Now finished the whole thing. It would be great to have a transcript of part 2 at some point: there's so much valuable stuff in that whole conversation.
Above all, it's challenged me to acknowledge that what I've hazily thought of as my "deconstruction"(while never really resonating with that word) has really been my *deconversion*. To acknowledge that I am *out*, and staying out.
The really key point there is when you talk about how you're not really even interested in Jesus now, and I realised how that's true for me, too: I just can't see any way to make a 1stC apocalyptic prophet who was casually crucified and whose body was eaten by dogs or thrown into a mass grave relevant to my life – and all the ways that Christians, and *especially* progressive Christians, find to do so seem to end up in some form of appropriation, supersessionism or outright antisemitism (see how the word "Pharisee" functions in a lot of progressive Christian discourse).
And when you don't believe in God and aren't even interested in Jesus – well, you're not a Christian anymore, are you?
Now I just need to work out how to reconcile that with my continuing special interests in the Bible, (classical) church music and church architecture…
I feel echoes of where I’m at in what you describe. I think in order to honor my inner traumatised self I need to acknowledge that I’m out; not just endlessly revising my terms of participation. But my inner processing keeps drawing on biblical metaphors, and the God I felt so near to at times I still feel guiding me outside the city gates, I just can no longer pray using masculine pronouns, or really pray at all; I just acknowledge presence. And inhaling into an open heartspace--being a feeling self--feels so much better than the Holy Spirit ever felt. I’m trying to honor all of this--not shut out the threads of continuity, but not flinching back from the de-conversion I need in order to heal.
This was so good! I was relating so much to both of you. It's so nice to get a couple of nuerodivergent people together to talk about this, there is flow in understanding eachother and not having to explain it.
The bit where you talked about thinking you weren't naive and vulnerable to exploitation, and then having to rethink that: whoa. I'm going to have to sit with that for a little while.
Now finished the whole thing. It would be great to have a transcript of part 2 at some point: there's so much valuable stuff in that whole conversation.
Above all, it's challenged me to acknowledge that what I've hazily thought of as my "deconstruction"(while never really resonating with that word) has really been my *deconversion*. To acknowledge that I am *out*, and staying out.
The really key point there is when you talk about how you're not really even interested in Jesus now, and I realised how that's true for me, too: I just can't see any way to make a 1stC apocalyptic prophet who was casually crucified and whose body was eaten by dogs or thrown into a mass grave relevant to my life – and all the ways that Christians, and *especially* progressive Christians, find to do so seem to end up in some form of appropriation, supersessionism or outright antisemitism (see how the word "Pharisee" functions in a lot of progressive Christian discourse).
And when you don't believe in God and aren't even interested in Jesus – well, you're not a Christian anymore, are you?
Now I just need to work out how to reconcile that with my continuing special interests in the Bible, (classical) church music and church architecture…
I feel echoes of where I’m at in what you describe. I think in order to honor my inner traumatised self I need to acknowledge that I’m out; not just endlessly revising my terms of participation. But my inner processing keeps drawing on biblical metaphors, and the God I felt so near to at times I still feel guiding me outside the city gates, I just can no longer pray using masculine pronouns, or really pray at all; I just acknowledge presence. And inhaling into an open heartspace--being a feeling self--feels so much better than the Holy Spirit ever felt. I’m trying to honor all of this--not shut out the threads of continuity, but not flinching back from the de-conversion I need in order to heal.
DL you are asking OCP autistic people like me to listen to one episode of another podcast out of order? 😩 😉
This was so good! I was relating so much to both of you. It's so nice to get a couple of nuerodivergent people together to talk about this, there is flow in understanding eachother and not having to explain it.
thank you for offering a transcript! very interesting conversation.
The bit where you talked about thinking you weren't naive and vulnerable to exploitation, and then having to rethink that: whoa. I'm going to have to sit with that for a little while.