Welcome to Healing is My Special Interest, the newsletter at the intersection of late-diagnosed neurodivergence and healing from high control environments. Today I am writing a little bit about an OCD . . . flare up? Its hard for me to publish it and yet it is hard to write about anything else, so here we are. It’s a tough time to be a sensitive person, so take care of yourself, ok? Thanks for subscribing and for supporting this work, and for making this such a great little community.
The other day 13yo (who is PDA autistic) asked me what my current special interests are. I was stumped with how to respond. Because honestly? My past and current special interests have been . . . intense for a while now. First it was Dr. Dobson, then fascism in general and Christian fascism in particular. And then, on October 7th, it became Israel/Palestine. I have been spending most of my working and non-working moments lately thinking about Very Bad Men in Power who use their religion to get people to identify with an authority outside of themselves because it makes them easier to control. I became obsessed with the ripple effects of people who infuse their very identity with a violent ideology that depends on a lot of people suffering while only a privileged few get saved/safety.
I didn’t know what to tell my child. Genocidal actions and theologies and people who support them were my current special interests? YIKES, but it is the truth. I was still engaging a bit in my hobbies—walking miles every day, crocheting intricate patterns—but the reality is that most of my inner thoughts were being consumed by very intense ethical rabbit trails. Even my social media algorithms were changing rapidly. No longer was I seeing any cute animal videos on Tik Tok—almost every single one was about Palestine. And while I was (and remain) incredibly grateful to the ways social media has kept me and so many people informed of what is happening in Palestine—I also completely overloaded my nervous system but kept coming back for more. I felt compelled to do so, as if by looking and reading and researching and thinking thinking thinking I could somehow stop the horrors or encourage others to speak up—or at least prove I wasn’t a bad person1.
A part of this is due to my personality--I have always been intense, and have always tried to figure out why humans hurt each other and get them to STOP IT. Another part is connected to my background--I was raised by a Christian zionist parent obsessed with the end times and paying attention to patterns of world events, and then lived for 15+ years in Muslim refugee communities where Palestine was often talked about. But another part is related to having OCD, which is hard for me to admit to myself (and even harder to write about publicly). I think this is because my OCD is tied directly to my sense of injustice/how to be a “good” person. I have resisted getting treatment for my OCD (or even identifying it as OCD) because my obsessive thinking patterns are tied to both my sense of identity/self-worth and also my special interests. As such, there is a LOT of resistance to me wanting to name it as a disorder (and I don’t love that language anyways). But the past month has shown me that my OCD was back in a big way and was taking over my life. I currently don’t have the energy or the time to explain fully what it is like in my brain, or what moral scrupulosity/ethical OCD is to people who haven’t experienced it, but here is a good little intro article for anyone curious.
And if you haven’t experienced obsessive thinking and internal compulsions—I am genuinely happy for you, and I don’t expect you to understand at all! But let me just say that my ethical OCD can take something I am passionate about and have been interested in for years/decades—like the people of Palestine—and seize on an opportunity to take over my brain. To the point where I am having a hard time functioning, caring for my kids, envisioning a future for myself, or being able to envision a moment in the future where I can ever experience joy.
In the past few weeks I have upped my anxiety meds (after talking to my doctor! And my therapist!) and almost immediately I had clarity around the reality that OCD was taking over my life again2. I was immediately embarrassed. What? How could this happen to me? Deconverting from Christianity didn’t fully “fix” me? Ooops, I have a lifetime of suppressed trauma that manifests in a variety of ways, including OCD, that I most likely will have to manage for the rest of my life? Did I really think healing was linear or a way to clean up my brain and make it nice and tidy as if this is how it all works? UGGGGGGGH. I grew up in a binary world of testimonies of how god “saved’ and “healed” people and I think this narrative still runs deep in my veins3. When the reality of being a human is much, much more complicated than my obsessive thinking would like me to believe.
I’ve spent some time the past few weeks addressing both my moral scrupulosity, while also allowing myself to feel all my feelings. I don’t shame myself for struggling during a time of global crisis. I don’t shame myself for caring passionately about human rights violations, wartime propaganda, and rising christian fascism and American militarism. And as somebody who pays attention to patterns--there are some really big issues heading our way as Americans that could impact us all on so many levels. But I can’t solve all of these issues by constantly ruminating on them 24/7, despite what my poor little brain tries to tell me. To be a human being right here and now means there is a time and a place to think about issues both big and small, ethical and mundane, existential and banal. My brain just tends to only seek out some of these things, and ignore the rest.
I realized when my 13yo asked me about my special interests, that I didn’t have any that weren’t centered around some OCD thought loops/obsessions at the current moment. And that really sobered me. My kid told me “being autistic sucks sometimes, but when I am watching or talking about my special interest shows, I am so so happy!” And they are totally right! Being autistic does suck sometimes, especially when it perhaps contributes to us developing OCD due to high anxiety and being able to spot patterns. And if we don’t lean into the positive aspects of being highly sensitive--finding those things that make us vibrate with joy--the uncomfortable, anxious, and existential sensitivities can threaten to overwhelm our nervous systems and our exhausted brains.
So. Back to special interests. What my 13yo was trying to explain to me was that one of the ways autistic people survive being sensitive people in a violent world is by leaning into pleasure when and where we can. And not just any kind of special interest, but ones that are life giving, soul-lifting, connect-us-to-humanity shit. My child encouraged me to think about what my special interests were that made me happy. No mention of morals or ethics or justice or vocation or necessary work--just pleasure, and this simple request straight-up stumped me.
It took me a few days after being in the fog of obsessive thought-loops, but slowly some patterns and threads started to emerge for me, in part because I have written about some of them here before. I adore going on long, rambly walks in nature (and October/November in Portland are truly incredible for this!). I have certain podcasts I listen to where I feel like I am besties with smart and funny and talented people. I love the concept and behind-the-scenes nitty gritty of comedy and being able to laugh whole-heartedly at comedians I vibe with. I like theme parks. I like art museums (or museums of any kind, really). I like creating weird shit--be it miniatures, a blanket, protest signs, or pies--and it makes me happy no matter how odd or wonky the stuff I make looks. I love original sources and artifacts from history that have been overlooked. I love romance novels with an autistic-coded main character, or shy protagonists, or anarchist themes4.
I have a lot more special interests in my life than I thought, and many of them have been with me since childhood. They might disappear for a time--years even--but eventually they come back. In times of crisis, I can forget about them--or even tell myself it is wrong to enjoy them, since so many people around the world are suffering5. But I think I am going to give my brain a little rest these days and listen to my teenager instead. I watch them struggle to figure out how to be them in a world that so often seems cruel and set up by powerful men. And I watch them giggle maniacally at their favorite memes, or becoming immersed in fanfiction of their favorite characters, and I see a blueprint for my own future.
It is hard to be highly sensitive in a violent world. It is hard to be passionate about human rights in a society hell-bent on baptizing the idea that only certain people deserve safety, care, and concern. It is hard to be good at noticing patterns of authoritarianism and high control religions without getting apocalyptic about it all.
And so we do what we can to try and retain our full sense of humanity. OCD wants to distill me and everyone else into a binary of good/bad clean/unclean safe/unsafe healed/unhealed. But I am much more complicated than that, and so are you. Today I am slowly reclaiming my humanity by writing this newsletter even though my brain is telling me I shouldn’t. And I will also be taking time to walk in the rainy green and gold and red Oregon November air. I will listen to Maria Bamford’s audiobook6 while I make a Christmas miniature set. I will re-read a book that comforted me in my own teenage years. And I will be a human in the midst of a tumultuous time. Capable of experiencing joy even in the bleakest of times. Not because I am a bad person, but because that is simply what humans do7.
What are some special interests that are helping you get through these days?
Being terrified of being a bad person can be a form of OCD!
Hey, maybe unprecedented times of global instability and genocidal actions are a great time to talk to someone about getting on meds, or even upping them!
I have seen so many people be trapped by their testimonies they told on Sunday mornings, ashamed to admit if the fears or the cancer or the anxiety came back, because that would invalidate god or their connection to god. It’s so very tragic to me.
three of my favorite tropes!
Hello, OCD thought!
Her new book is called Sure I’ll Join Your Cult and I’m about halfway through and it is alllllll about OCD and it’s really good while being really funny! There are also a few moments that are so EXTREMELY my jam it is quite wild (mentions of Dr. Dobson and everything!)
If you want more info/help on OCD, I urge you to google/check out a variety of sources, or check out A Glitch in the Good Enough by Aly Prades:
I am still learning about it for myself, but I read a few books on OCD to help with my kids that helped me understand Exposure and Response Therapy. Here’s the book we used with our kids : What to Do When Your Brain Gets Stuck. Mostly what I have read on OCD up to this point hasn’t really vibed with me and my internal experience of ethical OCD/Moral Scrupulosity, but I hope there will be more and more resources on this in the future.
D.L., I am so sorry you are suffering so much! I know the anguish of OCD thought loops and how complicated it can be to tease out OCD from my own thoughts/desires. It is simply not fair that OCD would latch on to the parts of our identity we love/value most.
Thanks for linking to my Substack and I would also encourage anyone who relates to these thoughts to learn more about OCD and treatment options. I am here to attest that it is possible to treat OCD without losing the core of who you are/what you love. In recovery I’ve become more truly myself, more freely able to choose to do good, and more connected to my values than ever before.
Hoping you may find the same!
I’ll be on the lookout for more resources for OCD and autism to share.
I’m so, so thankful for your courage in writing this today.
Our family is in the middle of a huge sensory shift (away from isolated mountain living and into a suburb of Dallas), and I’ll just say it’s been ROCKY. (My therapist’s license doesn’t permit her to continue working with me in Texas, which is a huge stabilizing support system that was ripped away. So great, thanks life.)
And I have been stuck in this place where 1. I’m so tired of talk therapy’s answer being “Well just think different thoughts in your brain, autistic lady!” and 2. I’m able to observe my mind being clobbered by a runaway train pretty much all day long. Sometimes I struggle to find the balance between accepting myself as I am (resisting the urge to fix and normalize) and also recognizing, as you so lovingly talk about in this piece, when my quality of life is genuinely being crippled. I felt a lot of myself in your descriptions and it’s helping me feel less alone.
I’ve long wondered if/how OCD might be at play in my own life, and I guess I felt so exhausted by the idea of another label, another thing, because at this point it can just feel like another target on my back. But I think it’s time to roll up my sleeves and find a doctor who can step into the cacophony of mental health crap that is the legacy of Dr. James Dobson, et al.
Thank you, D.L. Sending so much love from my heart to yours (and your very large-hearted 13 year old).