Thank you for sharing all of this with us. As an autistic person growing up in an authoritarian, abusive home, I actually enjoyed driving because it was a means of freedom for me to escape my home of origin. We did a homeschool driving program for drivers ed which was very helpful. I grew up in Houston but my dad was a country boy so starting around 12 he’d throw me behind the wheel when we’d visit the country or on our suburban neighborhood streets. Bc drivers ed was homeschooled I never had to have a stranger in the passenger seat fail or pass me which I’m so grateful for. I just had to take a book test. But once I got my drivers license, as the already parentified older sibling, the parentification got worse from my mother who demanded I take my siblings to dr appointments, activities, and made me run her errands. And if I didn’t I’d be inappropriately punished. So I just used those opportunities to drive and stay away from her. The older I’ve gotten the harder it is for me to drive places I’m not familiar with. It’s like my nervous system got maxed out after years of masking so things that were once “easier” for me are more challenging now. Parking is ALWAYS a stressor and I try to do as much research as I can to figure out the parking situation before I set out. Although the driving to escape my abusive home of origin is a sad origin story, I am grateful that overall driving has been mostly an escape for me rather than a massive source of anxiety. I like to listen to music or books and just set out on an easy drive. As long as there’s certain criteria like I’m driving a car I’m comfortable with, the roads aren’t too small, the passengers aren’t sensory overwhelming me, and the parking is known and manageable…I can manage driving.
My oldest sibling also got her driver's license as soon as possible -- to escape and have a sense of freedom. I think that this is a common experience for folks!
I have poor vision and depth perception and my parents chalked my driving anxiety up to that (certainly part of the problem!). Driving a tiny car (a Fiat) has helped me a lot. I didn't drive at all until my late twenties (though I had my license- I barely passed a driving course in high school) and had to relearn from a friend's mom. I have a hard boundary of not driving on freeways/highways which means it takes more time for me to get places in my pretty big city but I'd rather that than a panic attack. I loved not driving during the pandemic.
I love that you have these boundaries! There are certain "cool" neighborhoods in Portland I just know I can't drive to anymore (the parking + narrow streets is a no go for me). Also, the poor vision thing is real -- I didn't even mention how difficult it is for me to drive at night because of vision issues, but that is also a factor for sure.
No highways for me either. Trying to merge with tractor trailers hurtling at 80+ mph around me? Absolutely not. There is one (1) mile of highway I can drive on near my house, and it's only because I don't have to merge. There's a lane that starts at the first exit and lasts until the next exit. Ninety-nine percent of the time, though, I just take the longer back ways instead.
I am not autistic but I so relate! Maybe because there is some overlap with HSP's? I have had driving anxiety since I first started driving. We lived in a tiny town and that helped a lot for me. We had one stoplight. My best friend in high school lived way up by Beacon Rock and then up a crazy steep road past that with no guard rails. She would always complain that I did not drive up there enough and I told her it was way too difficult for me. Her family was offended that I chose to not to come visit because of my anxiety. Nobody understood. When I did drive it I was panicked and exhausted afterwards.
The past few years I have been more free to accommodate myself without shame. I take the least stressful route anywhere. Even if it takes a few minutes longer.
The other day I was going to drive an hour on the freeway to meet my sister halfway between our towns. It was pouring rain and I was so nervous. I started to get on the freeway and could not see a thing, started to panic so I pulled over and just decided I wasn't going to put my body through that. When I called her she said "Ok I will just drive up to you then". I felt so validated. She accommodated me without a second though and was happy to. I really felt loved. That has not always been the case!
Whenever I am going somewhere new, I find the route that is the fewest turns.
I used to go to work taking...it's not really a highway I don't think, but the closest thing around. I got back & forth quickly, but at what cost? Plus you have to merge into the traffic? Yuck. After maybe a month of stress I started taking a different route & never looked back.
Thank you so much for articulating and expressing this. I just drove eight hours round trip from Salem, OR to the tri-cities in WA on Saturday & Sunday. I resonate with much of what you said. So much stimulation on hot crowded roads. Managing speed, location of the other cars, what I'm listening to on my phone, thinking about my body needs, anticipating the event I'm going to, being away from family and familiar routines, etc. Yes to accepting the reality of this with no shame. More supports!
I'll admit DL, I thought Driving Anxiety was a new kind of anxiety I would get to learn about today... But let me go take some Ativan to chill out 😂
I was a year younger than everyone in my public school class, so I didn't even have the ability to get my learner's permit with everyone else. I was fine with it too! Driving terrified me. At 16, my family crumbled and I constantly was depressed, in the middle of a meltdown, or non-verbal. Being late diagnosed autistic along with a slew of other diagnoses, I have a mental block from age 16 to 18. During that time, I remember *everyone* peer pressuring me into driving and I outright refused. I was already passive su!c!dal and the most common intrusive thought was driving related. I finally got my license at 19. I'm 27 today and I still have times where intrusive thoughts are more prominent; thankfully, I have a kind and accommodating husband who drives in those times.
I don’t have driving anxiety (I love road trips, especially alone - I feel in control and I can control the noise, stopping, etc) BUT I think that talking about and sharing our “odd” (societally, I mean) anxieties is good! I’m grateful to hear your fears, even if I don’t share their exact form. We all have them in some shape.
I will say using google maps to figure out parking beforehand is my secret skill because I HATE not knowing where I can park, how far I have to walk, etc.
I had no desire to learn how to drive. Rode with my friends who got their licenses at 16. "Don't you want your license?!?!?" Noooooooo. I could hurt someone. I took driver's ed at 17. Aced the classroom part, white-knuckled through the driving part and did not score high enough to get a waiver. Which was fine with me because I hated it all. Sometimes I felt like I 'should' get my license - being smart and all, you're supposed to be smart/capable at Everything.
Once I got out of college, still not driving, and back living at home, car-less, my parents were kind of eager to get me out, so they made me sign up for a driver's ed class they found that was driving only. Had the most patient instructor ever and the only other person in the vehicle was a 15 year old who had already been driving around. The instructor told me he prefers a feather-foot to a lead-foot. Which was super sweet & I am so not a feather-foot today. But he made me feel like I and my style of driving were okay, and it was a good experience. I could get places safely, and that's what mattered. Whereas with the high school experience, I repeatedly voiced how terrified I was and was basically told to...not be terrified.
After that, once a week for months I would drive the exact same route. For months and months. So I got to know that route and how the vehicle drove super well. I have such nice memories of listening to Car Talk with my dad while driving it. Then we figured out what kind of car I might want and started looking around. I wanted a van because that is what I had been practicing in, it sits high & you can see things. So once we didn't find any vans that weren't huge (shock) we picked cars that were known for sitting high. Then once I got one (it had a CD player!! whooo!!), I got to drive myself to & from work every day & my dad would take my car home. Again, same route, over and over. Then several months after that, I took the test & passed. Flunked parallel parking then, still can't do it, hardly ever matters.
I don't mind driving now & even enjoy it, for all except for blinding headlights & driving in rain while it's dark. I figure night driving will be the first to go, but I can still handle it okay. The traffic in general used to overwhelm me, but that improved the more I drove, as I figured out which things I needed to focus on, and which I just needed to keep an eye out for just in case. OT for SPD & learning to deal with anxiety probably helped a lot with that too.
I back into my parking spot at home. It was hard for awhile, but it's so much easier now (even though I sometimes (usually?) have to try like 3-4 times to get it just right). I decided it was easier to back in, in the afternoon, then to back out in the morning with cars flying by. I can just pull out of my spot and see right away if anyone's coming.
I really appreciate this conversation. I am not actually diagnosed autistic, but I suspect that I’m somewhere on the spectrum based on other experiences I’ve had.
I’ve experienced a lot of driving anxiety with onset suddenly when I was in my early 30s. Somehow I had been a pretty fearless driver before that, so the first time I had a panic attack in the car was disorienting and upsetting at best.
I share your anxiety about bridges specifically too! When I’m driving alone and need to cross a bridge, I find it’s sometimes helpful to actually crank up some loud music and sing along or even shout out loud when I’m going over a bridge with phrases that are meant to kind of lean into the anxiety energy and trick it into thinking I’m excited and not scared. . . like “Oh yeah, let’s do this. Woohooooo!!!! Let’s gooooo!!!!!” It makes me kind of laugh at myself too. I don’t know if that’s silly, but it seems to work a little sometimes. 😆
I might have to come back to write a few more thoughts on this later. It’s such an interesting topic! 🎉
I don't love driving, but I'm okay driving places I'm familiar with. I'm even okay in small towns or less populated areas I'm unfamiliar with. But BIG unfamiliar places with lots of people and lanes and cars and traffic lights is too much. It's better now with a new car that has built in GPS, because that's one less thing I have to focus on. I think for me the hatred of driving is it's TOO MUCH STUFF, all at once. Plus, other people get so impatient about it when you don't navigate the TOO MUCH STUFF fast enough or well enough. And underlying all of it is the extremely complicated machine you are operating to do the TOO MUCH STUFF that could fail in any number of ways at any time with no warning. No thank you.
I hate when I have to make choices quickly as a driver. I get honked at for not turning left quickly enough with oncoming traffic, but if I can't tell how fast they're coming, I'm not pulling in front of them.
Late, self diagnosed here. Diagnosed ADHD in my mid twenties. 47 now. I have some trauma around car accidents starting young. I didn’t even like to ride in them. We lived in FL and I would walk miles to avoid cars and busses. Never did get my license until I was 21. When I first started driving, the thing I noticed was lights, flickering, lots of them, at night. I was in several car accidents that were my fault, it was why I sought help for the ADHD. They put me on meds and told me to be sure to take them while driving. I had a 2 hour round trip commute to work for many years. All country, back roads in Ga and I was comfortable unless a lightening storm struck, I was a mess. I spent my twenties convincing friends to drive me places. My rationale was because I drove so much for work, because I wanted to drink and because I just didn’t like to drive. What I quickly found out is that I’m just as terrified if not more of some other people’s driving than my own. I now only ride with a select few who have totally clean driving records and don’t drink at all. I found that people thought they could drive after a few drinks when they probably shouldn’t have. My now friends know that I like a ride if it can be managed. Honestly it’s partly so that I can medicate myself with stuff that makes me unsafe to drive, and illegal. I do still drive. To locations that I know and know the route well. Certain errands and appointments. My volunteer job. My friend’s house. I’ve figured out that driving on a freeway is a hard no from me. I don’t feel I am safe to drive over 30 minutes from my house due to my attention span. I must have someone practice the route with me ahead of my needing to be there. Sorry I am not a professional writer. Thanks for sharing all you did, I look forward to other comments on the topic.
It doesn’t help that I’ve lost 3 immediate family members to car accidents. It’s the reason I hardly make it over to the Oregon coast even though I’m so close. I’m terrified.
I think the truth is some of us are not safe to drive because of the issues we deal with. For me it’s focus and anxiety. I am so anxious in traffic it makes me hesitate and I feel I am an unsafe driver at that time. Maybe many ND people know this on some level, but society is trying to make us not rely on others. Of course our parents want us to drive, they don’t want to have to drive us around so they could be in denial that our nervous systems just might not be built to be safe drivers.
Thank you for talking about this! Our driving experiences are very similar, and I received so much shame growing up because of my struggles with driving. Cheers to accommodations and learning how to treat our bodies well while living in a car-centric society!
When your title showed up today, I went, "Huh! You mean that has something to do with it? Well, of course it does. Huh!"
I'm ADHD (and CPTSD) for sure, and some other neurodivergence is still being sorted out. In high school I went through Driver's Ed, passed the practice test, and never went down to take the actual test for a license. I just... couldn't. So I didn't. There was pressure, but I didn't.
Thanks for writing about this. There is a lot to think about here. Also, hey, congrats from another non-binary person on being out!
Thanks for sharing all this! My oldest is autistic and definitely struggles with anxiety in many forms. I wonder how driving will go for her - it’s coming up fast. This is helpful information to keep tucked away when the time comes.
Go at her pace is my biggest suggestion! If she pushes back on the idea, ask why. I fully knew and understood the responsibility long before I got my license (I think that's what terrified me the most). Knowing, at 16 years old, you are driving a THOUSANDS of dollars MULTI-TON vehicle that has the ability to *k!ll* someone was way too much responsibility. Honestly, I stand by that assessment. Too many teenagers are just excited to hit the milestone without understanding the full impact and responsibility.
If she ends up wanting to wait until she’s 17 or 18, I’ll totally understand. She’s talked about being able to drive one day with anticipation, so hopefully that’s enough to override some of the anxiety. And with a dual diagnosis of anxiety disorder, she is on meds which might help too? We do live rurally, so driving will unfortunately be important at some point.
I would say to remove as many variables as possible when you're first starting. I learned to drive (very young) at an old airstrip in my hometown that almost never had anyone there, the only thing available to hit was mesquite bushes, and my dad's van was nearly indestructible anyway. By the time I got to the point of driver's ed and more advanced stuff, I already had a good handle on the basic mechanics, so even though it could be really stressful, I wasn't also having to think about which pedal is which.
Thanks for bringing into the open this often non discussed topic.
I didn’t get my driver’s license till six months after the birth of my child. I was 29 years old. And I only got it because we moved to the countryside and I no longer was in walking or biking distance from my community and stores. And those folks whom I once relied on for rides abandoned me and my partner when we stopped attending our church.
My folks tried to teach me how to drive when I was 15, then again at 18. My yet to be fully developed brain was overwhelmed and overstimulated by the task of driving
manually, which was the only car available to me to learn on at the time. I got multiple temporary licenses as an adult but never made the time to practice. The thought of driving independently made me deeply anxious. To this day I need to prepare mentally for days for a car trip beyond my routine drive to the library, park, stores etc. I will often study Google Maps and choose the route that is less heavily trafficked even if takes me longer to get to my destination. And once at destination, I find I need a few minutes to transition. After driving, task switching isn’t easy.
I also lived in Montreal and Switzerland for most of my adult life prior to moving to rural Montana. I didn’t need a car; public transport was more economical and effective. Many of my European friends also didn’t have their license, and if they did, they shared one car with their extended family. But you are right that the US is car-centric society. And the excuse that it’s bigger than anywhere else therefore it would be too expensive to switch to a public transportation infrastructure is a lazy argument. We invest in what we value.
One of my favorite parts about traveling in the past was not having to drive a car and getting to experience how so many countries do public transport better than the US. It always felt sad to come back to the car-centric culture here.
I actually like driving, but I’ve never owned a car, first because I couldn’t afford it and then because I’ve lived in New York City for 20+ years, so I almost never get to drive. But I like long drives on highways, trying to find awesome music at the edges of the FM spectrum.
I got my license the day before I turned 20, though that was more because my dad was the one who taught me and my siblings to drive, and his work schedule made it difficult to find time to practice. I didn't get a car til the following summer because of money.
I enjoy driving roads I'm used to OR new roads that are easy and have pretty scenery while listening to my favorite music. If I'm going somewhere new, I try to look at the route on Google Maps first so that I know where I need to turn and stuff.
I have a lot of anxiety around what could go wrong while driving. It doesn't help that in order to get pretty much anywhere, I have to drive by the exact spot where my husband was hit-and-run a few years ago (his truck was totaled but he was totally fine). I do not like driving over bridges. I don't drive on highways. I don't drive in bad weather or at night. My mom has a lot of the same driving anxieties. Her mom didn't drive at all.
Thank you for sharing all of this with us. As an autistic person growing up in an authoritarian, abusive home, I actually enjoyed driving because it was a means of freedom for me to escape my home of origin. We did a homeschool driving program for drivers ed which was very helpful. I grew up in Houston but my dad was a country boy so starting around 12 he’d throw me behind the wheel when we’d visit the country or on our suburban neighborhood streets. Bc drivers ed was homeschooled I never had to have a stranger in the passenger seat fail or pass me which I’m so grateful for. I just had to take a book test. But once I got my drivers license, as the already parentified older sibling, the parentification got worse from my mother who demanded I take my siblings to dr appointments, activities, and made me run her errands. And if I didn’t I’d be inappropriately punished. So I just used those opportunities to drive and stay away from her. The older I’ve gotten the harder it is for me to drive places I’m not familiar with. It’s like my nervous system got maxed out after years of masking so things that were once “easier” for me are more challenging now. Parking is ALWAYS a stressor and I try to do as much research as I can to figure out the parking situation before I set out. Although the driving to escape my abusive home of origin is a sad origin story, I am grateful that overall driving has been mostly an escape for me rather than a massive source of anxiety. I like to listen to music or books and just set out on an easy drive. As long as there’s certain criteria like I’m driving a car I’m comfortable with, the roads aren’t too small, the passengers aren’t sensory overwhelming me, and the parking is known and manageable…I can manage driving.
My oldest sibling also got her driver's license as soon as possible -- to escape and have a sense of freedom. I think that this is a common experience for folks!
I have poor vision and depth perception and my parents chalked my driving anxiety up to that (certainly part of the problem!). Driving a tiny car (a Fiat) has helped me a lot. I didn't drive at all until my late twenties (though I had my license- I barely passed a driving course in high school) and had to relearn from a friend's mom. I have a hard boundary of not driving on freeways/highways which means it takes more time for me to get places in my pretty big city but I'd rather that than a panic attack. I loved not driving during the pandemic.
I love that you have these boundaries! There are certain "cool" neighborhoods in Portland I just know I can't drive to anymore (the parking + narrow streets is a no go for me). Also, the poor vision thing is real -- I didn't even mention how difficult it is for me to drive at night because of vision issues, but that is also a factor for sure.
I’m the same way about the freeways.
No highways for me either. Trying to merge with tractor trailers hurtling at 80+ mph around me? Absolutely not. There is one (1) mile of highway I can drive on near my house, and it's only because I don't have to merge. There's a lane that starts at the first exit and lasts until the next exit. Ninety-nine percent of the time, though, I just take the longer back ways instead.
I am not autistic but I so relate! Maybe because there is some overlap with HSP's? I have had driving anxiety since I first started driving. We lived in a tiny town and that helped a lot for me. We had one stoplight. My best friend in high school lived way up by Beacon Rock and then up a crazy steep road past that with no guard rails. She would always complain that I did not drive up there enough and I told her it was way too difficult for me. Her family was offended that I chose to not to come visit because of my anxiety. Nobody understood. When I did drive it I was panicked and exhausted afterwards.
The past few years I have been more free to accommodate myself without shame. I take the least stressful route anywhere. Even if it takes a few minutes longer.
The other day I was going to drive an hour on the freeway to meet my sister halfway between our towns. It was pouring rain and I was so nervous. I started to get on the freeway and could not see a thing, started to panic so I pulled over and just decided I wasn't going to put my body through that. When I called her she said "Ok I will just drive up to you then". I felt so validated. She accommodated me without a second though and was happy to. I really felt loved. That has not always been the case!
Whenever I am going somewhere new, I find the route that is the fewest turns.
I used to go to work taking...it's not really a highway I don't think, but the closest thing around. I got back & forth quickly, but at what cost? Plus you have to merge into the traffic? Yuck. After maybe a month of stress I started taking a different route & never looked back.
That was super nice of your sister. :)
Thank you so much for articulating and expressing this. I just drove eight hours round trip from Salem, OR to the tri-cities in WA on Saturday & Sunday. I resonate with much of what you said. So much stimulation on hot crowded roads. Managing speed, location of the other cars, what I'm listening to on my phone, thinking about my body needs, anticipating the event I'm going to, being away from family and familiar routines, etc. Yes to accepting the reality of this with no shame. More supports!
I'll admit DL, I thought Driving Anxiety was a new kind of anxiety I would get to learn about today... But let me go take some Ativan to chill out 😂
I was a year younger than everyone in my public school class, so I didn't even have the ability to get my learner's permit with everyone else. I was fine with it too! Driving terrified me. At 16, my family crumbled and I constantly was depressed, in the middle of a meltdown, or non-verbal. Being late diagnosed autistic along with a slew of other diagnoses, I have a mental block from age 16 to 18. During that time, I remember *everyone* peer pressuring me into driving and I outright refused. I was already passive su!c!dal and the most common intrusive thought was driving related. I finally got my license at 19. I'm 27 today and I still have times where intrusive thoughts are more prominent; thankfully, I have a kind and accommodating husband who drives in those times.
I don’t have driving anxiety (I love road trips, especially alone - I feel in control and I can control the noise, stopping, etc) BUT I think that talking about and sharing our “odd” (societally, I mean) anxieties is good! I’m grateful to hear your fears, even if I don’t share their exact form. We all have them in some shape.
I will say using google maps to figure out parking beforehand is my secret skill because I HATE not knowing where I can park, how far I have to walk, etc.
I had no desire to learn how to drive. Rode with my friends who got their licenses at 16. "Don't you want your license?!?!?" Noooooooo. I could hurt someone. I took driver's ed at 17. Aced the classroom part, white-knuckled through the driving part and did not score high enough to get a waiver. Which was fine with me because I hated it all. Sometimes I felt like I 'should' get my license - being smart and all, you're supposed to be smart/capable at Everything.
Once I got out of college, still not driving, and back living at home, car-less, my parents were kind of eager to get me out, so they made me sign up for a driver's ed class they found that was driving only. Had the most patient instructor ever and the only other person in the vehicle was a 15 year old who had already been driving around. The instructor told me he prefers a feather-foot to a lead-foot. Which was super sweet & I am so not a feather-foot today. But he made me feel like I and my style of driving were okay, and it was a good experience. I could get places safely, and that's what mattered. Whereas with the high school experience, I repeatedly voiced how terrified I was and was basically told to...not be terrified.
After that, once a week for months I would drive the exact same route. For months and months. So I got to know that route and how the vehicle drove super well. I have such nice memories of listening to Car Talk with my dad while driving it. Then we figured out what kind of car I might want and started looking around. I wanted a van because that is what I had been practicing in, it sits high & you can see things. So once we didn't find any vans that weren't huge (shock) we picked cars that were known for sitting high. Then once I got one (it had a CD player!! whooo!!), I got to drive myself to & from work every day & my dad would take my car home. Again, same route, over and over. Then several months after that, I took the test & passed. Flunked parallel parking then, still can't do it, hardly ever matters.
I don't mind driving now & even enjoy it, for all except for blinding headlights & driving in rain while it's dark. I figure night driving will be the first to go, but I can still handle it okay. The traffic in general used to overwhelm me, but that improved the more I drove, as I figured out which things I needed to focus on, and which I just needed to keep an eye out for just in case. OT for SPD & learning to deal with anxiety probably helped a lot with that too.
I love that you wrote this all out for us! It's so nice to hear other people explain their process and what it is like for them to drive.
I back into my parking spot at home. It was hard for awhile, but it's so much easier now (even though I sometimes (usually?) have to try like 3-4 times to get it just right). I decided it was easier to back in, in the afternoon, then to back out in the morning with cars flying by. I can just pull out of my spot and see right away if anyone's coming.
I really appreciate this conversation. I am not actually diagnosed autistic, but I suspect that I’m somewhere on the spectrum based on other experiences I’ve had.
I’ve experienced a lot of driving anxiety with onset suddenly when I was in my early 30s. Somehow I had been a pretty fearless driver before that, so the first time I had a panic attack in the car was disorienting and upsetting at best.
I share your anxiety about bridges specifically too! When I’m driving alone and need to cross a bridge, I find it’s sometimes helpful to actually crank up some loud music and sing along or even shout out loud when I’m going over a bridge with phrases that are meant to kind of lean into the anxiety energy and trick it into thinking I’m excited and not scared. . . like “Oh yeah, let’s do this. Woohooooo!!!! Let’s gooooo!!!!!” It makes me kind of laugh at myself too. I don’t know if that’s silly, but it seems to work a little sometimes. 😆
I might have to come back to write a few more thoughts on this later. It’s such an interesting topic! 🎉
ha, I might try that singing trick next time I have to drive over a bridge!
I don't love driving, but I'm okay driving places I'm familiar with. I'm even okay in small towns or less populated areas I'm unfamiliar with. But BIG unfamiliar places with lots of people and lanes and cars and traffic lights is too much. It's better now with a new car that has built in GPS, because that's one less thing I have to focus on. I think for me the hatred of driving is it's TOO MUCH STUFF, all at once. Plus, other people get so impatient about it when you don't navigate the TOO MUCH STUFF fast enough or well enough. And underlying all of it is the extremely complicated machine you are operating to do the TOO MUCH STUFF that could fail in any number of ways at any time with no warning. No thank you.
I hate when I have to make choices quickly as a driver. I get honked at for not turning left quickly enough with oncoming traffic, but if I can't tell how fast they're coming, I'm not pulling in front of them.
THIS!!! I hate being the first car up when the green arrow goes away.
me tooooooooo
Late, self diagnosed here. Diagnosed ADHD in my mid twenties. 47 now. I have some trauma around car accidents starting young. I didn’t even like to ride in them. We lived in FL and I would walk miles to avoid cars and busses. Never did get my license until I was 21. When I first started driving, the thing I noticed was lights, flickering, lots of them, at night. I was in several car accidents that were my fault, it was why I sought help for the ADHD. They put me on meds and told me to be sure to take them while driving. I had a 2 hour round trip commute to work for many years. All country, back roads in Ga and I was comfortable unless a lightening storm struck, I was a mess. I spent my twenties convincing friends to drive me places. My rationale was because I drove so much for work, because I wanted to drink and because I just didn’t like to drive. What I quickly found out is that I’m just as terrified if not more of some other people’s driving than my own. I now only ride with a select few who have totally clean driving records and don’t drink at all. I found that people thought they could drive after a few drinks when they probably shouldn’t have. My now friends know that I like a ride if it can be managed. Honestly it’s partly so that I can medicate myself with stuff that makes me unsafe to drive, and illegal. I do still drive. To locations that I know and know the route well. Certain errands and appointments. My volunteer job. My friend’s house. I’ve figured out that driving on a freeway is a hard no from me. I don’t feel I am safe to drive over 30 minutes from my house due to my attention span. I must have someone practice the route with me ahead of my needing to be there. Sorry I am not a professional writer. Thanks for sharing all you did, I look forward to other comments on the topic.
It doesn’t help that I’ve lost 3 immediate family members to car accidents. It’s the reason I hardly make it over to the Oregon coast even though I’m so close. I’m terrified.
I'm so sorry for your losses. I have also experienced this as well, which no doubt adds to the anxiety.
I think the truth is some of us are not safe to drive because of the issues we deal with. For me it’s focus and anxiety. I am so anxious in traffic it makes me hesitate and I feel I am an unsafe driver at that time. Maybe many ND people know this on some level, but society is trying to make us not rely on others. Of course our parents want us to drive, they don’t want to have to drive us around so they could be in denial that our nervous systems just might not be built to be safe drivers.
So very sorry for your losses. Your feelings are so valid & I’m glad you’re sharing with us. 🩵
Thank you for talking about this! Our driving experiences are very similar, and I received so much shame growing up because of my struggles with driving. Cheers to accommodations and learning how to treat our bodies well while living in a car-centric society!
When your title showed up today, I went, "Huh! You mean that has something to do with it? Well, of course it does. Huh!"
I'm ADHD (and CPTSD) for sure, and some other neurodivergence is still being sorted out. In high school I went through Driver's Ed, passed the practice test, and never went down to take the actual test for a license. I just... couldn't. So I didn't. There was pressure, but I didn't.
Thanks for writing about this. There is a lot to think about here. Also, hey, congrats from another non-binary person on being out!
hello to another non-binary friend!
Thanks for sharing all this! My oldest is autistic and definitely struggles with anxiety in many forms. I wonder how driving will go for her - it’s coming up fast. This is helpful information to keep tucked away when the time comes.
Go at her pace is my biggest suggestion! If she pushes back on the idea, ask why. I fully knew and understood the responsibility long before I got my license (I think that's what terrified me the most). Knowing, at 16 years old, you are driving a THOUSANDS of dollars MULTI-TON vehicle that has the ability to *k!ll* someone was way too much responsibility. Honestly, I stand by that assessment. Too many teenagers are just excited to hit the milestone without understanding the full impact and responsibility.
Having a patient instructor who met me where I was made all the difference.
If she ends up wanting to wait until she’s 17 or 18, I’ll totally understand. She’s talked about being able to drive one day with anticipation, so hopefully that’s enough to override some of the anxiety. And with a dual diagnosis of anxiety disorder, she is on meds which might help too? We do live rurally, so driving will unfortunately be important at some point.
I would say to remove as many variables as possible when you're first starting. I learned to drive (very young) at an old airstrip in my hometown that almost never had anyone there, the only thing available to hit was mesquite bushes, and my dad's van was nearly indestructible anyway. By the time I got to the point of driver's ed and more advanced stuff, I already had a good handle on the basic mechanics, so even though it could be really stressful, I wasn't also having to think about which pedal is which.
Thanks for bringing into the open this often non discussed topic.
I didn’t get my driver’s license till six months after the birth of my child. I was 29 years old. And I only got it because we moved to the countryside and I no longer was in walking or biking distance from my community and stores. And those folks whom I once relied on for rides abandoned me and my partner when we stopped attending our church.
My folks tried to teach me how to drive when I was 15, then again at 18. My yet to be fully developed brain was overwhelmed and overstimulated by the task of driving
manually, which was the only car available to me to learn on at the time. I got multiple temporary licenses as an adult but never made the time to practice. The thought of driving independently made me deeply anxious. To this day I need to prepare mentally for days for a car trip beyond my routine drive to the library, park, stores etc. I will often study Google Maps and choose the route that is less heavily trafficked even if takes me longer to get to my destination. And once at destination, I find I need a few minutes to transition. After driving, task switching isn’t easy.
I also lived in Montreal and Switzerland for most of my adult life prior to moving to rural Montana. I didn’t need a car; public transport was more economical and effective. Many of my European friends also didn’t have their license, and if they did, they shared one car with their extended family. But you are right that the US is car-centric society. And the excuse that it’s bigger than anywhere else therefore it would be too expensive to switch to a public transportation infrastructure is a lazy argument. We invest in what we value.
One of my favorite parts about traveling in the past was not having to drive a car and getting to experience how so many countries do public transport better than the US. It always felt sad to come back to the car-centric culture here.
I actually like driving, but I’ve never owned a car, first because I couldn’t afford it and then because I’ve lived in New York City for 20+ years, so I almost never get to drive. But I like long drives on highways, trying to find awesome music at the edges of the FM spectrum.
I got my license the day before I turned 20, though that was more because my dad was the one who taught me and my siblings to drive, and his work schedule made it difficult to find time to practice. I didn't get a car til the following summer because of money.
I enjoy driving roads I'm used to OR new roads that are easy and have pretty scenery while listening to my favorite music. If I'm going somewhere new, I try to look at the route on Google Maps first so that I know where I need to turn and stuff.
I have a lot of anxiety around what could go wrong while driving. It doesn't help that in order to get pretty much anywhere, I have to drive by the exact spot where my husband was hit-and-run a few years ago (his truck was totaled but he was totally fine). I do not like driving over bridges. I don't drive on highways. I don't drive in bad weather or at night. My mom has a lot of the same driving anxieties. Her mom didn't drive at all.