With a dog surrounded by books sounds amazing to me! I’m so with you on the over-emphasis and over-idealization of the nuclear family. It was a concept that made me miserable for a very long time, believing that I couldn’t obtain the only thing that would make me happy. When I shifted my focus from romantic love and the church to autonomy and community, everything changed. Thanks so much for sharing your story!
When I got married (after I had deconstructed), I was genuinely surprised that nothing about our relationship changed. "Relating" vs. "relationship" is such a good way to describe it. Really enjoyed reading this!
I've been divorced/single/not dating for almost five years now after 22 years of marriage. Might still be in a largely unhappy/incompatible relationship if he hadn't cheated and left. I wrote a couple marriage books back in the day like the ones you're describing. UGH. Sitting on my couch right now with my cat cuddled up next to me, and we're both perfectly happy. ZERO plans for another relationship in the near future. Maybe never. Thanks for sharing your story.
All this to say, thank you very much for writing about this topic, Lexi. It’s a very intelligent exposé on the relationship mind of the evangelical church.
This was so relatable. Learning to feel your feelings instead of fix them. Learning to make decisions one by one instead of following a blueprint. Sigh. Some days, I doubt myself - maybe evangelicalism isn’t that bad? And then I remember all the ways it stunted my growth (and many other children) and kept me stuck, not learning the skills necessary to be a healthy adult in the world.
Thankfully, my still Christian husband and I survived my deconstruction. He thinks the church sucks so much and has managed to hold onto his faith that isn’t attached to the church. As an Autistic, I couldn’t do it - I couldn’t find anything worth saving in religion. But we share the same values of justice and compassion and empathy and doing good in the world. Once we let go of the formula for how marriage was supposed to be, and the patriarchal bullshit, we endured and love each other deeply.
I love the way you've explored the concept of relating here. The idea of a flashy relationship that people can interrogate you about at random (whether it's with God or romantically) is still something that boggles my mind, as is the de-centering of friendship inside of most churches.
The church teaches you to admire and blindly trust others because you have yielded to “leaders” such intimate parts of your psyche. Relationship is a golden calf. In our late twenties, my husband and I did 6 weeks of pre-marital counseling for another couple a few years younger than us. We were simultaneously and secretly being steamrolled by my post-Partum OCD and anxiety; the shame and fear isolated us from what should have been “life-giving” relationships in the church.
I was primed starting in middle school to wait for “the one” who would inevitably show himself as God’s will for my life by asking me out for a symbolic coffee date at some point past high school (bc dating in high school distracted you from your relationship with God). My senior year, I hid that I was dating my boyfriend from my small group leader, but eventually felt so much guilt and separation from God (heard demonic whispers of damnation) that I confessed to her. She made me confess again in front of her elite leadership small group at a coffee shop on a Sunday morning and I was made to step down from that group. Then we went to Sunday service together. Yay.
The marriage counseling/biblical counseling grift is so real! And all of it is designed to keep people in hierarchical, patriarchal relationships 💔
With a dog surrounded by books sounds amazing to me! I’m so with you on the over-emphasis and over-idealization of the nuclear family. It was a concept that made me miserable for a very long time, believing that I couldn’t obtain the only thing that would make me happy. When I shifted my focus from romantic love and the church to autonomy and community, everything changed. Thanks so much for sharing your story!
When I got married (after I had deconstructed), I was genuinely surprised that nothing about our relationship changed. "Relating" vs. "relationship" is such a good way to describe it. Really enjoyed reading this!
Aww, I appreciate that so much - thanks! Those structures are just so damn resilient!
I've been divorced/single/not dating for almost five years now after 22 years of marriage. Might still be in a largely unhappy/incompatible relationship if he hadn't cheated and left. I wrote a couple marriage books back in the day like the ones you're describing. UGH. Sitting on my couch right now with my cat cuddled up next to me, and we're both perfectly happy. ZERO plans for another relationship in the near future. Maybe never. Thanks for sharing your story.
Aww cheers, Marla. You and your cat sound like you’re living a wonderful life❤️
I will forever have this as a beautiful new framework thanks to you, Lexi!! Thank you!
Ohhhh wow, thank you, Mel ❤️
All this to say, thank you very much for writing about this topic, Lexi. It’s a very intelligent exposé on the relationship mind of the evangelical church.
Aww thanks, Wendy. I’m so glad it resonated ❤️
This was so relatable. Learning to feel your feelings instead of fix them. Learning to make decisions one by one instead of following a blueprint. Sigh. Some days, I doubt myself - maybe evangelicalism isn’t that bad? And then I remember all the ways it stunted my growth (and many other children) and kept me stuck, not learning the skills necessary to be a healthy adult in the world.
Thankfully, my still Christian husband and I survived my deconstruction. He thinks the church sucks so much and has managed to hold onto his faith that isn’t attached to the church. As an Autistic, I couldn’t do it - I couldn’t find anything worth saving in religion. But we share the same values of justice and compassion and empathy and doing good in the world. Once we let go of the formula for how marriage was supposed to be, and the patriarchal bullshit, we endured and love each other deeply.
That’s amazing, June! You both sound like two very special people ☺️
I love the way you've explored the concept of relating here. The idea of a flashy relationship that people can interrogate you about at random (whether it's with God or romantically) is still something that boggles my mind, as is the de-centering of friendship inside of most churches.
💯 It felt so normal at the time but it’s so fucking weird!!! Thanks, Katherine ❤️
The church teaches you to admire and blindly trust others because you have yielded to “leaders” such intimate parts of your psyche. Relationship is a golden calf. In our late twenties, my husband and I did 6 weeks of pre-marital counseling for another couple a few years younger than us. We were simultaneously and secretly being steamrolled by my post-Partum OCD and anxiety; the shame and fear isolated us from what should have been “life-giving” relationships in the church.
I was primed starting in middle school to wait for “the one” who would inevitably show himself as God’s will for my life by asking me out for a symbolic coffee date at some point past high school (bc dating in high school distracted you from your relationship with God). My senior year, I hid that I was dating my boyfriend from my small group leader, but eventually felt so much guilt and separation from God (heard demonic whispers of damnation) that I confessed to her. She made me confess again in front of her elite leadership small group at a coffee shop on a Sunday morning and I was made to step down from that group. Then we went to Sunday service together. Yay.
Yikes! I am so sorry, Wendy 😞