My mom always talked about how I was the most rebellious preschooler she had ever encountered. Ages 2-5 every thing she told me to do I said no to. Every single time she tried to draw a line I would cross it. I had tantrums daily, sometimes becoming so angry I would lose my capacity to inhale and pass out. Then, at age five, after my bath I told her I wanted to become a Christian. I wanted to say the prayer. Not tomorrow, I insisted, now. And after that I was her most compliant, obedient child, never so much as uttering a complaint. It was her miracle story. And while I took it at face value growing up, it always felt so bleak. “I still feel all the feelings that make me bad,” I remember thinking, while I resolved to be as quiet as possible, because that is what made me good.
I have no memories of those years. By my late thirties I had been searching my past for some unremembered trauma. Something about the way all the block towers I had carefully assembled throughout adulthood were knocked over and scattered felt connected to those unremembered early childhood years. But you can’t remember what you can’t remember.
Then, in my gathering bits of autism data to piece together a new understanding of myself, I came across the term “pathological demand avoidance.” And the description that introduced PDA to me sounded notes of recognition in my body: “you tell a kid to put on their shoes and they refuse. Not because they won’t, but because they can’t. Their nervous system forms a threat response to your demand.”
My body remembered the lived experience my cognitive brain couldn’t access, and my trauma was named entirely by the miracle story my mom always told. I was having panic attacks multiple times a day and punished for them, for years, until at the age of five I found the inner resources to pursue a sense of safety through secure attachment. I called this “becoming a christian” and it was a decision to flawlessly internalise my nervous system response within a compliant body.
I’m honestly super impressed with my 5-year-old self for planning and executing a strategy that perfectly fit inside my parents worldview--like that’s some serious social analysis. But of course, 40-year-old me requires very different strategies to heal--strategies that the trigger existential terror of unmasking my bad, I attachable self. But I’m confident that that smart, sensitive, resourceful five-year-old grew into a smart, sensitive, resourceful 40-year-old who can find her way to safety and healing.
This comment is like an incredible personal essay packed into a few paragraphs! I love your reframe at the end. And yes--to be undiagnosed PDA autistic is truly hell on earth if your caregivers were all in on Dobson or ABA or any form. Your poor nervous system! I also struggle with memories of my childhood, but the narrative I have been told was that I was a very fussy/colicky baby and toddler, and then shifted into the quiet small "perfect" child. I don't think I am PDA (one of my siblings I suspect is and one of my children is) and I truly can't imagine the pain you and your nervous system experienced. Good on us for surviving, and for finding ways towards the safety we didn't get as children.
Shaina, thank you for sharing. I really resonated and am sending all kinds of love, good vibes, whatever you need.
I too, recently have come across PDA, and feel it fits.
Also, while closer to 10 than 5, my opportunity for the moment of switch from the bad child to the good child came. It wasn’t a come to Jesus moment for me although that was not long after. It was a conscious choice and one that I did not deviate from for many many decades (like the one I’m in now). I’m currently acknowledging, sitting in solidarity with and loving on parts of my bad. Difficult but worthy and satisfying.
Side note: You have to love the added bonus and layers of the sin of even thinking stuff. (Im enjoying embracing my sarcasm. ;)). When I look at thoughts are sinful critically there is a good chance my thoughts were only thoughts and need not be labeled good or bad.
Well done on the article unpacking all this utter bullshit. My mom actually said “hurts me more than you” while beating me, while she was crying too. Fuck Dobson. I can’t get a peaceful childhood back, instead of I hated my parents touching me, full stop. Hated hugs, flinched when they touched me to get my attention, etc. the body does keep the score!
I wonder if Dobson or FotF has been sued over his teachings? I would join that class action suit.
I've been reading the research on the long-term impacts of corporal punishments doled out by parents and it is SO disheartening. It's bad for the kids (obviously!) but really bad for the parents too--causing them distress and shame which leads them to a defensive/protective stance where they can't interrogate their choices and change (or even apologize). It's so messed up. And YES let's get that class action lawsuit started!!!
Heidi, thank you for sharing! Something you said about not wanting the loving touch really resonated with me and I hadn’t thought about that. Time to unpack in therapy 😂
Yep, my conservative parents definitely bought into the authoritarian parenting style, especially because they had several "strong willed" kids. I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm not as inclined to cut them slack and say "they didn't know any better". The way they parented me, and the way they're now trying to parent their *grandkids* is not acceptable. The phrase "break their will" has been thrown around by my dad particularly. Nope. No thanks. If I ever have kids, I will not be leaving them with my dad for extended periods of time.
There's really no sense of a village for young parents who do things differently from their conservative parents. And they wonder why their kids don't want children 😂
yeah, breaking the will of the strong-willed child is the stated goal of Dr. Dobson's book of that same title. It's really hard for me to cut people slack after being a parent myself now for almost 13 years. Before, I just gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. Now that I know how easy it is to NOT hit/shame your kids or try and make them extensions of you, the grief and rage have been kindled.
There was a point in my 20s where I mentally cut my parents out of my circle. The last “heart to heart” between me and my dad had included him saying “But if you’re not following Jesus, what do I have to show for my life?”
I didn’t know how to even take all that in. I was basically poison to his life for not being the type of Christian he wanted. (At the time, I was still considering myself Christian, just not charismatic or practicing.)
One of the things floating around my mind these days is: “Something about high-control religion made sense to my parents. Absolutes. Rigidity. Control. That felt good to them... why?”
And the only answer I have is that maybe my parents are neurodivergent too. Maybe they had a stockpile of coping mechanisms in a world that never let them be free either, and Dobson capitalized on this inherent need to be ordered around. And they did what they had been taught to do: comply. obey. shut down. surrender power. dissociate. follow orders.
I’m not saying this with even a modicum of “niceness” because I am still furious and rageful when I imagine them seeing me as a young child and thinking “let’s terrorize her so she goes to heaven.” But it’s a thing I can’t shake. My parents will spend the rest of their lives in perpetual inner torture trying to comply with the powerful.
Which leads me to my next ongoing question... what was able to set me free?
The PRESSURE from my parents to be a very intense Christian is/was enormous (I was a pastor's kid) and yeah . . . it's more about them and how they view themselves in the world and less about me. I absolutely think people with traumatic backgrounds found their way to Dobson in the 80s and 90s in droves. They truly seemed to think they were doing what was right/Christian (and YES to longing for rigidity/the perfect way to parent for ND people). But impact is much more important than intent, and when a parent refuses to reckon with that is when we have to start setting boundaries and protecting ourselves. And it really, really sucks.
I love the two questions you mention, about your parents finding something sensical in high control religion and what set you free. I’m going to be thinking about those in the context of my own life all day.
Oof! At some point when we were all grown up but before I deconstructed, my dad told me one of my brothers had said he didn't believe in god. He said, "this is the most heartbreaking thing that has ever happened, because this has been my life's work."
Wow. Parents feel betrayed because Dobson/god said “do xyz and your kids will turn out perfect” but instead of blaming Dobson for false advertising, they blame us!
I read Talia Levin's series when it came out and all I could think about was how many of my decisions have been made from a place of being afraid of getting in trouble. I don't remember if she made this point of not, but I think it's really important not to dismiss certain types of stories as extreme examples, because those kinds of teachings trickled down into huge swaths of society. I don't remember a single Dobson book in our home library, but I was spanked, and because I was such a good kid, it usually only had to happen once for me to never commit a particular transgression again. I really believe my parents were trying their best, there was just no other framework available for them. I had a couple of friends pregnant at the time that series came out who grew up similarly to me, and I told them I would never offer another parenting opinion again (I don't have kids) if they would just please not spank their kids.
I'd also like to point out that punishment-based techniques are not considered best practice for training animals, so do with that what you will.
May 2, 2023·edited May 2, 2023Liked by D.L. Mayfield
“This hurts me more than it hurts you.” I heard this one so much growing up. “Disrespect” (read: questions or emotions) was the the cardinal sin in my house. I'm tremendously grateful we as a community are naming the abuse, grieving it, and trying to imagine a world in which children (and humans of all ages) are treated with dignity.
Dr. Dobson taught our parents to tell us that as they hit us. What's been really difficult for me to process is that statistically, the highest frequency of spankings happens in the toddler years (age 3 is the high point) which means we can't cognitively remember this happening to us, but our bodies do. Teaching us to fear and to obey or be hurt. UGH and it's all SO unnecessary.
We were deep in it, and yet also peripheral. Our church was comprised mostly of homeschoolers though there were a few private Christian school kids who just had to have both parents working. (Then I assumed it was financial, now I realize the mom just loved her teaching career and a teaching career is very different from teaching your own children.)
My parents went through Growing Kids God’s Way and eventually became the mentors/leaders of it. All while they left the 4 of us at home where we watched illicit TV. (And by that I mean Saved by the Bell, Mad About You, and Due North.)
However, we were not the skirts only kind of homeschooler, nor the mom-never-works-outside-the-home. When my sister had the first grandchild she talked about spanking her and when my niece was only about 3, they stopped completely and radically changed their parenting style. We also started with spanking (it was all we knew), but it never ‘worked’ with my ‘strong-willed’ aka ND child. I was told I needed to spank earlier before there was confrontation. I was given pamphlets (that in reading them I could clearly see the examples as abuse). Finally, my husband and I decided we were done. It took a while to change our ingrained patterns, but our two sons have never been spanked and while they can be disrespectful (what kid isn’t) they do respect us as we do them.
The most telling change of all though was in my parents. Both my mom and dad have apologized for certain parts of our upbringing, specifically spanking and homeschooling us out of fear of the outside world instead of, oh I don’t know, curiosity, different education philosophies, spending time as a family, etc.
My mom will say, "but you girls danced out of the bathroom!" every time the spanking discussion comes up/why we don't spank our kids. Recently I read about how the cycle in homes where spanking is a practice mirrors the same environments where narcissistic people rule. Of course I danced out of the bathroom–I'd survived the worst and knew at an instinctive level that my body was entering the safe phase, at least for a while. Now as an adult I've had to learn that I don't need to punish myself when I make a mistake, so there's that lovely legacy. My sister who was given the 'strong-willed' label has so many issues/trauma and I can 100% confirm that the majority of them stem from Dobson's fucked up teachings and the way my parents treated her.
Secondly, I've been thinking that I was protecting myself at some level for years by not being honest about my own bisexuality until I was 35. Conversion therapy was totally a thing in my church, and in some cases, the parents weren't even informed it was being used. In my coming out letter to my parents I will be including the link to this post. They probably won't read it, but I wish they would. Even now, I am working through fear of coming out to my parents (with a therapist, thankfully). I'm glad we live two states away. Little me knew it wasn't safe to be me, but I'm tired of hiding now. I don't want to be small anymore, and I'm taking my time to make my decisions. (This is technically the most people I've come out to at once and I don't plan on sharing on Instagram or anything like that anytime soon!)
Stephanie we are all rooting for you!!!! For me it really is a trip to realize how neurodivergence and gender/sexual diversity were ALL targeted by Dobson's ABA methods. It's all connected! "little me knew it wasn't safe to be me, but I'm tired of hiding now" really, really sums it up. I'm proud of you for doing the work, and for showing up for yourself.
My parents have often told the story of when I was young (around 2) and having "fits" so often that they worried I was sick. Concerned, they took me to a doctor, who looked at me and said, "The only thing wrong with her is that she needs a good spanking." My dad tells about how, though it nearly killed him to do it, he gave me a solid spanking. He remembers that I barely even cried, I just stared at him. It's one of his most difficult memories from my childhood, but he feels he did what he had to do. I never had a "fit" again. I was nearly perfectly compliant after that.
I used to hear and re-tell that story as the funny/incredible tale of how my parents figured out how to tame my rebellious spirit at such a young age. Now, with the knowledge I have of attachment and neurodivergence, I think my dad disciplined my autistic meltdowns right out of me. Through that event, I learned that it wasn't safe to be overwhelmed and I bottled it all up inside, not even allowing myself to acknowledge overwhelm to myself...until my 38 year old body couldn't hold it all in anymore and I suffered major burnout. I'm still recovering, but I am recovering. Therapy and distancing from my parents have been key.
I can't help but have compassion for my parents (who are very likely neurodivergent themselves). They hadn't been given an option to embrace their neurodiverse traits and they thought they couldn't allow me to have them either. Nonetheless, for my own sake, I still have to have limited contact with them because they are 100% unwilling to accept that the way they parented me was harmful in any way. I hate what Dobson and people like him did to generations of Christians. It's evil and I hope his "legacy" is destroyed.
it's illuminating how many people in the comments mention how spanking became a part of family "lore"--meaning, our parents pointed to how spanking "worked" on us . . . which is so painful to untangle. I definitely learned how to internalize my meltdowns (hellooooooo OCD) because of corporal punishment and the fear of being labelled the "bad" child.
Though largely absent/inattentive, my parents sampled from Dr. Dobson, particularly for my younger brother who actually died back in August from an overdose; I now think his addiction was all wrapped up in self-medicating and self-soothing his needs related to undiagnosed autism/ADHD. Looking back, both of us suffered because our neurodivergence wasn’t known, accepted, and are needs weren’t supported, but he was labeled the more “strong-willed child,” and frequently received more physical and verbal discipline. Very early on, I learned to have no needs and be golden and quiet (though I was frequently and forcefully shut down when I went throughout the house belting my latest hyper-fixation song). I do know all the advice my parents were given came from individuals in our charismatic American evangelical church, and I even remember listening to Dr. Dobson give talks on sex and adolescence on a road trip with my mom to Myrtle Beach. (EW.) I’m still processing a lot of this retroactively and working through it all in therapy, but it feels good to share it here.
This also scratched a particular itch for me because I am currently an autistic teacher for autistic middle schoolers with high-support needs in a school system/environment that is hell-bent on implementing ABA practices in all spheres. Though I sometimes catch myself falling back on that style of interacting and teaching, I strive to create a neurodiversity affirming and safe space for my students. I’ve found that consistent connection goes much further than punishment/reinforcement and I try to find ways every day to bond with students over their special interests and we take lots of breaks. And you know what, it works. Everyone’s nervous system is more regulated throughout the day and my students make real progress in the areas that are important. That being said, I’m really grateful for this article and how the interaction of these two streams is being brought to light. Thank you, D. L.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. And for all the shit you grew up with (hi from a fellow golden child!). And thank you for talking about your experience working in spaces where ABA is being pushed so hard. I had to close my DMs on instagram today because almost immediately I started getting messages from allistic parents telling me why ABA is the only thing that works for some kids. And I'm like . . . but it's not? A regulated nervous system literally helps EVERYONE. Gah. The messaging behind ABA is so insidious and unceasing. Thank you for modeling another way!!!
Sending all the love and digital hugs for diving into this to thoroughly. This is such an important essay and I hope it inspires others to advocate in their contexts for the end of ABA and all forms of conversion therapy.
This is fascinating and gut wrenching and yet also not surprising. The more I learn about all of this the more I realize how pervasive authoritarian and Dobson/Focus on the Family approaches to parenting were in the community I grew up in (evangelical, conservative, Assemblies of God). The term “strong willed child” was in my brain and I had no idea where it came from. Maybe there was a Dobson book in our home growing up, but it also could just be that his “techniques” were dominant in the culture I was in. Spanking totally happened, and even has a kid I remember thinking: “This does not work.” It’s taken a while but I’m now at a place where I can see my parents suffered in that system as well, and are now thankfully out of it too. Mostly now I grieve the harm that was done to all of us, largely because of my grandparents going deep into 1970s/80s evangelical culture. So it can go further back than just parents. Thank you for digging into this research and getting this conversation going!
Spanking truly does not work. Toddlers (the ones who are spanked the most often) are not able to make the connections to why their parent is explaining the need for spanking. It is just their beloved caregiver hurting them. Of course this has long-term consequences for parent-child relationships!
1. Yes. I have a handful of stories I no longer tell as if they are funny (like bribing my parent not to spank me), and have visceral memories of standing with one of my parents as they talked with someone about how I *was* such a strong-willed child (yep, the book was on the shelf) and responded with pride when their conversation partner gasped with disbelief that the obedient and compliant rule-follower in front of them would have ever been so disrespectful/disobedient/willfully naughty.
2. I'm not sure. We are in a very weird middle place right now. It's awkward. And painful. And exhausting. And confusing. And isolating. It's such a simultaneously active and dormant part of my life right now and I don't really know where we're headed.
(This one hit hard. I even read each new paragraph with trepidation. But I'm so grateful you posted this when you did, D.L. I'm not sure I would have been able to sit with it and hold it in a way that will bear some fruit in me until now.)
My parents definitely went the Dobson route in disciplining. When I grew up and had kids of my own that is, unfortunately, how we raised them as well. I've been making amends with them recently, though a few of them seem to be scratching their heads and thinking "What is Dad talking about?" I do get along well with my adult children, though we have all moved in different directions and we do not live near each other any longer. We do talk a lot.
My relationship with my parents is odd since I deconstructed. My step-dad and I don't speak much at all (especially since Trump/Covid). My mom and I text each other on a regular basis, but mostly discuss how things are going currently. We rarely talk about the past - though I brought up a few memories the other day, and had a great discussion processing a time in our family life that was particularly difficult.
my parents spanked often when we were very little and of course it worked, we were so scared of getting spanked again! I was a quiet conforming child after that until high school when I realized they didn't scare me anymore. I rebelled and didn't really care. I was so angry as a teen and now it makes sense why! Like many of the comments my parents never admitted how they parented was wrong. I saw the dysfunction in them as a twenty year old and distanced myself from them more each year. I know they were only doing what they were told and had a lot of fear of hell so I get it, but I am shocked to see so many parents still doing these things. thank you for this article! I am so sad to hear that is being taught in schools for autistic kids.
I'm older than you (55) and I believe I'm undiagnosed neurodivergent. I'm a human barometer thanks to always having to gage my parents to see if it was safe. It often wasn't and I spent a lot of time by myself in my room. Books were my friends. My mother beat me, slapped me, gaslit me, blamed me for her issues and called me her strong-willed child. I was the scapegoat while my "compliant " brother was the golden child...for a time. I was always asking questions but learned my parents and our church were not about finding the answers. My parents raised me to follow Jesus but now consider me a heretic because I'm actually following Jesus while they are enmeshed in the cult of Christian nationalism and wonder why we aren't close.
My mom always talked about how I was the most rebellious preschooler she had ever encountered. Ages 2-5 every thing she told me to do I said no to. Every single time she tried to draw a line I would cross it. I had tantrums daily, sometimes becoming so angry I would lose my capacity to inhale and pass out. Then, at age five, after my bath I told her I wanted to become a Christian. I wanted to say the prayer. Not tomorrow, I insisted, now. And after that I was her most compliant, obedient child, never so much as uttering a complaint. It was her miracle story. And while I took it at face value growing up, it always felt so bleak. “I still feel all the feelings that make me bad,” I remember thinking, while I resolved to be as quiet as possible, because that is what made me good.
I have no memories of those years. By my late thirties I had been searching my past for some unremembered trauma. Something about the way all the block towers I had carefully assembled throughout adulthood were knocked over and scattered felt connected to those unremembered early childhood years. But you can’t remember what you can’t remember.
Then, in my gathering bits of autism data to piece together a new understanding of myself, I came across the term “pathological demand avoidance.” And the description that introduced PDA to me sounded notes of recognition in my body: “you tell a kid to put on their shoes and they refuse. Not because they won’t, but because they can’t. Their nervous system forms a threat response to your demand.”
My body remembered the lived experience my cognitive brain couldn’t access, and my trauma was named entirely by the miracle story my mom always told. I was having panic attacks multiple times a day and punished for them, for years, until at the age of five I found the inner resources to pursue a sense of safety through secure attachment. I called this “becoming a christian” and it was a decision to flawlessly internalise my nervous system response within a compliant body.
I’m honestly super impressed with my 5-year-old self for planning and executing a strategy that perfectly fit inside my parents worldview--like that’s some serious social analysis. But of course, 40-year-old me requires very different strategies to heal--strategies that the trigger existential terror of unmasking my bad, I attachable self. But I’m confident that that smart, sensitive, resourceful five-year-old grew into a smart, sensitive, resourceful 40-year-old who can find her way to safety and healing.
This comment is like an incredible personal essay packed into a few paragraphs! I love your reframe at the end. And yes--to be undiagnosed PDA autistic is truly hell on earth if your caregivers were all in on Dobson or ABA or any form. Your poor nervous system! I also struggle with memories of my childhood, but the narrative I have been told was that I was a very fussy/colicky baby and toddler, and then shifted into the quiet small "perfect" child. I don't think I am PDA (one of my siblings I suspect is and one of my children is) and I truly can't imagine the pain you and your nervous system experienced. Good on us for surviving, and for finding ways towards the safety we didn't get as children.
Shaina, thank you for sharing. I really resonated and am sending all kinds of love, good vibes, whatever you need.
I too, recently have come across PDA, and feel it fits.
Also, while closer to 10 than 5, my opportunity for the moment of switch from the bad child to the good child came. It wasn’t a come to Jesus moment for me although that was not long after. It was a conscious choice and one that I did not deviate from for many many decades (like the one I’m in now). I’m currently acknowledging, sitting in solidarity with and loving on parts of my bad. Difficult but worthy and satisfying.
Side note: You have to love the added bonus and layers of the sin of even thinking stuff. (Im enjoying embracing my sarcasm. ;)). When I look at thoughts are sinful critically there is a good chance my thoughts were only thoughts and need not be labeled good or bad.
Well done on the article unpacking all this utter bullshit. My mom actually said “hurts me more than you” while beating me, while she was crying too. Fuck Dobson. I can’t get a peaceful childhood back, instead of I hated my parents touching me, full stop. Hated hugs, flinched when they touched me to get my attention, etc. the body does keep the score!
I wonder if Dobson or FotF has been sued over his teachings? I would join that class action suit.
I've been reading the research on the long-term impacts of corporal punishments doled out by parents and it is SO disheartening. It's bad for the kids (obviously!) but really bad for the parents too--causing them distress and shame which leads them to a defensive/protective stance where they can't interrogate their choices and change (or even apologize). It's so messed up. And YES let's get that class action lawsuit started!!!
Heidi, thank you for sharing! Something you said about not wanting the loving touch really resonated with me and I hadn’t thought about that. Time to unpack in therapy 😂
❤️
Yep, my conservative parents definitely bought into the authoritarian parenting style, especially because they had several "strong willed" kids. I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm not as inclined to cut them slack and say "they didn't know any better". The way they parented me, and the way they're now trying to parent their *grandkids* is not acceptable. The phrase "break their will" has been thrown around by my dad particularly. Nope. No thanks. If I ever have kids, I will not be leaving them with my dad for extended periods of time.
There's really no sense of a village for young parents who do things differently from their conservative parents. And they wonder why their kids don't want children 😂
yeah, breaking the will of the strong-willed child is the stated goal of Dr. Dobson's book of that same title. It's really hard for me to cut people slack after being a parent myself now for almost 13 years. Before, I just gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. Now that I know how easy it is to NOT hit/shame your kids or try and make them extensions of you, the grief and rage have been kindled.
Being a parent has changed a lot of the grace I gave my parents (which was/is also more grace than they’ve ever been willing to give me).
There was a point in my 20s where I mentally cut my parents out of my circle. The last “heart to heart” between me and my dad had included him saying “But if you’re not following Jesus, what do I have to show for my life?”
I didn’t know how to even take all that in. I was basically poison to his life for not being the type of Christian he wanted. (At the time, I was still considering myself Christian, just not charismatic or practicing.)
One of the things floating around my mind these days is: “Something about high-control religion made sense to my parents. Absolutes. Rigidity. Control. That felt good to them... why?”
And the only answer I have is that maybe my parents are neurodivergent too. Maybe they had a stockpile of coping mechanisms in a world that never let them be free either, and Dobson capitalized on this inherent need to be ordered around. And they did what they had been taught to do: comply. obey. shut down. surrender power. dissociate. follow orders.
I’m not saying this with even a modicum of “niceness” because I am still furious and rageful when I imagine them seeing me as a young child and thinking “let’s terrorize her so she goes to heaven.” But it’s a thing I can’t shake. My parents will spend the rest of their lives in perpetual inner torture trying to comply with the powerful.
Which leads me to my next ongoing question... what was able to set me free?
The PRESSURE from my parents to be a very intense Christian is/was enormous (I was a pastor's kid) and yeah . . . it's more about them and how they view themselves in the world and less about me. I absolutely think people with traumatic backgrounds found their way to Dobson in the 80s and 90s in droves. They truly seemed to think they were doing what was right/Christian (and YES to longing for rigidity/the perfect way to parent for ND people). But impact is much more important than intent, and when a parent refuses to reckon with that is when we have to start setting boundaries and protecting ourselves. And it really, really sucks.
I love the two questions you mention, about your parents finding something sensical in high control religion and what set you free. I’m going to be thinking about those in the context of my own life all day.
Oof! At some point when we were all grown up but before I deconstructed, my dad told me one of my brothers had said he didn't believe in god. He said, "this is the most heartbreaking thing that has ever happened, because this has been my life's work."
The lack of personal boundaries in people saying shit like this is astounding
Wow. Parents feel betrayed because Dobson/god said “do xyz and your kids will turn out perfect” but instead of blaming Dobson for false advertising, they blame us!
I read Talia Levin's series when it came out and all I could think about was how many of my decisions have been made from a place of being afraid of getting in trouble. I don't remember if she made this point of not, but I think it's really important not to dismiss certain types of stories as extreme examples, because those kinds of teachings trickled down into huge swaths of society. I don't remember a single Dobson book in our home library, but I was spanked, and because I was such a good kid, it usually only had to happen once for me to never commit a particular transgression again. I really believe my parents were trying their best, there was just no other framework available for them. I had a couple of friends pregnant at the time that series came out who grew up similarly to me, and I told them I would never offer another parenting opinion again (I don't have kids) if they would just please not spank their kids.
I'd also like to point out that punishment-based techniques are not considered best practice for training animals, so do with that what you will.
Yes! I have a friend who trains dogs for emergency rescues and she would never hit them!
Yes to tour last comment! I relate to your entire comment
“This hurts me more than it hurts you.” I heard this one so much growing up. “Disrespect” (read: questions or emotions) was the the cardinal sin in my house. I'm tremendously grateful we as a community are naming the abuse, grieving it, and trying to imagine a world in which children (and humans of all ages) are treated with dignity.
Dr. Dobson taught our parents to tell us that as they hit us. What's been really difficult for me to process is that statistically, the highest frequency of spankings happens in the toddler years (age 3 is the high point) which means we can't cognitively remember this happening to us, but our bodies do. Teaching us to fear and to obey or be hurt. UGH and it's all SO unnecessary.
It’s basically the child abuse version of ‘see what you made me do’
We were deep in it, and yet also peripheral. Our church was comprised mostly of homeschoolers though there were a few private Christian school kids who just had to have both parents working. (Then I assumed it was financial, now I realize the mom just loved her teaching career and a teaching career is very different from teaching your own children.)
My parents went through Growing Kids God’s Way and eventually became the mentors/leaders of it. All while they left the 4 of us at home where we watched illicit TV. (And by that I mean Saved by the Bell, Mad About You, and Due North.)
However, we were not the skirts only kind of homeschooler, nor the mom-never-works-outside-the-home. When my sister had the first grandchild she talked about spanking her and when my niece was only about 3, they stopped completely and radically changed their parenting style. We also started with spanking (it was all we knew), but it never ‘worked’ with my ‘strong-willed’ aka ND child. I was told I needed to spank earlier before there was confrontation. I was given pamphlets (that in reading them I could clearly see the examples as abuse). Finally, my husband and I decided we were done. It took a while to change our ingrained patterns, but our two sons have never been spanked and while they can be disrespectful (what kid isn’t) they do respect us as we do them.
The most telling change of all though was in my parents. Both my mom and dad have apologized for certain parts of our upbringing, specifically spanking and homeschooling us out of fear of the outside world instead of, oh I don’t know, curiosity, different education philosophies, spending time as a family, etc.
My mom will say, "but you girls danced out of the bathroom!" every time the spanking discussion comes up/why we don't spank our kids. Recently I read about how the cycle in homes where spanking is a practice mirrors the same environments where narcissistic people rule. Of course I danced out of the bathroom–I'd survived the worst and knew at an instinctive level that my body was entering the safe phase, at least for a while. Now as an adult I've had to learn that I don't need to punish myself when I make a mistake, so there's that lovely legacy. My sister who was given the 'strong-willed' label has so many issues/trauma and I can 100% confirm that the majority of them stem from Dobson's fucked up teachings and the way my parents treated her.
Secondly, I've been thinking that I was protecting myself at some level for years by not being honest about my own bisexuality until I was 35. Conversion therapy was totally a thing in my church, and in some cases, the parents weren't even informed it was being used. In my coming out letter to my parents I will be including the link to this post. They probably won't read it, but I wish they would. Even now, I am working through fear of coming out to my parents (with a therapist, thankfully). I'm glad we live two states away. Little me knew it wasn't safe to be me, but I'm tired of hiding now. I don't want to be small anymore, and I'm taking my time to make my decisions. (This is technically the most people I've come out to at once and I don't plan on sharing on Instagram or anything like that anytime soon!)
Stephanie we are all rooting for you!!!! For me it really is a trip to realize how neurodivergence and gender/sexual diversity were ALL targeted by Dobson's ABA methods. It's all connected! "little me knew it wasn't safe to be me, but I'm tired of hiding now" really, really sums it up. I'm proud of you for doing the work, and for showing up for yourself.
Thank you❤️And yes, it is connected! It seems most of us ND folks are definitely not straight, and I love us for defying norms.
My parents have often told the story of when I was young (around 2) and having "fits" so often that they worried I was sick. Concerned, they took me to a doctor, who looked at me and said, "The only thing wrong with her is that she needs a good spanking." My dad tells about how, though it nearly killed him to do it, he gave me a solid spanking. He remembers that I barely even cried, I just stared at him. It's one of his most difficult memories from my childhood, but he feels he did what he had to do. I never had a "fit" again. I was nearly perfectly compliant after that.
I used to hear and re-tell that story as the funny/incredible tale of how my parents figured out how to tame my rebellious spirit at such a young age. Now, with the knowledge I have of attachment and neurodivergence, I think my dad disciplined my autistic meltdowns right out of me. Through that event, I learned that it wasn't safe to be overwhelmed and I bottled it all up inside, not even allowing myself to acknowledge overwhelm to myself...until my 38 year old body couldn't hold it all in anymore and I suffered major burnout. I'm still recovering, but I am recovering. Therapy and distancing from my parents have been key.
I can't help but have compassion for my parents (who are very likely neurodivergent themselves). They hadn't been given an option to embrace their neurodiverse traits and they thought they couldn't allow me to have them either. Nonetheless, for my own sake, I still have to have limited contact with them because they are 100% unwilling to accept that the way they parented me was harmful in any way. I hate what Dobson and people like him did to generations of Christians. It's evil and I hope his "legacy" is destroyed.
it's illuminating how many people in the comments mention how spanking became a part of family "lore"--meaning, our parents pointed to how spanking "worked" on us . . . which is so painful to untangle. I definitely learned how to internalize my meltdowns (hellooooooo OCD) because of corporal punishment and the fear of being labelled the "bad" child.
Though largely absent/inattentive, my parents sampled from Dr. Dobson, particularly for my younger brother who actually died back in August from an overdose; I now think his addiction was all wrapped up in self-medicating and self-soothing his needs related to undiagnosed autism/ADHD. Looking back, both of us suffered because our neurodivergence wasn’t known, accepted, and are needs weren’t supported, but he was labeled the more “strong-willed child,” and frequently received more physical and verbal discipline. Very early on, I learned to have no needs and be golden and quiet (though I was frequently and forcefully shut down when I went throughout the house belting my latest hyper-fixation song). I do know all the advice my parents were given came from individuals in our charismatic American evangelical church, and I even remember listening to Dr. Dobson give talks on sex and adolescence on a road trip with my mom to Myrtle Beach. (EW.) I’m still processing a lot of this retroactively and working through it all in therapy, but it feels good to share it here.
This also scratched a particular itch for me because I am currently an autistic teacher for autistic middle schoolers with high-support needs in a school system/environment that is hell-bent on implementing ABA practices in all spheres. Though I sometimes catch myself falling back on that style of interacting and teaching, I strive to create a neurodiversity affirming and safe space for my students. I’ve found that consistent connection goes much further than punishment/reinforcement and I try to find ways every day to bond with students over their special interests and we take lots of breaks. And you know what, it works. Everyone’s nervous system is more regulated throughout the day and my students make real progress in the areas that are important. That being said, I’m really grateful for this article and how the interaction of these two streams is being brought to light. Thank you, D. L.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. And for all the shit you grew up with (hi from a fellow golden child!). And thank you for talking about your experience working in spaces where ABA is being pushed so hard. I had to close my DMs on instagram today because almost immediately I started getting messages from allistic parents telling me why ABA is the only thing that works for some kids. And I'm like . . . but it's not? A regulated nervous system literally helps EVERYONE. Gah. The messaging behind ABA is so insidious and unceasing. Thank you for modeling another way!!!
Sending all the love and digital hugs for diving into this to thoroughly. This is such an important essay and I hope it inspires others to advocate in their contexts for the end of ABA and all forms of conversion therapy.
This is fascinating and gut wrenching and yet also not surprising. The more I learn about all of this the more I realize how pervasive authoritarian and Dobson/Focus on the Family approaches to parenting were in the community I grew up in (evangelical, conservative, Assemblies of God). The term “strong willed child” was in my brain and I had no idea where it came from. Maybe there was a Dobson book in our home growing up, but it also could just be that his “techniques” were dominant in the culture I was in. Spanking totally happened, and even has a kid I remember thinking: “This does not work.” It’s taken a while but I’m now at a place where I can see my parents suffered in that system as well, and are now thankfully out of it too. Mostly now I grieve the harm that was done to all of us, largely because of my grandparents going deep into 1970s/80s evangelical culture. So it can go further back than just parents. Thank you for digging into this research and getting this conversation going!
Spanking truly does not work. Toddlers (the ones who are spanked the most often) are not able to make the connections to why their parent is explaining the need for spanking. It is just their beloved caregiver hurting them. Of course this has long-term consequences for parent-child relationships!
It also occurred to me: it was called “paddling” in my house.
To answer your questions directly:
1. Yes. I have a handful of stories I no longer tell as if they are funny (like bribing my parent not to spank me), and have visceral memories of standing with one of my parents as they talked with someone about how I *was* such a strong-willed child (yep, the book was on the shelf) and responded with pride when their conversation partner gasped with disbelief that the obedient and compliant rule-follower in front of them would have ever been so disrespectful/disobedient/willfully naughty.
2. I'm not sure. We are in a very weird middle place right now. It's awkward. And painful. And exhausting. And confusing. And isolating. It's such a simultaneously active and dormant part of my life right now and I don't really know where we're headed.
(This one hit hard. I even read each new paragraph with trepidation. But I'm so grateful you posted this when you did, D.L. I'm not sure I would have been able to sit with it and hold it in a way that will bear some fruit in me until now.)
I relate to where you’re at with number 2.
My parents definitely went the Dobson route in disciplining. When I grew up and had kids of my own that is, unfortunately, how we raised them as well. I've been making amends with them recently, though a few of them seem to be scratching their heads and thinking "What is Dad talking about?" I do get along well with my adult children, though we have all moved in different directions and we do not live near each other any longer. We do talk a lot.
My relationship with my parents is odd since I deconstructed. My step-dad and I don't speak much at all (especially since Trump/Covid). My mom and I text each other on a regular basis, but mostly discuss how things are going currently. We rarely talk about the past - though I brought up a few memories the other day, and had a great discussion processing a time in our family life that was particularly difficult.
my parents spanked often when we were very little and of course it worked, we were so scared of getting spanked again! I was a quiet conforming child after that until high school when I realized they didn't scare me anymore. I rebelled and didn't really care. I was so angry as a teen and now it makes sense why! Like many of the comments my parents never admitted how they parented was wrong. I saw the dysfunction in them as a twenty year old and distanced myself from them more each year. I know they were only doing what they were told and had a lot of fear of hell so I get it, but I am shocked to see so many parents still doing these things. thank you for this article! I am so sad to hear that is being taught in schools for autistic kids.
I'm older than you (55) and I believe I'm undiagnosed neurodivergent. I'm a human barometer thanks to always having to gage my parents to see if it was safe. It often wasn't and I spent a lot of time by myself in my room. Books were my friends. My mother beat me, slapped me, gaslit me, blamed me for her issues and called me her strong-willed child. I was the scapegoat while my "compliant " brother was the golden child...for a time. I was always asking questions but learned my parents and our church were not about finding the answers. My parents raised me to follow Jesus but now consider me a heretic because I'm actually following Jesus while they are enmeshed in the cult of Christian nationalism and wonder why we aren't close.
I'm so, so sorry Amy. You deserved so much better.