I think this post just showed me even more ways where I battle perfectionism-which honestly is great! All 14 are things I do. I catch myself catastrophizing all the time. Recently learned how much I leaned into that as a way to keep me safe: ‘if I’m not constantly remembering the bad things that happened to me, I will fall prey to them again’.
A lot of what you write resonates with me. I just finished reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, which helped me understand my parents and authoritarianism a bit more. Now I can read this book to understand how being immersed in that environment has traumatized me and what I can do about it. I already practice not shoulding on myself and others, but it sounds like there’s a lot more.
Now to hit the post button without rereading and editing this post for an hour!
"Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present." This whole post was super relatable and practical, but this part hit me hard. I'll definitely be revisiting this post for reference!
Also just want to second the parts about how these are logical responses to what we have been externally taught. Inner critics are survival tools we can thank for how they kept us alive and then say goodbye to. I've found ACT to be far more helpful than CBT with this, personally. Instead of the thought-control of "don't think this!" I set my values and commit to living in them. Maybe I "should" be doing something, but according to whom, where did it come from, what values of mine does it serve, etc. Instead of "oh no, should/always/never is a Bad Word! I have to work harder at not thinking that word!" that my therapists early on got me to do. It just becomes another form of the "taking your thoughts captive" bullshit. But if I examine them in light of a value like authenticity, I see how they aren't serving that value and make different decisions about how I respond in that framework.
So I think for C-PTSD especially, dropping the shame and linear-seeming Thought Rules from a CBT lens and putting it more in a values-based lifestyle is really healthy, especially how these have a "things to do instead" component, not just a "stop that" directive. Like, replacing diet culture with nutrition. At least, that's how I think of it. Not a magic spell or anything, just more sustainable.
*warning: nerd alert*
Speaking of personal experiences that may vary, haha, it's interesting that you make that comment about the Enneagram being a personality "couldn't change it" thing because that's the total opposite of the point of the Enneagram. It's not a personality test that's static, like the MBTI. You're not supposed to stay in your type. It's pointing out the coping mechanisms we've relied on so we can integrate into all the numbers, holistically taking on their strengths.
I have been mistyped as a 1, but I'm a 3. The way it was described to me to tell the difference is that a 1 does things because it's the "right" way in their minds (aka their way) even if no one told them to or if no one is watching (including a higher power), but a 3 does things because they are externally motivated, whether by efficiency or a reward or avoiding shame. The anger/gut instinct group vs. the shame/heart group. The 1 inner critic tells them how to align with their own inner sense of rightness and perfection. The 3 inner critic, if you want to call it that, is simply external criticism we have learned and put into practice to succeed and win and achieve. When no one is looking and other people aren't involved, I don't have the inner critic, in the Enneagram sense. But it's all very reasonable and logically based on external criticism from actual feedback and experiences and cultural messaging, even if it conflicts with what I internally think or want. I do have the trauma part, though, that makes that critic show up in specific ways. Anyway, tl;dr, as I'm typing this, I'm theorizing if the trauma inner critic and the Enneagram inner critic are actually wildly different things? idk.
That said, the being unable to relate to it and using it as a masking tool as an autistic person with C-PTSD makes total sense. I'm just rambling thoughts after reading your thoughts. haha
Anxiety about world events: I think I can also find hope on the news-related front in Solutions Journalism. People covering stuff like what my company does to fix those big problems. Like yes, I am Very Depressed about the climate news, but I also know I'm working on software that other people can use to help solve it. They read the instructions I edit and they are creating big global and tiny hyperlocal changes. That helped during COVID too for a bit because we made the software ("dashboard") that most places were using to track cases, and I knew we were going to have an app ready to help city public health departments communicate how to get the vaccine as soon as it was available. So the "look to the helpers" can reduce some of that, from a STEM perspective. Or just living in a blue state where I know things I advocate for have a fighting chance and I'm more likely (though not always) going to have at least some elected officials doing a lot of good in the world or at least my city. And my church is too, in community with all the other affirming churches here, so there are glimpses of light even in the terrible headlines. And of course, the queer people and allies fighting for change. Just knowing people care and show up makes a huge difference.
Community can help normalize and empathize, too, so I hope if anyone read to the end of this terribly long comment they feel less alone or at least entertained. lol
I feel like I have always thought of myself as a perfectionist (I was told I was one as a child, that perfectionism was a character trait that some family members had, that I inherited, so it felt like part of my identity) but I'm just starting to realize how deep it goes.
I also tend to read and do a lot of research and take a long time learning about things. I remember feeling really scared at first to read self-help books because they seemed dangerous. But I still read them (from all kinds of perspectives) because I was looking for help! It became more and more clear to me, that the overall direction of what I was learning did seem to make sense and if applied, in many cases made life easier and better for me, but this didn't sit well with what I was being told at church, where failure was never acceptable, and I was encouraged to dwell on how bad I was, and all the help had to come via the church and Christ.
I had some exposure to Pete Walker's book a few months ago but it was in the form of an audiobook from the library. He helped clarify some things in my mind, but it also felt like something that would require much more time and energy to process than I had to give. I appreciate that you wrote on this topic and also how you wrote about it. This essay sums up a lot!
Lately I have gone more in the direction of learning more about how perfectionism infects entire cultures, and and trying to understand how that relates to or lives alongside the understanding of perfectionism as the result of personal trauma. Trying to understand what it means to be labelled as a perfectionist, and later realizing how much perfectionism (black-and-white thinking, judgment, shame, workaholism, etc.) dominates the world around me.
I also relate to all 14 inner critic attacks and it is lovely to see that some of them are things I have been combating organically. I still struggle with shoulds, negative focus and time urgency, but i have made so much progress in the last 5 years and I am going to celebrate that today.
I do have a hard time with the tension where my giving myself space and working on these things conflicts with the expectations of capitalism, but I think that will settle in time.
Exactly how I felt--some of these I have been working on and I'm proud, but it's SO nice to continue to find ways to eradicate the toxic shame I used to feel when these thought loops happened.
Wow this was a lot of stuff I will need to think about for a while. Thank you so much for sharing! I will be checking out Walker's website.
One thing, I think it's cool that planning vacations is one of your joy seeking things! Have you seen any of Wanderlust's travel videos on YouTube? I haven't watched many but they are high quality videos of different places. Like an hour long walking tour in the Louvre. And there are other museums, you can choose different landscapes to see, they're pretty fun if you need soothing but interesting visual distraction. Crafting, knitting in particular, is one of my main coping tools but it still leaves my mind free enough to spiral so sometimes I need something else to go with it. Like ASMR videos or these travel videos.
I identify with all of the inner critic attacks listed.
One that stuck with me after first reading his book a few years back was his line "No more home-made horror movies and disaster flicks." Up until that point I hadn't realized my brain was constantly doing that (and how harmful it's been to me). I would repeat "no more home-made horror movies" in my head any time I caught part of my mind dreaming up disturbing imagery of awful things that could or as my mind would see it in the moment, _would_ happen to a loved one or beloved pet, to get me to continue some over-thinking and anxiety over some problem in the world. It was kind of astonishing to learn that not everyone does that.
I started listening to "No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model" by Richard Schwartz a few days ago, and he talks about offering curiosity and kind attention to the inner critic rather than banishment and scorn. He says this can lead to that protector part eventually softening and transforming into performing a positive role that doesn't harm oneself (something I'd desperately like to experience). I think Walker's approach and this aren't incongruous- I think we have to push back on the critic's attack fiercely lest it overtake us and the automatic programming run its course, but at this point I'm trying to differentiate that part of me which is misguidedly continuing the persecution it thinks it needs to, to keep me safe, from the original things that caused it to twist in that way (and put the anger and blame on those rather than the critic part of me). But it's a staged process, and at least for me it's important to intentionally keep being kind to myself as I try with these better ways of being for myself, and not doing it perfectly.
Thank you for these thoughts! They really resonate with me. I think being told not to have ANY negative feelings about our thought loops is kinda weird, right? As a person who was forced into the fawn response as a child, harnessing anger at the negative and terrifying stories that have impacted me seems really necessary! But not a place to stay in. I also don’t think these two approaches are at odds, and you did such a good job of explaining why!
I agree... it's hard for the all-or-nothing thinking I'm prone to, to not also end up being the framework for how I judge progress on my journey. It's okay to have those negative feelings and to be in process. Thanks for the reminder!
This hit me so hard (as in I relate so much) that I am somewhat at a loss for words. For a while I did think I was a bit of an Enneagram 1 then I was a convinced Enneagram 6, but what if the 6 is just CPTSD catastrophisizing?! Mind blown. Going to try talking and fighting back to my inner critic.
all of the Inner Critic Attacks resonate with me. I remember reading his book recently and wrote down all of that same stuff to keep on the wall as a reminder! A few takeaways I highlighted are trying to remember are...
1- NO SHOULDING!
2- I will stop over focusing on what is wrong with me!
3- I do not need to be perfect to be loved!
4- I will not over apologize. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged as fear.
I relate to the enneagram thing too. I thought I was a 2 with a 1 wing because of my desire to help save everyone and be such a people pleaser and a have a harsh inner critic. it all makes sense now!
I really feel so encouraged reading your posts. So many years of wondering what is wrong with me and feeling like I can never be better. Hearing others talk about this helps me have hope.
I really have more hope than I have had in a long, long time. It's such a strange (and beautiful!) feeling after so many years of terrified survival mode.
I do a lot of antiracism facilitation and coaching, and I’m struck by how many attributes on your list are also characteristics of white supremacy culture (Tema Okun). Fascinating and salient.
The tough part is learning to live life without the inner critic, when it can feel like the inner critic is the only thing holding you together, keeping you going. I also can't imagine life without an inner critic? Like do people just go about their lives ok with themselves? What is that even like?
There's so much to absorb about Pete Walker's work. I bought his book a couple of years ago but have only read bits and pieces because it is so heavy. I appreciate you taking the time to break it down.
I love the idea of engaging the inner critic with our fight response; yelling NO! I actually wrote a poem about a similar idea recently:
I’m tired of defending myself
in my head from accusers
who have forgotten all about me
& that one offhand remark they made
among all the other offhand remarks
& society with its confusing expectations
& religion with its condemnation & salvation
from that condemnation
When here I am, now, autonomous
safe from the past
secure in a knowledge of myself
I no longer have to fight for.
But maybe the fight is clarifying
Maybe I need to hear myself say
again & again
the “no” that I could not say then.
I love this poem so much
YES
I think this post just showed me even more ways where I battle perfectionism-which honestly is great! All 14 are things I do. I catch myself catastrophizing all the time. Recently learned how much I leaned into that as a way to keep me safe: ‘if I’m not constantly remembering the bad things that happened to me, I will fall prey to them again’.
A lot of what you write resonates with me. I just finished reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, which helped me understand my parents and authoritarianism a bit more. Now I can read this book to understand how being immersed in that environment has traumatized me and what I can do about it. I already practice not shoulding on myself and others, but it sounds like there’s a lot more.
Now to hit the post button without rereading and editing this post for an hour!
I'm proud of you for talking back to your perfectionistic inner critic and commenting!!!!
Ha! Thank you for the acknowledgment and encouragement.
"Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present." This whole post was super relatable and practical, but this part hit me hard. I'll definitely be revisiting this post for reference!
Yes yes yes to grieving well, especially.
Also just want to second the parts about how these are logical responses to what we have been externally taught. Inner critics are survival tools we can thank for how they kept us alive and then say goodbye to. I've found ACT to be far more helpful than CBT with this, personally. Instead of the thought-control of "don't think this!" I set my values and commit to living in them. Maybe I "should" be doing something, but according to whom, where did it come from, what values of mine does it serve, etc. Instead of "oh no, should/always/never is a Bad Word! I have to work harder at not thinking that word!" that my therapists early on got me to do. It just becomes another form of the "taking your thoughts captive" bullshit. But if I examine them in light of a value like authenticity, I see how they aren't serving that value and make different decisions about how I respond in that framework.
So I think for C-PTSD especially, dropping the shame and linear-seeming Thought Rules from a CBT lens and putting it more in a values-based lifestyle is really healthy, especially how these have a "things to do instead" component, not just a "stop that" directive. Like, replacing diet culture with nutrition. At least, that's how I think of it. Not a magic spell or anything, just more sustainable.
*warning: nerd alert*
Speaking of personal experiences that may vary, haha, it's interesting that you make that comment about the Enneagram being a personality "couldn't change it" thing because that's the total opposite of the point of the Enneagram. It's not a personality test that's static, like the MBTI. You're not supposed to stay in your type. It's pointing out the coping mechanisms we've relied on so we can integrate into all the numbers, holistically taking on their strengths.
I have been mistyped as a 1, but I'm a 3. The way it was described to me to tell the difference is that a 1 does things because it's the "right" way in their minds (aka their way) even if no one told them to or if no one is watching (including a higher power), but a 3 does things because they are externally motivated, whether by efficiency or a reward or avoiding shame. The anger/gut instinct group vs. the shame/heart group. The 1 inner critic tells them how to align with their own inner sense of rightness and perfection. The 3 inner critic, if you want to call it that, is simply external criticism we have learned and put into practice to succeed and win and achieve. When no one is looking and other people aren't involved, I don't have the inner critic, in the Enneagram sense. But it's all very reasonable and logically based on external criticism from actual feedback and experiences and cultural messaging, even if it conflicts with what I internally think or want. I do have the trauma part, though, that makes that critic show up in specific ways. Anyway, tl;dr, as I'm typing this, I'm theorizing if the trauma inner critic and the Enneagram inner critic are actually wildly different things? idk.
That said, the being unable to relate to it and using it as a masking tool as an autistic person with C-PTSD makes total sense. I'm just rambling thoughts after reading your thoughts. haha
Anxiety about world events: I think I can also find hope on the news-related front in Solutions Journalism. People covering stuff like what my company does to fix those big problems. Like yes, I am Very Depressed about the climate news, but I also know I'm working on software that other people can use to help solve it. They read the instructions I edit and they are creating big global and tiny hyperlocal changes. That helped during COVID too for a bit because we made the software ("dashboard") that most places were using to track cases, and I knew we were going to have an app ready to help city public health departments communicate how to get the vaccine as soon as it was available. So the "look to the helpers" can reduce some of that, from a STEM perspective. Or just living in a blue state where I know things I advocate for have a fighting chance and I'm more likely (though not always) going to have at least some elected officials doing a lot of good in the world or at least my city. And my church is too, in community with all the other affirming churches here, so there are glimpses of light even in the terrible headlines. And of course, the queer people and allies fighting for change. Just knowing people care and show up makes a huge difference.
Community can help normalize and empathize, too, so I hope if anyone read to the end of this terribly long comment they feel less alone or at least entertained. lol
Okay that's all from me, goodnight.
I feel like I have always thought of myself as a perfectionist (I was told I was one as a child, that perfectionism was a character trait that some family members had, that I inherited, so it felt like part of my identity) but I'm just starting to realize how deep it goes.
I also tend to read and do a lot of research and take a long time learning about things. I remember feeling really scared at first to read self-help books because they seemed dangerous. But I still read them (from all kinds of perspectives) because I was looking for help! It became more and more clear to me, that the overall direction of what I was learning did seem to make sense and if applied, in many cases made life easier and better for me, but this didn't sit well with what I was being told at church, where failure was never acceptable, and I was encouraged to dwell on how bad I was, and all the help had to come via the church and Christ.
I had some exposure to Pete Walker's book a few months ago but it was in the form of an audiobook from the library. He helped clarify some things in my mind, but it also felt like something that would require much more time and energy to process than I had to give. I appreciate that you wrote on this topic and also how you wrote about it. This essay sums up a lot!
Lately I have gone more in the direction of learning more about how perfectionism infects entire cultures, and and trying to understand how that relates to or lives alongside the understanding of perfectionism as the result of personal trauma. Trying to understand what it means to be labelled as a perfectionist, and later realizing how much perfectionism (black-and-white thinking, judgment, shame, workaholism, etc.) dominates the world around me.
I also relate to all 14 inner critic attacks and it is lovely to see that some of them are things I have been combating organically. I still struggle with shoulds, negative focus and time urgency, but i have made so much progress in the last 5 years and I am going to celebrate that today.
I do have a hard time with the tension where my giving myself space and working on these things conflicts with the expectations of capitalism, but I think that will settle in time.
Exactly how I felt--some of these I have been working on and I'm proud, but it's SO nice to continue to find ways to eradicate the toxic shame I used to feel when these thought loops happened.
Wow this was a lot of stuff I will need to think about for a while. Thank you so much for sharing! I will be checking out Walker's website.
One thing, I think it's cool that planning vacations is one of your joy seeking things! Have you seen any of Wanderlust's travel videos on YouTube? I haven't watched many but they are high quality videos of different places. Like an hour long walking tour in the Louvre. And there are other museums, you can choose different landscapes to see, they're pretty fun if you need soothing but interesting visual distraction. Crafting, knitting in particular, is one of my main coping tools but it still leaves my mind free enough to spiral so sometimes I need something else to go with it. Like ASMR videos or these travel videos.
thank you for that suggestion of Wanderlust videos! I am going to check those out!
yes I am very excited to watch those videos now! Thanks for the rec :)
I identify with all of the inner critic attacks listed.
One that stuck with me after first reading his book a few years back was his line "No more home-made horror movies and disaster flicks." Up until that point I hadn't realized my brain was constantly doing that (and how harmful it's been to me). I would repeat "no more home-made horror movies" in my head any time I caught part of my mind dreaming up disturbing imagery of awful things that could or as my mind would see it in the moment, _would_ happen to a loved one or beloved pet, to get me to continue some over-thinking and anxiety over some problem in the world. It was kind of astonishing to learn that not everyone does that.
I started listening to "No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model" by Richard Schwartz a few days ago, and he talks about offering curiosity and kind attention to the inner critic rather than banishment and scorn. He says this can lead to that protector part eventually softening and transforming into performing a positive role that doesn't harm oneself (something I'd desperately like to experience). I think Walker's approach and this aren't incongruous- I think we have to push back on the critic's attack fiercely lest it overtake us and the automatic programming run its course, but at this point I'm trying to differentiate that part of me which is misguidedly continuing the persecution it thinks it needs to, to keep me safe, from the original things that caused it to twist in that way (and put the anger and blame on those rather than the critic part of me). But it's a staged process, and at least for me it's important to intentionally keep being kind to myself as I try with these better ways of being for myself, and not doing it perfectly.
Thank you for these thoughts! They really resonate with me. I think being told not to have ANY negative feelings about our thought loops is kinda weird, right? As a person who was forced into the fawn response as a child, harnessing anger at the negative and terrifying stories that have impacted me seems really necessary! But not a place to stay in. I also don’t think these two approaches are at odds, and you did such a good job of explaining why!
I agree... it's hard for the all-or-nothing thinking I'm prone to, to not also end up being the framework for how I judge progress on my journey. It's okay to have those negative feelings and to be in process. Thanks for the reminder!
This hit me so hard (as in I relate so much) that I am somewhat at a loss for words. For a while I did think I was a bit of an Enneagram 1 then I was a convinced Enneagram 6, but what if the 6 is just CPTSD catastrophisizing?! Mind blown. Going to try talking and fighting back to my inner critic.
Your writing has clarified so much for me over the last several months. I am finding healing because you are ahead of me on the path. Thank you!
all of the Inner Critic Attacks resonate with me. I remember reading his book recently and wrote down all of that same stuff to keep on the wall as a reminder! A few takeaways I highlighted are trying to remember are...
1- NO SHOULDING!
2- I will stop over focusing on what is wrong with me!
3- I do not need to be perfect to be loved!
4- I will not over apologize. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged as fear.
I relate to the enneagram thing too. I thought I was a 2 with a 1 wing because of my desire to help save everyone and be such a people pleaser and a have a harsh inner critic. it all makes sense now!
I really feel so encouraged reading your posts. So many years of wondering what is wrong with me and feeling like I can never be better. Hearing others talk about this helps me have hope.
I really have more hope than I have had in a long, long time. It's such a strange (and beautiful!) feeling after so many years of terrified survival mode.
Fellow Enneagram One here. I feel you.
I do a lot of antiracism facilitation and coaching, and I’m struck by how many attributes on your list are also characteristics of white supremacy culture (Tema Okun). Fascinating and salient.
The tough part is learning to live life without the inner critic, when it can feel like the inner critic is the only thing holding you together, keeping you going. I also can't imagine life without an inner critic? Like do people just go about their lives ok with themselves? What is that even like?
There's so much to absorb about Pete Walker's work. I bought his book a couple of years ago but have only read bits and pieces because it is so heavy. I appreciate you taking the time to break it down.