"If you are a parent, the most important work you can do right now is to raise kids who get to be themselves in the safety of your own home." Hey. Yeah. I can do that. In fact, I'm reminding myself that I've BEEN trying to do that the entire time I've been a parent. Thank you for that validation and hope. I feel like a failure a lot of the time, but I was talking with another neurodivergent mom of a neurodivergent child recently, and she reminded me that the most important thing is that *we* understand our kids, and *we* can stick up for our kids, and *we* can let them be themselves with us.
This is so perfectly captured and resonates deeply. I'm 56 and 5 years fully deconverted, identify as non-religious now. Indoctrinated from infancy, conservative evangelicalism--reformed Calvinist theology with a nice swirl of Gothard for extra terrorization. Early career I worked for a Southern Baptist televangelist and lived every bit of my life, including rearing my three now-adult children in the cult too. So many deep regrets for the harm I experienced and the harm I did, but I'm building a new future, though my biological family and most former friends have decided not to be a part of it. Thank you for who you are and what you do. Looking forward to journeying with this community, thank you!
Oh...the harm I did haunts me as a former pastor's wife whose ex went to Southern. DL, would love for you to address this sometime if you haven't. The guilt and shame around abusing your own children in service of the cult. I'm a licensed professional counselor now and am so grateful to be OUT of all of it but this piece still lingers.
I think modeling what it is like to re-assess your life, take accountability for it, and move on towards helping the world be a better place for the young is all incredibly important work! Finding healthy ways to process/move through the waves of shame and guilt is always important too. Sounds like you are already doing this, and I am cheering you on!
Oh man. I'm 60 and I feel you. I've been asked "how did you get out?" My dad wouldn't allow us to date until we went to Gothard. It's hard to untangle ourselves at our age. You have a lot of courage. I haven't untangled myself quite yet, but I'm working on it. It's hard being a PK
DL, thank you, as always. The other day, I read a Substack article from Liz Plank about the grief of not getting to live the life that was promised when we were younger. In some ways, I get it. But, truly, like you're writing here, I did not think I would make it this far. I never dreamed of a future, because things were always supposed to get shitty and be shitty, and that was good and right and holy. But now, I'm like, hell no. I did not break free of high control religion just to be terrified out of my freaking mind all over again and live in a constant state of flight. I want to enjoy my ice cream, dammit. I want to get coffee with people I like and walk to the flower shop and enjoy the full moon in all her splendorous glory. I don't want to feel guilty or conflicted over loving this gd world.
We do need a snappy slogan. My next crummy embroidery hoop is going to be "Make Class War, Not Culture War." Not super snappy, but I've seen versions of it. I also like the idea of embedding the Latin phrase you wrote in a crest of some sort.
“Listen, it’s just love and logic baby. It’s just like Jesus said: fuck around and find out (or maybe he said, you reap what you sow — but honestly potato potato). Let them experience the consequences of their actions.” I cackled. This is amazing.
I love this! The hope is something I’ve been looking for, and this article delivers.
We are parenting just as you suggest: by giving our kids autonomy and emotional awareness and helping them process the shitshow that is the country at the moment, letting them fully live their childhood while they can.
To prepare, along with passports, I am getting a tubal ligation in a couple weeks because with five kids, I’m done and want no accidental pregnancies in this climate.
Oh golly, that Love and Logic reference sent me! I worked as a parent educator for a while and that was one of the offerings.... the videos were from the nineties and just.... ugh
Omg, Reading this felt cathartic. It was so direct and blunt and it was a list (I LOVE A LIST!). It was serious but also silly in a way that didn’t diminish the intense seriousness of what we’re living through and what you’re writing about. My personal favorite quote: “Listen, it’s just love and logic baby. It’s just like Jesus said: fuck around and find out (or maybe he said, you reap what you sow — but honestly potato potato).” *chef’s kiss* Thank you for this article. I’m here to live and love and play and marvel and be joyful - not just to piss off the CN bc I’m done living for them - but for myself and my kids and the people in my life who are invested in doing the work together.👊🏻
This post was an exercise in unmasking . . . thinking of it as a zine really helps me break out of my old (Christian) writing habits. Here's to being playful and joyful in the midst of everything!
Love this post, but the reason I wanted to comment was to thank you for the links to Strongwilled.
I’m a bit hit and miss about coming and reading Substack posts, but I was browsing, read this article and followed the link. The post from Sept, ‘We are not talking about your parents, we are talking about you’ caught my eye and I’m so glad it was unlocked. I am right in the middle of unpacking, (with a therapist to reassure you) a mental box of things I had pushed away as too difficult to process and this article hits exactly where I am. ‘Those were different times’, ‘they were doing their best’ ‘he was brought up with a belt, a hand is far better’ ‘they are different people now’ are all things Ive said to put off processing it and have been asked the same question about how I felt and feel. My next session is tomorrow and the post not only encourages me, but widens the view of my childhood I’m beginning to see. Maybe I can start to have a little compassion for that child I was rather than blame myself. Thank you both.
I subscribe here, so can’t really pay there as well - but a joint sub would be good if it was possible. I think I might be reading more that is posted there - although the US experience is different to my UK one in some ways.
Yes I have been thinking about some ways to consolidate the DL Mayfield cinematic universe for people . . . stay tuned as I work out ways to bundle all the various projects together somehow
"If you are a parent, the most important work you can do right now is to raise kids who get to be themselves in the safety of your own home." Hey. Yeah. I can do that. In fact, I'm reminding myself that I've BEEN trying to do that the entire time I've been a parent. Thank you for that validation and hope. I feel like a failure a lot of the time, but I was talking with another neurodivergent mom of a neurodivergent child recently, and she reminded me that the most important thing is that *we* understand our kids, and *we* can stick up for our kids, and *we* can let them be themselves with us.
understanding, protecting, and celebrating our kids is SUCH important work and I am cheering you on!
Same to you <3 I love seeing how much you just *enjoy* the people your kids are.
This is so perfectly captured and resonates deeply. I'm 56 and 5 years fully deconverted, identify as non-religious now. Indoctrinated from infancy, conservative evangelicalism--reformed Calvinist theology with a nice swirl of Gothard for extra terrorization. Early career I worked for a Southern Baptist televangelist and lived every bit of my life, including rearing my three now-adult children in the cult too. So many deep regrets for the harm I experienced and the harm I did, but I'm building a new future, though my biological family and most former friends have decided not to be a part of it. Thank you for who you are and what you do. Looking forward to journeying with this community, thank you!
Right there with you! It's so nice to hang out with other people who have fully left, and there are a lot of us out here.
Oh...the harm I did haunts me as a former pastor's wife whose ex went to Southern. DL, would love for you to address this sometime if you haven't. The guilt and shame around abusing your own children in service of the cult. I'm a licensed professional counselor now and am so grateful to be OUT of all of it but this piece still lingers.
I think modeling what it is like to re-assess your life, take accountability for it, and move on towards helping the world be a better place for the young is all incredibly important work! Finding healthy ways to process/move through the waves of shame and guilt is always important too. Sounds like you are already doing this, and I am cheering you on!
Oh man. I'm 60 and I feel you. I've been asked "how did you get out?" My dad wouldn't allow us to date until we went to Gothard. It's hard to untangle ourselves at our age. You have a lot of courage. I haven't untangled myself quite yet, but I'm working on it. It's hard being a PK
DL, thank you, as always. The other day, I read a Substack article from Liz Plank about the grief of not getting to live the life that was promised when we were younger. In some ways, I get it. But, truly, like you're writing here, I did not think I would make it this far. I never dreamed of a future, because things were always supposed to get shitty and be shitty, and that was good and right and holy. But now, I'm like, hell no. I did not break free of high control religion just to be terrified out of my freaking mind all over again and live in a constant state of flight. I want to enjoy my ice cream, dammit. I want to get coffee with people I like and walk to the flower shop and enjoy the full moon in all her splendorous glory. I don't want to feel guilty or conflicted over loving this gd world.
We do need a snappy slogan. My next crummy embroidery hoop is going to be "Make Class War, Not Culture War." Not super snappy, but I've seen versions of it. I also like the idea of embedding the Latin phrase you wrote in a crest of some sort.
let's keep workshopping slogans!
Can I still eat the rich if I'm vegan?
I feel like “vegan, except when it comes to eating the rich” is a great rallying cry 😂
haha, perfecto!
“Listen, it’s just love and logic baby. It’s just like Jesus said: fuck around and find out (or maybe he said, you reap what you sow — but honestly potato potato). Let them experience the consequences of their actions.” I cackled. This is amazing.
I cackled while writing it :)
I love this! The hope is something I’ve been looking for, and this article delivers.
We are parenting just as you suggest: by giving our kids autonomy and emotional awareness and helping them process the shitshow that is the country at the moment, letting them fully live their childhood while they can.
To prepare, along with passports, I am getting a tubal ligation in a couple weeks because with five kids, I’m done and want no accidental pregnancies in this climate.
Oh golly, that Love and Logic reference sent me! I worked as a parent educator for a while and that was one of the offerings.... the videos were from the nineties and just.... ugh
ha ha I was hoping it would make someone giggle. Sometimes you gotta use their own words against them and have some fun with it, you know?
Omg, Reading this felt cathartic. It was so direct and blunt and it was a list (I LOVE A LIST!). It was serious but also silly in a way that didn’t diminish the intense seriousness of what we’re living through and what you’re writing about. My personal favorite quote: “Listen, it’s just love and logic baby. It’s just like Jesus said: fuck around and find out (or maybe he said, you reap what you sow — but honestly potato potato).” *chef’s kiss* Thank you for this article. I’m here to live and love and play and marvel and be joyful - not just to piss off the CN bc I’m done living for them - but for myself and my kids and the people in my life who are invested in doing the work together.👊🏻
This post was an exercise in unmasking . . . thinking of it as a zine really helps me break out of my old (Christian) writing habits. Here's to being playful and joyful in the midst of everything!
Love this post, but the reason I wanted to comment was to thank you for the links to Strongwilled.
I’m a bit hit and miss about coming and reading Substack posts, but I was browsing, read this article and followed the link. The post from Sept, ‘We are not talking about your parents, we are talking about you’ caught my eye and I’m so glad it was unlocked. I am right in the middle of unpacking, (with a therapist to reassure you) a mental box of things I had pushed away as too difficult to process and this article hits exactly where I am. ‘Those were different times’, ‘they were doing their best’ ‘he was brought up with a belt, a hand is far better’ ‘they are different people now’ are all things Ive said to put off processing it and have been asked the same question about how I felt and feel. My next session is tomorrow and the post not only encourages me, but widens the view of my childhood I’m beginning to see. Maybe I can start to have a little compassion for that child I was rather than blame myself. Thank you both.
I subscribe here, so can’t really pay there as well - but a joint sub would be good if it was possible. I think I might be reading more that is posted there - although the US experience is different to my UK one in some ways.
Yes I have been thinking about some ways to consolidate the DL Mayfield cinematic universe for people . . . stay tuned as I work out ways to bundle all the various projects together somehow
I'll buy the heck out of that zine.
Also I really want the "cult leader" button.
Moreso as a mug.
David you KNOW I will make you a mug
Damn, DL!!!! Nailed it. LOVE this. Thank you! I needed to read that.
So good as always. ❤️
Chills!!! Thanks DL. I really needed this.
Tyranny always falls! Hoorah!
It always does!!!!
This is so freaking good. Thank you.