The big ol' list of how I regulated my nervous system in 2023
It's . . . been a year, ammiright?
Welcome to Healing is my Special Interest, the newsletter at the intersection of late-diagnosed neurodivergence and recovering from high-control environments. It’s a weird niche but it’s MY niche. As I was working on this list I was struggling with enormous feelings regarding the genocide happening in Gaza. How can it not dysregulate me? These days if I get a second to be alone (which usually happens in the car) I let myself scream as loudly as I can. Long and guttural or high pitched shrieks. Sometimes I am a bit hoarse when I pick up my child from school, but it feels good to let it out. Our bodies HAVE to be able to process the enormity of the grief we take in through our phones and computers. Hopefully this post can help you identify how you are already taking care of your nervous system and give you some ideas to keep going. Because we really, really want you here with us!
PS . . . usually the comments are only for the paid subscriber community, but today I am leaving them open for everyone!
The big ol list of how I regulated my nervous system in 2023
I LOVE end-of-the-year lists. I love wallowing in reflection. I love thinking back on the media I loved, the books that stuck with me, the memories I made. As I was thinking about my 2023 year in review, I thought a lot about all the various ways I have tried to help my poor overworked nervous system relax, and I thought I would make a little listicle to share with y’all.
First off, the disclaimers: I am not a medical doctor. I am not someone who has studied nervous system regulation. Some of the things I do I just . . . do. I don’t have the science to back up my claims, and what works for me might not work for you. But that’s sort of the annoyingly beautiful part of all of this: we get to try various things and pay attention to what makes us feel better!
I AM someone who has been chronically dysregulated my entire life, and if you are someone who wasn’t diagnosed or accommodated for your neurodivergence in childhood, there is a good chance you have also been extra stuck in threat responses—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—and not even known about it. For instance, in much of my childhood I was either dissociating or in the fawn response, but I was regarded as the model, “perfect” girl who was shy, quiet, and obsessed with reading and always obeyed. When I got older, the stress from being in these states added up, and the anxiety and depression and passive suicidality crept up as well.
This led me eventually experience panic attacks, meltdowns, and my body basically only wanting to be curled up in the fetal position in a cold dark room alone whenever it could. I had a strong startle reflex, no sense of a future for myself, and thought only by pushing myself to DO MORE FOR GOD/JUSTICE could I ever feel the tiniest bit better (spoiler alert: this did not work). I experienced racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, catastrophizing, ethical thought ruminations that lasted for days, waves of shame that would engulf me for hours on end, irritability, lack of focus, brain fog, refusing to leave the house, becoming scared to drive and no longer hanging out with friends or pursuing any creative hobbies . . . It was awful but it was all I knew.
I, like a lot of people, blamed myself for all of my symptoms instead of wondering where they came from. But eventually, through therapy and lots of support, I started to unpack my own life and pay attention to my body. Both of these shifts have literally saved my life, and much of it started with me simply identifying when I was experiencing anxiety / was in some kind of threat response, and then working to regulate my nervous system to get out of those threat responses instead of being stuck in them indefinitely.
I’ve felt like a little baby, re-learning how to listen to the one thing that has always been with me as a potential source of wisdom and care and connection. Living in a western white supremacist heteronormative ableist capitalistic society, SO many of us have been raised to be disconnected from our bodies. And if you grew up in a high control religion like white evangelicalism, you were taught explicitly NOT to trust your own body or your own intuition (which . . . really sucks!). I know there is a lot of indigenous and global wisdom out there that I haven’t learned yet, and I am excited to keep learning for the rest of my life! Weirdly enough, I think we can also learn about nervous system stuff from children (and animals too!).
Lastly, it is normal to be dysregulated. It’s a part of being human. And there is a lot of shit going on in the world that naturally really upsets us (because it is genuinely upsetting!). The goal is never to not be dysregulated ever (that would make us . . . Robots? Or self-care influencers who ignore the realities of genocide?) but to be able to identify when our bodies are feeling overwhelmed and to help ourselves be able to tolerate it and move back into a window of feeling calm/safe/present/embodied instead of being stuck constantly in an activated state.
SO, with all of that, here is a non-exhaustive list of all the things I have done in 2023 to calm my overstimulated nervous system.
1) Get Weird.
This is probably the biggest shift I have had to make—nervous system regulation does not always look like taking deep breaths in a well-lit yoga studio (although it can!). Sometimes it means listening to what your body wants to do and recognizing that for years/decades you have ignored your body simply because it seemed too “weird” to do what it wants. I’m lucky because I have an 8yo who wanders around my house, stomping his feet and snapping his fingers and singing snippets of songs over and over again. He bounces on a yoga ball and uses his stomach as a drum and he only wears clothes that feel comfy and doesn’t care what they look like. He whistles and sings and hums and laughs and cries. I decided this year to be more like him—and guess what? It is delightful!
Do you ever get a weird Tik Tok viral song clip stuck in your head? What if you just belted it out at the top of your lungs? Do you ever want to fidget? Then fidget! What if you turned on a favorite song and let yourself wiggle and jiggle as much as you wanted to (and maybe let yourself play it ten times in a row?) This year I busted out a swinging camping chair and when I don’t feel very good I just swing, over and over again . . . Which just feels so weird to do as a grown-ass adult! But it honestly feels great to swing and I wish I allowed myself to do this more.
I started noticing how my dog stretches every morning, or after her (many) naps and it looked pretty nice. So I started pretending I was a cat and allowing my body to unfurl periodically. Sometimes I sing my thoughts aloud when they feel like they are smothering me. I shiver when I want to shiver. I hum when I want to hum. I have started making really weird faces when I am alone—really stretching out my jaw or widening my eyes big. I sway and do weird dance moves and am trying to find little spots of movement to remind myself I’m not just a brain walking around but I’m a living breathing jiggling body.
I’m not really sure what any of this means but it truly does feel good. And what so many of us need is a little extra helping of feeling good in our actual, physical bodies.
For people who have been undiagnosed autistic the majority of their lives, I think it is vital to allow yourself to get weird with how your body wants to release emotions and anxiety. Most of us were either explicitly told or we simply learned that it wasn’t OK to stim or self-soothe in public. Some of us even took this to the extreme of not letting ourselves stim in private either. While hand flapping and rocking are two of the most commonly talked about stims for autistic people, singing, humming, fidgeting, jiggling, listening to the same song, talking in different accents, repeating favorite parts of movie dialogue, and various kinds of crafting can all be stims too. Letting ourselves stim, and getting over the hurdle of it being “weird” will go a long, long way towards letting out all of the anxious energy that we keep shoving down inside.
2) Get Creative.
This goes nicely with the weird part. As someone who has been a semi-public person on the internet for over 13 years now, I sort of thought I had a lock on being ‘creative.” But instead I slowly conflated my inescapable need to create with publishing. I also got locked into the mindset that everything I created needed to be “for” something (this one is not really my fault, I was born the child of pastors who heavily put this pressure on me). I created for Jesus and his kingdom, then for activism. Nothing inherently wrong with having religion or justice be a part of your framework for being a human, but for me it became harmful when every single thing I did must be in service to some higher cause greater than myself. Sometimes, all I have is myself. Sometimes, when you don’t take care of your own little autonomous beautiful complicated self, those big causes eat you up and spit you out.
So. Being creative just for the sake of being creative is something that I have tapped into this year, but it’s been nice to reflect and see how this has always been a part of my personality / way of regulating. In 2023 here is a list of creative things I have done, to try and feel less anxious and unsettled in my body/mind. I am crocheting an incredibly intricate blanket verrrrry slowly. I made a bunch of sweatshirts and keychains. I have been slowly daydreaming about creating a stand-up comedy set. I write weird poems in my notes app on my phone. I use my art journal to express all the feelings I stuff inside every once in a while. I use a regular ol’ journal to do the same thing. I make miniatures until my fingers are covered in glue. I started using a typewriter to type out weird shit and then cut it up and pasted it on other paper and all of a sudden I was into making zines! I have done collages and paper mache and clay work and needlepoint and drawing and a teensy bit of painting (I want to do more of this!) and colored in coloring books. I’ve written 30,000 words of a memoir I have no desire to publish. I’ve made pro-Palestine signs and carried them around my city. I’ve made a few pies, sewed or created parts of costumes and cosplays, and idly dreamed up plots for fantasy novels.
That is . . . a lot. And even typing it all out it’s hard to believe I can cycle through so many various crafty or creative projects. But I do! And the trick is, I am not good at any of them. I am objectively bad or just mediocre at most things I do. But a few of these creative pursuits—like writing a memoir or baking pies—I can see the results of working on the skills for multiple years and how it actually makes something more coherent and delicious. But for most of the stuff I do? The results are clumsy and fragile and wonky. But it doesn’t matter, because I am just being a human being who has to create in order to thrive. And my nervous system knows this!
3) Get Back (To Nature)
Be intentional about green space in your life. Even pictures on the walls or wearing green clothes can help! If you can, try and find bits of nature you can rest your eyes on every once in a while. Yule/Christmas/Winter is a great time to bring greenery from the outdoors into your home, and let it soothe your nervous system. I used to think that running on a treadmill was the best thing to get over high anxiety in my body (and, this does still work for me) but in the past year I have really noticed a shift. Instead of going to a sweaty gym filled with people I feel slightly afraid of, my body has wanted to go on longer and longer walks around my neighborhood. I have spots where I specifically smell the trees or notice the change throughout the seasons. It has become vital for me to walk and walk and walk and notice nature.
The same thing is true for things like listening to birdsong—you can train yourself to notice if there are birds around you and stop and listen to them. This truly does calm your nervous system! If you don’t have access to this, you can listen to birdsong on YouTube or wherever you get audio content and this can also help. Our bodies need to be connected to nature and sag under the relief of the wide world that has existed long before us and will exist after us. Hayao Miyazaki’s work is all about this! Also, science I’m pretty sure also backs this up.
4) Cold (and heat!)
I know you all are sick of me talking about cold BUT it physically helps flood your body with feel-good emotions and calms down the razzle-dazzled nervous system. If you are struggling with anxiety in ANY form (panic, intrusive thoughts, catastrophizing, dread, irritability) putting an ice pack (or bag of frozen peas) on your chest for at least 10 minutes is one of the most helpful things you can do. It has helped me get out of a LOT of thought loops and it is very low-effort. This year Krispin got really into cold showers and swimming in our cold pool and could definitely feel the calming effects for hours. Cold showers are a bit too much for me and actually STRESS ME OUT but I can do ice packs, cold rollers on my face, and drink ice water through a metal straw all dang day.
A lot of people also use heat to self-soothe which is great. I just recently entered my Heating Pad Era and I’m excited to see what more is in store for me. I think alternating between hot and cold can be really helpful, both for aches and pains and also just for stimulating the nervous system in nice ways.
5) Limit as much stress as you can
Now this one is hard for folks but try and start small. Figure out ways to minimize dread and anxiety in your routines and relationships. For me, I have done more online shopping and I rotate signing up for meal kits and getting discounts because being a safe nervous system for my kids all day takes so much out of me that trying to cook a meal they will actually enjoy and eat every evening is INCREDIBLY STRESSFUL to me. So every other week I know I have three meals with all the instructions that I can do. This is just one example! If your nervous system is chronically dysregulated, a lot of the above suggestions might not even work if you aren’t addressing what is causing you to be in fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode (or shutdown/burnout if things get too much).
Doing any kind of nervous system work in conjunction with limiting stress in your life gives you the best chance at actually feeling better and being able to make decisions out of your values instead of out of fear, shame, guilt, or anger. Limiting stress and prioritizing how your body feels in certain situations and about certain tasks will eventually lead you to being able to better communicate your needs and boundaries, making you a safer person for people who are also getting better at those things1.
The majority of autistic people cannot work a traditional full time job, and that’s because it puts SO much stress on us. In the past few years I have had to do a lot of work looking at my own situation—I gave up a lot of income by not doing public speaking / conferences anymore, for instance—but I found Substack instead! This has helped me be able to heal in ways I can’t express (so thank YOU to everyone who supports this venture either with your money or your time/attention/sharing about it!2). I also stopped writing/debating with evangelical Christians (much less stress). I limit my time on social media in general. And, more importantly, I am starting to recognize my limits when it comes to absorbing bad news and I try to respect those limits (I do not always do this successfully). Nothing good comes from pushing an already overwhelmed autistic person to DO MORE TRY HARDER CONSUMER MORE CONTENT. But I often feel like this cannot be true of me (spoiler alert, it is).
I also went low or no contact with a lot of incredibly dysregulated people who are in my life, including my parents. It’s worked wonders for me, giving my own nervous system a chance to heal instead of being on high alert about how to manage the big emotions of other people who are not my children (all priority goes to them, and I don’t have much capacity for anyone else these days). There is a lot of cultural baggage around going low or no-contact with family members, but from a nervous system perspective—it is necessary for some people to step away from constantly dysregulated people who are a) Not aware they are dysregulated and b) Have no interest in developing the tools to help themselves self-regulate and would prefer you do it for them.
6) Fill your life with safe people and experiences
The flip side of hanging out less with the people who are, say, constantly blaring FOX NEWS (a hallmark of the chronically dysregulated is being drawn to people or news sites or social media accounts that give them a place for big feelings like RAGE and FEAR and SHAME) is that maybe you will have the energy to find some nice chill people to hang out with. Or at least people who are working on their shit and know how to set some boundaries and honor other people’s.
My partner Krispin is someone whom my nervous system feels incredibly safe with. Even when we were dating I would get so sleepy after hanging out with him. I thought I had anemia! But the same thing happens to me in the evenings, even after being married for almost 16 years: the second I am snuggled up close to him, my eyes start to drift shut. I’ve been hyper vigilant throughout most of the day—worrying about my kids and my pets and where the HELL do I find socks that my kids can wear without having a meltdown and also the state of the world—but Krispin and his physical presence makes me realize I don’t have to hold it all anymore. I can relax, and know someone is with me who doesn’t need anything from me. Just someone to be with. And it puts me right to sleep, because I finally feel safe.
Find your sleepy people. Or luxuriate in being alone! Or maybe hang out with some animals. There is a reason a lot of people with trauma are drawn to animals. They can feel safer to our nervous systems and are a way we can experience unconditional love (even when we don’t think we deserve it). My dog Fern has probably helped me and my nervous system more than I could describe here in a few sentences!
As far as safe experiences, you can eat foods that feel calming and comforting (and don’t force yourself to eat stuff you don’t want to). Watch old comfort shows. Re-read your favorite books from childhood. Turn your room into a quiet, cool, dark cave (preferably with some kind of white noise or soothing noise on in the background). Lean into your Hermit Era if you don’t feel safe around most people. Go on a quest to give yourself pleasure in ways that require very little from your brain.
7) Random grab-bag of tricks
Ok a few other things I utilize: cannabis! Certain strands of THC can give me a tiny bit of anxiety but essentially microdosing Indica THC gummies has been incredibly helpful to me for helping an anxious nervous system (remember, I am not a doctor and this is legal in my state). If I don’t want any THC I have found the CBD also moderately helps with a sense of calm/being in my body in a pleasant way. So does magnesium, putting epsom salts in my bath, doing vagus nerve exercises I find on YouTube, yawning3, laughing at stupid memes (or laughing at anything, really) body scans, listening to pink/brown noise, tapping, reading romance books (they HAVE to have a happy ending, that is literally the rules), eating more protein, surrounding myself with scents that I love (in candles, soap, and perfume—I am partial to unisex scents and things like pine and cedar and citrus). I only drink 1/2 a cup of caffeinated coffee these days and it seems to help a lot with lowering anxiety, and I also try to be mindful of alcohol for the exact same reasons. If I am trapped in an anxiety doom scrolling vortex I have a few stupid games I can play on my phone that can help calm me down (tetris, wordscapes, and two dots are my favs).
I am also in somatic therapy which basically serves to co-regulate me and help me get more in touch with my body and what it is telling me. Just the other day my somatic therapist was telling me about bilateral stimulation and bilateral beats to listen to through headphones. I have never done that before but I am excited to try it out and see if it helps me feel better in my body! Because of my history with panic attacks I can’t do a lot of deep breathing stuff and because of my history with high control religion I often find meditation or prayer practices to also be more triggering than they are helpful. Some people love ASMR and some people think it is weird as shit—and this should serve as a metaphor for alllllll of these practices. What works for me might not work for you, and vice versa. But trying things out, paying attention to how we feel, and incorporating what works into our life will have massively beneficial impacts not only on us—but I believe on society as a whole.
I’ve spent a shit ton of time in 2023 figuring out ways to help my body feel safer and calmer. Mostly because I want to be a good parent and partner, and also because I am a human being and I deserve to feel safe and at home in my body. And feeling safer in our bodies makes us less susceptible to high control groups and political movements like fascism. Authoritarianism gets into power by whipping people up into chronic states of dysregulation—and then by promising the only “cure” is a big strong leader who will make us safe. By doing the work to process (and feel) our big emotions and learning the tools of regulating ourselves, we will be much less likely to be sucked into situations or be under the influence of people who do not have our best interests at heart.
So in the next year, I would love it if more of us can get weird, get creative, and stay committed to the hard work of showing up for our bodies and what they are telling us about the sustainability of our life. You probably are already doing a number of these things and just being intentional about doing them more often can be life-changing!
So: how did YOU show up for your nervous system this year?
If you have practices you do that I haven’t mentioned, please put them in the comments and let’s turn this into a resource for folks! I’m so thankful to the tidbits people have shared with me over the years, and I’m excited to keep listening and learning along with all of you.
When you start setting boundaries and honoring your limits, you will also quickly realize who in your life does NOT want you to do this and who will not want to honor your boundaries! Which is stressful in the beginning but I promise it gets better as you gain some distance from those folks.
For less than a cup of fancy coffee a month people support this substack which allows me to pay some bills (mostly for therapy) and support other autistic creators! I think that is a LOT better than being paid money by institutions for me to write/speak/say exactly what they want me to.
yawning is also a sign that whatever you are doing to calm your nervous system is working!
I came to the realization this year that it's difficult enough to be a human in the world, and no one gets extra points for doing life on hard mode. So do whatever you can that's accessible to you to make your life easier. Take the meds, buy the convenience foods, choose the auto-ship option, whatever.
I also have a job that can be physically demanding, and sometimes when I'm feeling lonely or low or stressed, I get really bummed out that I don't have anyone to help me deal with the pain in my feet or the knots in my back. I am the only person here that can take care of me, so I've been trying to do a little bit better job with that. For me, that means walking my dog, trying to do yoga semi-consistently, and liberal use of heating pads. I think the net result is a more positive and more gentle relationship with my own body, and therefore I'm able to pay more attention and better respond to my own needs.
PS: Those granny squares are beautiful, very excited to see the finished product at some point far in the future.
I have been using long hot showers as a regulation method from before I knew anything was up. It's the one place in the house you are guaranteed to be alone, and it's warm and cozy, and fully of water white noise. It's often where I process whatever is going on and or make up songs, sing loudly ( which is a great somatic release for me), make up stores in my head. I also journal, art journal, and use scents. I have ADHD, and I've been working on fighting it less, but aknowlaging it more. So I will indulge many of my hyperfixations, for example to make a baby dragon puppet, but also acknowledge that the dopamine for this project might run out and I won't finish it, may ever, maybe later. And that's okay. I've been doing easy to make meals and paper plates (compostable to make me feel less guilty). I've also been spending more time reading paper books, going by to libraries and book stores-bueautiful quiet regulating places filled with books! I will buy myself little things that make me happy more often. Tea. Trying to make sure that I have healthish food that I actually like and will eat in the house. Stuff like that. :)