Masking, the Early Years

an essay on being the good religious girl

Masking: The Early Years

(Most of this essay will be behind a paywall. Both as a precaution--who is going to pay to hate read?--and also as a means of community building as people respond with their own stories. As always, if you are someone who is interested in exploring these topics for themselves but can’t afford a subscription, simply reply to this email or send me a note at dlmmcsweeneys@gmail.com and I will get you hooked up).  

I don’t have a lot of memories of my inner world as a child. There are some facts I know: I was quiet. I loved observing people. I loved to lose myself in a book. I was very sheltered. I was homeschooled with my two sisters, and I was the middle of the three of us. My family moved every two to three years—northern California, Alaska, Wyoming, central Oregon. Rugged, somewhat isolated places. Conservative places. My dad was a pastor and my mom was a stay-at-home parent. My entire life revolved around God. Both because it was my dad’s vocation and it was my mom’s special interest. My two caregivers, obsessed with God and the world and their role in it.

In some ways, it seems clear to me now. I didn’t even have a choice. God had to be my special interest. Everybody around me had the same obsession. And luckily for me, I had it too. 

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I feel pressured to say it wasn’t all bad, because it wasn’t. In many ways, being surrounded by other Christians was good for me. I don’t think I had to mask all that much, but it’s hard to be sure. I didn’t feel like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I felt relatively comfortable. Church potlucks and weeks at camp. Good Friday sermons and helping out at various service projects. Bible studies, prayer meetings, worship services, Sunday school, VBS, AWANA, homeschool Bible curriculum, youth group, mission trips. I didn’t feel bad about myself. Since God was my special interest, I not only fit in, I became elite. I believed it all, strongly. The adults could tell. They could tell I would be a good foot soldier in their campaign to convert people. I got their approval, and I grew as tall as a sunflower in the light of their positive reinforcement.