Honoring my inner theater kid

on growing up and learning to live a little

me, in my element

One goal I have for 2024 is to be more creative. And to be more specific—theatrical. 

I was homeschooled my entire life until I was a junior in highschool, at which point I attended a small public school in central Oregon. I joined one of the plays (I was a pallbearer in Antigone) and I was hooked. For two glorious years I got to be in plays in a supportive community before I left to start my life as a servant of god/missionary (blerg). I put aside my inner theater kid and embarked on a few decades of living an incredibly stressful life as a christian do-gooder in a variety of low-income housing projects. I eventually got my degree in Bible/theology and my master’s in teaching English to speakers of other languages. I got all of these degrees because the Christian adults in my life told me I should—and because I believed it was what god wanted me to do. There was never any consideration of what *I* wanted, because I was trained to believe that this didn’t matter at all.

Fast forward to being 40 and realizing not only did I get a crackpot degree in modern white supremacist readings of the Bible and theology from a fundamentalist college, I also do not enjoy teaching ESOL at all. I think it is a great profession and I don’t regret my decades of teaching free community ESOL classes to women (many of whom are not able to attend regular English classes due to lack of childcare) but it was a LOT of work and it really stressed out my nervous system. When I look at the bins of English materials I have stacked in my shed I simply cannot imagine going back to running a volunteer-run community ESOL program, much less teaching a single class¹. 

I highly doubt I am the only person who was raised in a high control religion who now regrets their educational and career choices—in fact, that seems pretty par for the course for a lot of folks. 

As I hit the milestone of turning 40, instead of being filled with regret at my past I have found a lot more energy in being curious about the present. While I sometimes can feel the pull to categorize my younger self as simply a fundamentalist, the truth is that I always had a lot of complex desires, needs, and interests in my life (even if I was hell-bent on ignoring them). While following Jesus/god was my main special interest, it wasn’t the only one. I am grateful to have people in my life who have known me for decades who have helped me remember this. I have always been drawn to reading widely, making weird art, crafting terribly, throwing oddly specific parties, and loving plays and musicals. 

I keep thinking about the inner theater kid I have, and how far away they feel from me these days. But they are still there! So I have been daydreaming about how to let my little theater freak flag fly in 2024, starting with throwing myself an Over the Hill birthday party.

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