t need to be more interesting! HOWEVER, when I go days or weeks without being able to access “peace” I lose access to all self-connection. Maybe this is where the weird comes in? Like we aren’t just peace factories. We get to feel and embody other things too. And maybe there are ways to embody anger or fear that aren’t scary and toxic, and maybe I need to open myself to being weird to find that.
2. Open yourself to creativity that produces mediocre/poor results. Why is this part of being human so hard to recover? It’s such a natural way to be in our bodies--to just try things and have fun with it. But when you are in a social environment that requires you to prove your value rather than taking it for granted, everything gets funneled into that anxious pursuit, and all other ways of being human get funneled out.
3. Swinging camp chairs exist! I want one! This turned out to be a Christmas list after all...
I almost posted a link to the chair but felt weird about it! I got mine from costco but I think you can get them anywhere. https://www.costco.com/rio-swinging-hammock-chair.product.100660750.html I originally bought it for my autistic kid but I use it a lot more than they do (I think it is sort of a cult classic among autistics?). I love how it folds up/you can store it in a closet and then pull it out for a few days. Also your thoughts on getting weird/being mediocre at creativity are so spot on to my experience!
Ah! Thank you!
As someone who has been on a creative healing journey for a while (I had a very bad case of creative burn out for years, and I'm a visual artist, so it sucked), and I am just starting to see the results that healing, making art just for you, that no one else will see, and making mediocre, cheesey, weird, campy, all of those is actually really important part of that healing process, and I would argue a healthy and normal part of being a creative human. (Also feeling weird and self conscious about it is super normal, but you get over it slowly.) I'm a professional artist, I can draw very well when I need to, but my art journal is not "good" art, alot of it is super cheesy and feels like a teens' emo journal, and it is important to my creative health.
I honestly love tapping into my emo teen at times. Thank you so much for your comment, it’s so nice to hear from an actual artist about how it works for them!
It’s walks and trees and birds for me! Also so many others you’ve mentioned - tapping & meditation & making art & naps. I’ve used your ice pack trick with my anxious 11 year old and she loved it. Today was a particularly challenging morning with said child and I am still regulating myself - I hate the sense of powerlessness and overwhelm I feel when we have a hard morning and my body feels like it’s vibrating for hours after. I think I’m going to try to squeeze in a walk before pickup. Here’s to more resilience in 2024!
I love all of these ideas! And your miniatures are adorable.
I loved all your suggestions and utilize a lot of them myself! I hate cold showers but I can turn the water cold for about one second before turning it off at the end of my shower. A short little “whoa!” And then I can step out into the warm bathroom and I feel great.
I’ve been nurturing my inner child a lot this year - one way has been through creative arts. I’ve been letting my freak flag fly in the privacy of my own home, posting up quotes and images and art that speaks to me, as cringey as others might find it. I bought some wax pencils and I write/doodle on my shower walls sometimes. It wipes off with a magic eraser.
I got a tiny little clear glass bong and I painted the outside of it with neon rainbow paint, channeling my inner 90’s Lisa-Frank-loving self. Cannabis helps me so much on days when everything is just too much!
I also created a mental health first aid kit, with notecards listing practices I find helpful for times when I’m in fight/flight mode, and other things for when I’m in freeze mode and I need to come back into focus. Binaural beats are helpful (you need headphones for them to work,) and bilateral movement is great too. There are so many people sharing their methods that I’ve found some that work well for me. A self-hug with alternating tapping my chest on either side is one of my favs!
I just saw a quote on tik tok that said something like "it's never too late to have a happy childhood" and that is such a nice way of thinking about showing up for our inner kids here and now. I am also REALLY intrigued by your bong and want to see a pic!!!
Oh wow -- I love this post! Thank you for sharing it with us. I've hit both burnout and hormone dysregulation/adrenal fatigue in the last year (the former probably induced the latter). A couple of additional things that I've found really help my body get out of a stress response --
1. Listen to meditation music instead of a podcast/audiobook/course/tv show. I used to have information coming at me during all moments of the day that I could. Now, I listen to lyric-less music.
2. Lay down during the day, elevate legs/feet when I can. I never, never, never have done this in my adult life. It's the quickest way for my nervous system to click into low stress or rest state.
3. Eat dinner much earlier, no food 2-3 hours before bed. I get muuuuuch more restful sleep when I do this.
Mine are pretty mundane, but they've been the needle movers for me early in the game of focusing on helping my nervous system downshift.
I copied a couple of passages into my journal, so I’m more likely to remember them — the ones about dysregulated family members who don’t like my boundaries. I’m having an annoyingly hard time not feeling horribly guilty about not pleasing my mom. We’ve ended up low-contact, but any contact is dysregulating. I’ll keep doing the things I can to regulate. Thank you for the list of a variety of things I can try! I like building with Lego (miniatures for the win) and playing board games with my kids. I know someone who likes to screech and jump up and down when he’s upset, and that got me to thinking about football games. When I went to games, that really did feel good to yell and jump and shake my fist! Haha
Please don't shame yourself if you are having a hard time enforcing boundaires! You were most likely programmed as a young child to please your mom, and therefore this is a deep attachment need. My therapist told me it feels like dying to folks like us when we finally start to set boundaries with our parents. And that felt pretty true in my case! Once those initial feelings are processed, however, it does get a lot better.
Not so much a general practice, but, if Christmas and/or the holiday season is triggering for you, I suggest honoring that however you can. I recently wrote something on this topic to help others who aren’t enthusiastic for Christmas to know they’re not alone:
https://www.opendemocracy.net/en/5050/us-holiday-season-difficult-time-people-struggle-scrooge-grinch-christmas-thanksgiving/
I loved this post, thank you for sharing it!
Thanks for sharing. I’ve been celebrating Yule (and other pagan holidays) with my kids -this is the third year- and it helps me feel less yucky about the season. My kids probably won’t ever really get why Christmas feels bad to me, but they roll with it.
Also small world: I saw your name and it looked familiar. Realized that (until two days ago) I had been working for your uncle and cousin. Your family’s holidays sound rough!
I’m so glad I’m not alone in belting random tiktok sounds throughout the day.
I'm the only person in my family who uses tik tok and they all think I am bonkers.
This is lovely and hopeful and helpful. Thank you so much for all your time with this. I always wondered why I yawned when I was hiking or running and now I know why!!!
I know the yawning thing is so weird to me but lots of somatic therapists mention it and that it is always a sign your nervous system is happy/is releasing tension!
I hope so. I don’t feel ashamed so much as just stuck in a loop about it all. I find myself practicing conversations with her (autistically). I think way too much every day about my mom and what she’s likely feeling. I was definitely programmed to please her and never upset her. Now that she’s super upset, I don’t know how to stop thinking about it. I have heard someone say it would be easier if she was, indeed, dead, but I’m not so sure. I still have the irrational feeling she’ll haunt me. Her prayers have always seemed so powerful, will they be even more powerful in death? Have we covered that feeling yet in this group? I guess her prayers haven’t re-converted me, so they’re not that strong…ugh. And this is why I fight hard against any form of behavioral or compliance-based training. It is seriously messed up. Talking about it with you all helps, but it’s not a quick process moving through this.
Getting stuck in that loop is hard, but many of us have gone through (and continue to go through that.) I'm low contact with my mom and it took a while to get over that, but it is easier now. Don't underestimate the fact that you've taken that first step to take better care of yourself, and that's really hard, but you did it. Remember that, and that you can continue to do that because you've done it before, even if you don't hold the boundaries as well as you'd like everytime. I was able to get some EMDR therapy to help process that feeling of guilt with my mom because it was so, so strong, and it really helped. I think finding a balance of aknowlaing the feeling and processing it, but also regulating yourself as to not get lost in it for too long over time can help. It will get better. Good luck!
This is exactly right! I feel like all these nervous system regulation tricks help me process all the big feelings (like guilt about making my mom sad) AND they teach me how to tap in and out of big feelings and only process as much as I am able to at that moment. Which are both really important life skills I did not learn growing up!
Thank you both.
I can confirm that it is not, in fact, easier if they are dead. I dream about my mother far more frequently now than I ever did when she was alive. Generally dreams in which she's dying but then SURPRISE! she's had a miraculous recovery and now I have to care for her. (This is probably residual guilt over not making the trip to see her before she died.) I am usually quite disregulated the day after I have one of those dreams, so I plan on leaning in to some of these practices in the future. (This is actually the first time I've put that word to the feeling I have when waking after certain dreams. I've called them 'sticky spider web dreams' and recently learned that instead of just trying to muscle through my day after one of them I NEED to do some sort of regulating activity first. Now it makes sense on a new level.)
Thank you for sharing! Your list is so great!
Growing up with super religious parents I definitely felt like everything had to have a purpose with anything I did. trying to work through that still. Even if I just create for myself that is ok. Even if it is not PINTEREST worthy it is still worth doing! I talk myself out of doing so many things because it doesn't seem to have a purpose or save the world or whatever. Thank you for sharing that you make weird stuff just because! I love this! For instance I have bought so many colorful wigs over the years but have only gotten them out on halloween but I would love to actually just dress up for fun so many days but something in me won't let me do it. ugh. I am really inspired by what you share. <3
Making dinner has always stressed me out so much. We started buying premade meals at costco and easy stuff back in 2020 and have never stopped. That is one thing I have to do for myself. It might seem silly to some but taking the stress out of whatever you can really does help.
I was doing some christmas shopping on ETSY this weekend and went down the miniature rabbit hole. Miniatures are just so amazing! Love your little miniature christmas scene. :)
About the wigs: I have a little ritual I go through when I’m trying to work a new look/clothing item/color that I’m not really comfortable wearing around others into my regular wardrobe. First, I wear the item at home only while doing a specific task, this helps me break through the “put the item on” block. Next I’ll wear it all evening (and change out of it if leaving the house) this lets me check how comfortable the item is to wear in a variety of activities. Some stuff doesn’t make the cut at this stage and I try to be very detailed in what isn’t working and write out why it didn’t work. Finally I’ll wear the item to a low stakes short outing, like picking up takeout. Usually this is enough to feel comfortable adding the item to my regular wardrobe. If not, I keep doing small outings until I either become comfortable or figure out what isn’t working.