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a recap of my religious trauma art experience (with tons of pictures!)

Welcome to Healing is My Special Interest, the newsletter at the intersection of late-diagnosed neurodivergence and healing from high control environments. Today’s newsletter is a recap of the religious trauma art experience I put on last week (Palm Sunday!). Enjoy the pictures, and let me know what parts resonated! As always, this newsletter is reader-supported. Thanks for being here, and continuing to give me the courage to be creative — even (especially?) in the very worst of times.

Sometimes being autistic really sucks. Sometimes being an autistic nonbinary exvangelical with tons of religious trauma and a special interest in Dr. James Dobson and the rise of Christian fascism really, REALLY sucks.

If you have followed my writing or public life for a hot minute, you probably already know this about me — but I struggle with my mental health sometimes¹. Since early 2023 I have been in the throes of working on a multi-media book project called STRONGWILLED centered on religious authoritarian parenting methods and helping survivors develop autonomy and gain solidarity. I started publishing STRONGWILLED (which I co-author with my partner, Krispin) in April of 2024. Like any good little exvangelical, there was a tinge of panic to our work. I had to share the “good” news of what I was discovering. I needed to “save” America from voting in a wretchedly blatant authoritarian President FOR THE SECOND TIME. I needed to point out the patterns I was seeing and convince everyone to change before it was TOO LATE.

And then it happened. Trump was elected a second time. My mother texted me the next day telling me to calm down — we all survived his first presidency, didn’t we? What could be worse this time around? I looked around my office, my writing room, and I wanted to scream and scream and scream. Everywhere I looked I was surrounded by evangelical artifacts I had been collecting and reading and researching and underlining. I was like a deranged magpie, building a nest of arguments to show how awful the white supremacist patriarchal movement known as white evangelicalism really was. I was sucked back into the world of trying to convince people — mostly my parents — that I was right and needed to be listened to. And once again, it hadn’t worked. I was devastated, and so, so tired.

I deleted most of my social media apps and plunged deeper into myself. In the quiet, in the aftermath, my body was speaking to me. There was relief in the band-aid being ripped off. I had tried my hardest, I had done my best. I had used all the tools I was given : my intellect, my pattern-recognition, my deep desire for balance and justice, to try and make a difference. And now I wanted to do something else:

I wanted to let the other half of my brain play.

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The truth about me is that I am both very intense and I am also very silly. Processing the pain of religious indoctrination in childhood unlocked both of these elements of my personality in new and deeper ways. I was surprised, at first. Why was the silliness pouring out of me side by side with my horror at the state of the world? I didn’t have any answers, I just knew it was happening. I started talking back to the artifacts I had accrued. I started ripping pages out of books. I started adding labels to Christian artwork. I started messing around with glue and construction paper and felt. I started playing with propaganda. I started giggling. I kept fuming. I stomped and I pasted and I fired up my cricut machine and I screamed and I laughed. I realized I wanted to put on the weirdest little art exhibition ever — one that I personally would love to attend.

So I asked my friend if I could use his coffee shop as a space and he said yes! I booked a time, made an event flier, and started planning in earnest. I have always joked about wanting to do a hellhouse called “The Good News Church” that was just people walking through various parts of an evangelical megachurch service². This would be sort of like that, but with a twist.

I made zines that outlined the flow of my exhibit, and put up an artist statement that basically told people to prepare for some emotions, and let my freak flag fly. It was a lot of work for a three hour event, but I am so glad I did it. Today, I wanted to walk you through the show itself, because why not?

First of all, I started off by creating the pastor’s office/study in the upstairs nook of the coffee ship. As people went upstairs they entered a time machine back to the last place they ever wanted to go. They were greeted by Thomas Kinkade³ (naturally), and nine of the worst baddies I have had the displeasure of reading in the past year or so.

Ugh I hate all of these books so, so much. The Late Great Planet Earth ruined my mom’s mental health. Turmoil in the Toybox *might* be the reason you weren’t allowed to play with Barbies, watch the Smurfs, or basically have any fun as a kid in the 1990s. So many of the books about raising little girls have incredibly creepy undertones. Yuck yuck yuck (was this entire exhibit partly about my rage at the Christian publishing industry and how little accountability they have ever taken on the lives they have negatively impacted?!?!? Maybe!)

I wanted people to peruse the books, tracts, newspapers, Bible covers and more. The pastor’s study was filled with books about disciplining kids and why women need to submit to their husbands (because God and James Dobson SAY SO).

As you perused the study you could hear the rancid voice of Rush Limbaugh softly screaming about liberals in the background. Just like you remember from those long, boring family road trips.

Then, it was time to go downstairs into CHILDREN’S CHURCH. Where the Sunday School lesson is always the same: children, obey God and obey your parents. Or else!

(Legacy coffee has a great little kids play area and it nicely worked for the Children’s Church).

I had collected all of these Christian books and signs and coloring materials from a variety of local thrift stores. I found them so deeply sad. Kids need strong and secure connections to their caregivers and to themselves! Not to be told they are full of sin unless they submit to God/their parents/the Bible (and there is no end date for when they should stop submitting to authority).

There were so many things to touch in this section — it was impossible to take pictures of them all. But there were artifacts from AWANA, Adventures in Odyssey, the Jesus Storybook Bible, Precious Moments artwork — plus a few original paintings by Krispin (who was trying to witness to his third grade public school class with this masterpiece:)

I also snuck in my little felt panopticon art piece into the kid’s section because it just felt right (you KNOW I am obsessed with the idea of the panopticon, right?)

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After children’s church came the YOUTH GROUP nook! This is where all the indoctrinated children were encouraged to become ON FIRE FOR GOD TEENAGERS!!! We had purity culture, we had teen magazines, we had Christian CDs, Worldview Academy notebooks, and so much more!

Here is the Teen Martyr section. Remember when evangelical Christians capitalized on the deaths of teenagers at Columbine and encouraged youth to die for Jesus instead of, you know, advocating for gun safety laws? BECAUSE I SURE DO (notice all the Jesus Freaks books on the table as well?)

I made a time capsule to my own years spent in the trenches of Evangelical Youth Culture. If you recognize anything in this box then you need to be in therapy, sorry.

Then we had even more books and magazines and CDs to touch and feel and interact with:

(I put some of my own touches in here and there — like how the cover of the teen study bible was ripped off, and how I sawed the Youth Devotional Bible in two and surrounded it with WWJD bracelets that I added a little F to at the beginning). People REALLY liked ripping up all the books with purity culture messages . . .

Plus there a weird white supremacist Jesus with a tattoo of a cross on him.

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After the pastor’s study, children’s church, and the youth group nook, I put together a section of three altars. This was a place where people could start to process / interact with some of the themes I was teasing out in the other sections. There was a table with electric votive candles, notecards, pens, and fake flowers so people could leave messages and mementos at whatever altar they chose (or all three!).

The first altar was to all the black sheep. In my zine / church bulletin I wrote:

“This altar is to everyone who lost care, community, and love simply by being true to who they were. For all the black sheep in society and in families, we salute you.”

The second altar was to Comrade Siggie. Here’s what I wrote:

“This altar is a tribute to Dr. James Dobson’s dog who he writes about beating at the beginning of his best-selling book ‘The Strong-Willed Child”. For everyone whose wills were crushed in childhood thanks to religious authoritarian parenting practices, we honor comrade Siggie and ask that he help us continue to get in touch with our inner strong-willed self.” I typed out the section of the intro to The Strong-Willed Child where Dobson writes about beating Siggie into compliance with a belt⁴. This is definitely the place where I saw the most people break down into tears. A lot of people felt so much compassion for this little dog, and then realized that the same thing happened to them when they were small and defenseless too.

And lastly, I made an altar to my younger self, and to all queer/trans/non-binary/gender-fluid youth. I wrote:

“This altar is dedicated to my younger self -- always non-binary, but always in the closet. It is also for every queer/trans youth who has had to fight tooth and nail to show up in the world as their true self.”

By the end of the event the altars were covered with messages and flowers and candles and it was a profound visual representation of all the pain and humanness we were celebrating and honoring.

(for some reason I forgot to take a pic of the altar to black sheep at the end of the event, but it also had so many amazing messages and responses).

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After the altar section there was a wall and a few tables dedicated to some response art I made. Some of my personal favorites were:

Creepy Precious Moments zombie children surrounded by the ever-present spanking spoons.

This was a cross-stitch that hung up in my childhood bedroom. I would often look at it and pretend I lived in this calm and beautiful house instead of my own home where I was being terrorized about the end of the world constantly. I added my own little message in the rainbow.

A few years ago my high school best friend gave me this shirt — that I had designed at the tender age of 16! So I guess I HAVE been making weird and intense exvangelical shirts for decades now. What makes it even more hilarious is at the time I was in high school in Sisters, Oregon, my mom worked at Multnomah Publishing and even helped edit some shitty Jabez devotional books.

This sign made people laugh and then cry:

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I also had some weird little bits and bobs that are hard to share visually — I had pill bottles and little tracts for children and jewelry cases where you could open things and find hidden messages and little surprises . . . I just really like making tactile art it turns out!

peep the Christian fascist nuggie

I wanted folks to experience what it felt like to “talk back” to Christianese and Christian artifacts, which is something I have naturally been doing for quite a while . . . and perhaps even did in childhood and adolescence (even though I wasn’t “allowed” to). Helping people connect to the reality that there were always parts of them that felt so unseen and so unheard within a high control religious environment is really important to me, so I tried to create those conditions as best as I could.

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After this section there were a few amazing art pieces that my friend Jenny put together. First, she created grounding spells with salt (and instructions on how to use it) and then used an old communion server to display them. It was SO cool.

Then she created a “tithe” box where we could “give back” some of what we were given as children, young adults, and vulnerable people.

It was a great piece of responsive art where people could exercise their agency and autonomy and choose to do a somatic exercise (or not!).

Then there was the merch table (I made tons of weird buttons and sweatshirts and keychains, which I will share at another time).

And lastly, in the far corner of the coffee shop we turned the back bar into a collage / response station.

I had been collecting Christian coloring books and ripped out some of the pages (that had been colored in by children) and put them on the wall. We had paper, magazines, glue, scissors, and markers and encouraged folks to do whatever they wanted in response to what they had seen. Some folks ripped up books and a lot of people colored in the coloring books and added their pictures to the collection on the wall. By the end of the event, we had this incredibly collaborative gallery wall that was very funny and very queer! I loved it so much.

caption...

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So how did it go?

My friends showed up and exorcised those demons of setting up and tearing down an evangelical church by doing the same thing for me :) It was really hard for me to ask for help but my friends were incredible and knocked it out of the park. They are so thoughtful and artistic and creative and funny that it boosted my spirits the entire time. Krispin was running around being in charge of our kids and also helping me stay hydrated and fed and generally just being a champion. My kids thought it was cool and weird that their mom had a weird religious trauma art show. We got to meet so many cool folks, including podcast listeners and readers who travelled pretty long distances to get there! It was all so overwhelming, but in a good way for once.

During the show, I was pretty tired but I was also shook at how good the vibes were. I didn’t know what to expect or how people would react to this very weird exhibit I had set up — the mood was slightly somber, but there was some laughter, tears, and creativity flowing as well. As an autistic person in the US, I have been highly aware of how bad the vibes are out and about in America right now. But, at the risk of sounding woo-woo, at this event everyone’s energy was so on point. I could relax and I could be my full weird self. And not only that — I felt like every cool queer person with religious trauma in my neck of the woods came out for this event⁵! So of course it felt great :)

There was a steady stream of people for 3 hours and it never felt too crowded and it never felt too empty. I honestly can’t imagine it going any better than it did. It was really special for me to be able to host this gathering and for it to happen in my neighborhood. I got to wave my little freak flag and create a communal space for processing, grief, and creativity. I got to be a prankster in a time of doom and gloom⁶. I got to create a space where exvangelicals could be surrounded by artifacts of their upbringing and remind themselves that it did happen — but that we can talk back to the indoctrination now. We are allowed to have whatever feelings we have and express them however we want.

Times are tough and there are still authoritarians out here policing how we express our emotions, values, gender, and sexuality. But they will never, ever be able to take away our capacity for creativity, community, and connection to our true selves. I’m so grateful I got to do this event and let my brain play a little bit with all of these horrific materials I have been marinating in. As I gear up to keep working on my STRONGWILLED project I am doing so with a little bit of pep in my step. Because there are so many other weirdos out there in the world like me, and I will never be alone again.

Our purpose in life was never to obey authority. It always was, and always will be, just to be our silly, intense, complex human selves :) I am so tender about all of us as children and everything we had to go through. We deserved so much better — as do all the children of the world

So let’s keep creating, and feeling our feelings, and finding out way to each other.

Do you have any creative projects you are dreaming of? Any long-term projects or events or gatherings you have been longing to see happen? What is something you can do or help others implement in your community or online?

1. Uhhhhhhh how could I not “struggle” with my mental health rn?!?!? But all things considered I am so glad to be where I am — much more aware of my issues and struggles — and fighting hard every day to connect to my true self and love those around me. Including the earth!

2. If you live in the Portland area and want to run a hellhouse like this just let me know and I will help you!!!! I mean honestly if you want to do anything weird and experiential and local I might be able to help you :)

3. We can’t get into it here, but if you know the history of Thomas Kinkade — both his personal issues and his mass-production “positive” art grift, it becomes ever more clear why white evangelicals were obsessed with his work. The illusion of light and goodness, without having to do any of the work.

4. If you want to read Dobson talking about beating his tiny dog and how it relates to his excellent advice on eradicating the wills of children, you can do that here.

5. I was not surprised by all the visibly queer and trans folks who came to my art show, because if there is one group that has been FORCED to reckon with the impacts of the religious indoctrination of children in the United States, it is the queers! What a courageous, creative, inspiring group of people. And — it is NEVER too late to come out as queer and there is room for everyone :)

6. After my art show, I read the (short) book Prankster Vs. Autocrats by Srjda Popovic and Sophia A. McClennen. It gave me a lot to think about and I would love to discuss it in this community! It is free to download to everyone right now and it only took me about 30 minutes to read. Look out for a discussion post about this book soon!